there is only one thing i dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings
this past friday was the determining factor as to whether or not i would get kicked out of my law school program. i had been working relentlessly the past year and the impending result made me toss in turn in bed prior evening. i had flashbacks of my initial attempted failure back in 2014, and thought "what if it didn't work again this time around? what am i gonna do?" i entertained the thought of moving out of state; just starting anew, working at a bar somewhere, talking to strangers and figuring out what the fuck i'm supposed to do in this life.
e and i went to a local bar and i cried about 12 times before i actually looked at my grades. i made it. and to make things even better, it was the best semester i had ever had (e takes partial credit for that). we had a celebratory dinner later and he looked at me and said, "i'm so proud of you. you are finally seeing the potential i've seen in you all along." and, fuck. obviously, i cried. like a lot.
i'd like to think of myself as a hyper-cognizant person. i feel like i do everything to try to understand others/step in their shoes, which in turn helps me better understand myself. i am toe-to-toe with my short-comings and my demons; i can reconcile every part of my personality-- why i do the things i do; the things i am trying to change, as well as the things i certainly know will never change about me. this took literally decades of relentless self-help books, therapy (both actual and creative), shitty relationships, self-denial, self-medicating, meaningless sex, recreational drugs, etc etc etc. growing up, i felt uncomfortable feeling like a "deserved" anything-- like, i wasn't the kind of person that deserved a good family (growing up in such a tumultuous/volatile/unstable household); wasn't the type of person that deserved a good relationship (having experienced only conditional/narcissistic love); and wasn't the type of person that deserved success (having had so many prior failures).
and i keep referencing back-- this mental image-- of this person-- this woman-- in my head-- that i envision myself to be when i'm where i "want" to be. completing this step was pivotal in me walking towards that completion/person. and i couldn't be happier. they say, "if you want to move fast, go alone-- if you want to go far, go together." e is a huge credit to my success, surviving school, but even more importantly-- my sanity and my shifting paradigm. i would not be where i am if it weren't for his non-stop encouragement; his Postmate-ing of food to the library when i'm there late; his incessant, almost annoying level of care and big love towards me; and his lightness when times got really heavy and dark.
i have always been a simple person. all i have ever wanted was to take care of my mom; be able to throw money in my brother's direction when his family needs it; make sure that my dogs have insurance and are up on their flea medication; make sure my house always has fresh flowers; occasionally travel and partake in a grossly expensive steak once a month; and maintaining my island. i never imagined being so engrossed with someone other than myself-- and well, here i am.
i thanked his mother for raising him so well. he is the most extra, selfless, thoughtful, intelligent, determined, and sincere person i had ever had the pleasure of calling my partner.
for so long, i was my biggest motivation. i needed to prove to myself that i was as smart as i was; i needed to prove to myself that i could do this and that this was for me. and i did. and now, i have him as my other motivation. so he can open his own firm, and i can retire at 35 and take care of our dogs. HAHAHA.
within the past few years or so, i have been dramatically more positive and resolute about my life, which has helped uplift me when things were not working in my favor or timing. now? i don't question the universe's timing for me. i just leave it alone and try to keep going-- and then oddly enough, things start falling into place.i feel like i am living my authentic life. one that i have tried so desperately hard to manifest-- that i am happy with, that suits me. and one that, even if variables did not go my way, i would comfortably adjust the sails, know that everything works on its own time and to just keep going. fuuuuuuuuck <3
e and i went to a local bar and i cried about 12 times before i actually looked at my grades. i made it. and to make things even better, it was the best semester i had ever had (e takes partial credit for that). we had a celebratory dinner later and he looked at me and said, "i'm so proud of you. you are finally seeing the potential i've seen in you all along." and, fuck. obviously, i cried. like a lot.
i'd like to think of myself as a hyper-cognizant person. i feel like i do everything to try to understand others/step in their shoes, which in turn helps me better understand myself. i am toe-to-toe with my short-comings and my demons; i can reconcile every part of my personality-- why i do the things i do; the things i am trying to change, as well as the things i certainly know will never change about me. this took literally decades of relentless self-help books, therapy (both actual and creative), shitty relationships, self-denial, self-medicating, meaningless sex, recreational drugs, etc etc etc. growing up, i felt uncomfortable feeling like a "deserved" anything-- like, i wasn't the kind of person that deserved a good family (growing up in such a tumultuous/volatile/unstable household); wasn't the type of person that deserved a good relationship (having experienced only conditional/narcissistic love); and wasn't the type of person that deserved success (having had so many prior failures).
and i keep referencing back-- this mental image-- of this person-- this woman-- in my head-- that i envision myself to be when i'm where i "want" to be. completing this step was pivotal in me walking towards that completion/person. and i couldn't be happier. they say, "if you want to move fast, go alone-- if you want to go far, go together." e is a huge credit to my success, surviving school, but even more importantly-- my sanity and my shifting paradigm. i would not be where i am if it weren't for his non-stop encouragement; his Postmate-ing of food to the library when i'm there late; his incessant, almost annoying level of care and big love towards me; and his lightness when times got really heavy and dark.
i have always been a simple person. all i have ever wanted was to take care of my mom; be able to throw money in my brother's direction when his family needs it; make sure that my dogs have insurance and are up on their flea medication; make sure my house always has fresh flowers; occasionally travel and partake in a grossly expensive steak once a month; and maintaining my island. i never imagined being so engrossed with someone other than myself-- and well, here i am.
i thanked his mother for raising him so well. he is the most extra, selfless, thoughtful, intelligent, determined, and sincere person i had ever had the pleasure of calling my partner.
for so long, i was my biggest motivation. i needed to prove to myself that i was as smart as i was; i needed to prove to myself that i could do this and that this was for me. and i did. and now, i have him as my other motivation. so he can open his own firm, and i can retire at 35 and take care of our dogs. HAHAHA.
within the past few years or so, i have been dramatically more positive and resolute about my life, which has helped uplift me when things were not working in my favor or timing. now? i don't question the universe's timing for me. i just leave it alone and try to keep going-- and then oddly enough, things start falling into place.i feel like i am living my authentic life. one that i have tried so desperately hard to manifest-- that i am happy with, that suits me. and one that, even if variables did not go my way, i would comfortably adjust the sails, know that everything works on its own time and to just keep going. fuuuuuuuuck <3