hurt people-- hurt people
so it's funny what pseudo-PTSD does to you.
two Decembers ago, I spent $800 on a ticket to butt fuck Arkansas to see my ex for the holiday. after having discussed the details and our shared excitement, etc, etc, bullshit, bullshit, lies, fucking lies-- he texts me the morning of my flight, tells me not to make the trip and says he doesn't want to see me anymore. despite being devastated, i immediately concede and just ask that he pay for half the ticket because at this point it is only business and that was the only way to make it fair. the narcissist-sociopath that D is, virulently declined.
E definitely has narcissistic tendencies, but does NOT have NPD the way D did. he is tortured (aren't we all), but not a fucking sociopath. either way, it's been planned for about a week that am due to take a train up to see him tomorrow afternoon and this overwhelming PTSD-from D-feeling, had consumed me throughout most of today. i know he had been adamantly prepping for my visit and reassured me that he was excited for me to get there, but i hadn't heard much from him all day; i was just awaiting the impending cancellation.
turns out he was painting his parents house as a surprise. and he sent pictures of the process to supplement his story.
and i feel bad always bringing it back to D (especially because E is so wonderful), but it's cause i learned so much about myself in that relationship that sometimes i can't deny the comparison. so daniel's and my relationship always reminded me of frida kahlo and diego rivera's; comparably volatile, destructive, and passionate. and i admit, i looked at pictures the other day of D and his girlfriend. and he looks so-- different; not who i remember him to look like. and i don't know what it is but, it just feels different now. a benign nostalgia perhaps? but even as i reminesce about the aforementioned shit ticket, i only feel want to feel nothing towards him. and that's probably as close to how i feel about him now.
back to my comparison-- so, frida said something along the lines of "why do i call him my Diego? he never was or will be mine. he belongs to himself..." and that's totally how i see D. D has been with many people after me, and again-- some, longer than others. but no one will belong to D more than he belongs to himself. that's just his form. if you can't cut through his love-bombing and see the pitiful, self-serving, hurt human being that he is-- in the words of the ski instructor in south park, "you're gonna have a bad time" lol
onward and upward right? i wanted to jokingly send him one of my law school graduation invites after he had so adamantly discouraged me for pursuing such a in his words, "useless/shit profession"-- but was advised that i shouldn't by friends who are convinced he would attend. time-- the ultimate truth teller.
two Decembers ago, I spent $800 on a ticket to butt fuck Arkansas to see my ex for the holiday. after having discussed the details and our shared excitement, etc, etc, bullshit, bullshit, lies, fucking lies-- he texts me the morning of my flight, tells me not to make the trip and says he doesn't want to see me anymore. despite being devastated, i immediately concede and just ask that he pay for half the ticket because at this point it is only business and that was the only way to make it fair. the narcissist-sociopath that D is, virulently declined.
E definitely has narcissistic tendencies, but does NOT have NPD the way D did. he is tortured (aren't we all), but not a fucking sociopath. either way, it's been planned for about a week that am due to take a train up to see him tomorrow afternoon and this overwhelming PTSD-from D-feeling, had consumed me throughout most of today. i know he had been adamantly prepping for my visit and reassured me that he was excited for me to get there, but i hadn't heard much from him all day; i was just awaiting the impending cancellation.
turns out he was painting his parents house as a surprise. and he sent pictures of the process to supplement his story.
and i feel bad always bringing it back to D (especially because E is so wonderful), but it's cause i learned so much about myself in that relationship that sometimes i can't deny the comparison. so daniel's and my relationship always reminded me of frida kahlo and diego rivera's; comparably volatile, destructive, and passionate. and i admit, i looked at pictures the other day of D and his girlfriend. and he looks so-- different; not who i remember him to look like. and i don't know what it is but, it just feels different now. a benign nostalgia perhaps? but even as i reminesce about the aforementioned shit ticket, i only feel want to feel nothing towards him. and that's probably as close to how i feel about him now.
back to my comparison-- so, frida said something along the lines of "why do i call him my Diego? he never was or will be mine. he belongs to himself..." and that's totally how i see D. D has been with many people after me, and again-- some, longer than others. but no one will belong to D more than he belongs to himself. that's just his form. if you can't cut through his love-bombing and see the pitiful, self-serving, hurt human being that he is-- in the words of the ski instructor in south park, "you're gonna have a bad time" lol
onward and upward right? i wanted to jokingly send him one of my law school graduation invites after he had so adamantly discouraged me for pursuing such a in his words, "useless/shit profession"-- but was advised that i shouldn't by friends who are convinced he would attend. time-- the ultimate truth teller.