Save me from the nothing I've become
[Continued from here]
I headed to the door, everything from the night I left flashing in my head. Before I knew it he spun me around and pinned me. I couldn't help but look up at him scared, I didn't know what he was going to do, I was afraid he would do what he did that first night and hurt me till I liked it.
I was scared of him. I was scared of Spike. How did this happen? How did we get here? When I was human I stood up to him, now I'm terrified of him. This isn't right.
How did we get so lost?
"Please, just…we don’t have to be apart I’ll take you to someone who can help you, I’ll take you, I’ll take you to LA, to Angel, he’s got a soul…he can help..."
Angel? Why would he...
Then I realized. He must be desperate to keep me here if he's willing to let me go see Angel. I know how much he hates Angel, detests the very ground he walks on. Maybe...Maybe now he's ready to listen to me, listen to what I have to say.
"Just don't go."
The room was silent, dead silent, as I just stood there, unsure of what to say or do. The only sound in the room was the shower that had never been turned off. I could feel the wetness of when we were together running down the back of my leg. It made me feel...dirty and all I wanted to do was go into that shower and get lost; scrub my skin raw and until I woke up from this nightmare.
But that had to wait. I had to set him straight now, before I lost the nerve.
"It wasn't the demon devouring me, it was you." I said simply. "You kept giving it more and more, forgetting about me and what I need." I walked over to the bed, dropping my bags and sitting heavily on the bed, my hands fidgeting with the edge of my shirt. "It's..." I licked my lips and decided I just had to let it all out. "It's like you will do anything to get rid of my soul, who I was and what...what brought us here in the first place. You don't want me, you want the demon. You want someone to walk the night and leave carnage around while you watch. I know you do because I can feel it. You made me, I have the same desires as you do." I swallowed hard and shook my head. "It's...When..."
I looked down and sighed. "When you look at me - into my eyes - you don't look at me, you look at her with lust and...you never look at me that way. I...I feel like a replacement." He started to speak but I stood up and stopped him, giving him a look that only rivaled the one I threatened to soul him.
"I'm a replacement, before it was for Buffy and now...I'm a replacement for Dru. Don't deny it, you love that I can take and want the hurt now. You like being able to hurt me because before it didn't register with the chip. Now I'm still that human girl somewhere but the chip doesn't see me as that. I'm a demon, a monster. My biggest fear. And you feed that. You feed that fear so much it's going to choke and drown me. You don't see it, you've been with that chip so long and now that you have me you want to use that to feed your own cravings."
I walked up to him and looked into his eyes, running my hand over his face sadly. "I don't see you in there anymore. I don't. When I look in your eyes I.." I swallowed hard and just spit it out. "I don't see who I fell in love with, when I look into your eyes he's not there anymore. All I see is the demon taking over." I smiled sadly. "I used to look at you and see William in you, the poet, the things you did, the small things that just drew me to you." My hand dropped from his face and I looked down, stepping back slightly. "He's not there anymore..." A small sob escaped my lips and I thought my heart was going to break into a million pieces.
"I...I can't stay here. If I do everything inside me is going to eat away at me and there will be nothing left." I looked up at him and I knew all I had was sadness in my eyes, maybe a bit of insanity. "Not even how much I love you." I sniffled and looked down. "You don't get it Spike, you almost get it but you miss it in the end." I murmured. "I...I don't...No, I know you don't love me." He looked at me like I'd just staked him and I looked away.
Taking a deep breath I licked my lips and walked up to him, letting my face change and contort into my demon form. "You love this."
I headed to the door, everything from the night I left flashing in my head. Before I knew it he spun me around and pinned me. I couldn't help but look up at him scared, I didn't know what he was going to do, I was afraid he would do what he did that first night and hurt me till I liked it.
I was scared of him. I was scared of Spike. How did this happen? How did we get here? When I was human I stood up to him, now I'm terrified of him. This isn't right.
How did we get so lost?
"Please, just…we don’t have to be apart I’ll take you to someone who can help you, I’ll take you, I’ll take you to LA, to Angel, he’s got a soul…he can help..."
Angel? Why would he...
Then I realized. He must be desperate to keep me here if he's willing to let me go see Angel. I know how much he hates Angel, detests the very ground he walks on. Maybe...Maybe now he's ready to listen to me, listen to what I have to say.
"Just don't go."
The room was silent, dead silent, as I just stood there, unsure of what to say or do. The only sound in the room was the shower that had never been turned off. I could feel the wetness of when we were together running down the back of my leg. It made me feel...dirty and all I wanted to do was go into that shower and get lost; scrub my skin raw and until I woke up from this nightmare.
But that had to wait. I had to set him straight now, before I lost the nerve.
"It wasn't the demon devouring me, it was you." I said simply. "You kept giving it more and more, forgetting about me and what I need." I walked over to the bed, dropping my bags and sitting heavily on the bed, my hands fidgeting with the edge of my shirt. "It's..." I licked my lips and decided I just had to let it all out. "It's like you will do anything to get rid of my soul, who I was and what...what brought us here in the first place. You don't want me, you want the demon. You want someone to walk the night and leave carnage around while you watch. I know you do because I can feel it. You made me, I have the same desires as you do." I swallowed hard and shook my head. "It's...When..."
I looked down and sighed. "When you look at me - into my eyes - you don't look at me, you look at her with lust and...you never look at me that way. I...I feel like a replacement." He started to speak but I stood up and stopped him, giving him a look that only rivaled the one I threatened to soul him.
"I'm a replacement, before it was for Buffy and now...I'm a replacement for Dru. Don't deny it, you love that I can take and want the hurt now. You like being able to hurt me because before it didn't register with the chip. Now I'm still that human girl somewhere but the chip doesn't see me as that. I'm a demon, a monster. My biggest fear. And you feed that. You feed that fear so much it's going to choke and drown me. You don't see it, you've been with that chip so long and now that you have me you want to use that to feed your own cravings."
I walked up to him and looked into his eyes, running my hand over his face sadly. "I don't see you in there anymore. I don't. When I look in your eyes I.." I swallowed hard and just spit it out. "I don't see who I fell in love with, when I look into your eyes he's not there anymore. All I see is the demon taking over." I smiled sadly. "I used to look at you and see William in you, the poet, the things you did, the small things that just drew me to you." My hand dropped from his face and I looked down, stepping back slightly. "He's not there anymore..." A small sob escaped my lips and I thought my heart was going to break into a million pieces.
"I...I can't stay here. If I do everything inside me is going to eat away at me and there will be nothing left." I looked up at him and I knew all I had was sadness in my eyes, maybe a bit of insanity. "Not even how much I love you." I sniffled and looked down. "You don't get it Spike, you almost get it but you miss it in the end." I murmured. "I...I don't...No, I know you don't love me." He looked at me like I'd just staked him and I looked away.
Taking a deep breath I licked my lips and walked up to him, letting my face change and contort into my demon form. "You love this."