i want to be with you. god, i wanna be with you. [but i can't right now]

[__charming_you]

& as soon as those words were spoken
i lost my words
i lost my heart beat
i lost my breath
i lost my love
i lost my mind.

i love you, autumn
i want to be with you.
i'm so happy i'm with you
i laugh at everybody else, because they don't have perfect like i do
you're so beautiful
you're the cutest
i have so much fun with you
i can't be scared of losing you because i'm never going to lose you.
you're the only girl i want to be with.
i'm going to marry you.
[but i just can't do this anymore.]

famous last words, right?
i won't leave you, i won't leave you, i won't leave you
god, THEN DON'T.
stop this, stop stop stop stop stop
autumn you're better than this
you're better than him
[but really i'm not]
you deserve better

I KNOW ALL OF THIS
but i don't want better
because he's the best there is
he's my perfection
mine, mine, mine
& i don't want anyone else having him
i don't want anyone else taking me.

i turned on our song
& turned the speakers up
to drown out the sound of your sobs
[because that's the most horrible sound in the world]
& to drown out my thoughts
you were crying
when you said this was over.

i'm being played i'm being tricked i'm being toyed with
i'm not a rag doll.
i'm not something you dress up and take out with you
I'M A PERSON WITH FEELINGS
FEELINGS FOR YOU
YOU YOU YOU
IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU YOU

but i don't want to be in love with you
if it hurts this bad
god it hurts so bad
to know that there's no us
there's an autumn
& there's a jonmichael
but there's no us
& the "us" is what i lived for
the "us" is what i needed

i don't want to see your face in the morning
when i wake up
i don't want to need to hear your voice
before i get ready and go to school
i don't want a bedtime call
i don't want a "just called to say hello and i miss you" voicemail
i dont want your comments on myspace
or your messages
or your love letters
i dont want any of it if it means hurting this bad

my stomach hurts from crying
my throat hurts from yelling
my ears hurt from your sobs & my loud music
& my eyes burn

i want to be with you.

then be with me!!!!!

i can't. i can't i can't i can't.

why not?!

i just can't, autumn.

but i love you. i love you & i need you & i want to be with you & only you & nobody else.
you never understood that.
after everything you never understood that

but i need my space. i need some time.
please
give me time?
autumn?
are you there?

yeah. i'm here. i'm here. i'm always here.

god i'm sorry.

i bet.

but i'm tired of you being sorry.
hell, I'm tired of being sorry.
i shouldn't have to beg you to be with you
you should just WANT to be with me
because you love me
& you love me

so why aren't you with me?

please
come back come back come back
don't leave me.
i know i said i wouldn't
but i'm begging you
from the bottom of my heart
just to be with me.
be with me.
i can't lose you on top of everything else.
i can't lose you period.
& i'm terrified of it
i'm terrified of what's going to happen
& i dont wanna know i dont i dont i dont

i want to curl under my covers and go to bed and wake up
& realize this was all a bad dream.