closure

[__charming_you]

it's what i needed.
somewhat.

looking at you
talking to you
being with you
made me want to cry.

this time, i said.
this time, this one time
i will be strong.
i will close my eyes
& block you out
& be strong.

but i was weak.

wednesday
i made a decision
with or without you
i will be okay.

this time, i said
this time, this one time
i won't cry
i won't care what you do
because i don't deserve this.
but at the same time
i don't deserve you.

but when you you looked at me
& your eyes watered
& one stupid tear rolled down your cheek
i broke
i gave in

i don't want to hurt like this
i don't want to think about you all the time
i don't want to love you
i don't want to miss you
i want this to be okay
i want to be okay again

autumn, it's okay.

no, it's not.

& you wrapped me in your arms
& held me close
& i did my bad habit
of putting my ear to your chest
& listening to your heart beat
& it reminded me
of when i fell asleep in your arms
and when we were happy.
when i was happy.

tell me that you don't care

i don't care.

pause
& then more tears.

stop crying, stop crying, stop crying.
but i couldn't.
i couldn't be with you
and keep a smile on my face

& then it happened
you kissed me
& i melted
& i couldn't help but kiss you back.
you grabbed my face
& kissed me deeper
& it was electric.

it felt right
but i wanted it to feel wrong

& you kept kissing me
kept holding me
kept hugging me

i won't leave you for good, autumn
i will never leave you for good.

well then why leave me at all?

because right now it can't happen.

tell me you want to be with me.

i do.
i do.
i do.

i'm so tired
so worn out.
i'm scared of what's going to happen
but i'm going to be a strong person

that kiss we had
those kisses we had
last night
are going to be the last.