sometimes i do dangerous things
You'd think that in my former line of work nothing would surprise me, now though, I can say that I have been surprised. Tara Mclay has thrown my entire world off it's fucking access, and I'm not exactly all that worried about it. I should be, considering I've now literally gotten into bed with a vampire. A Vampire whose soul is somehow still in her
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Still clinging to him, he moved us back to the bedroom and I pressed my body against his, a soft purred moan escaping my lips as his hand trailed over my arm.
When he spoke my first reaction was to get pissed at him and start a fight but I pushed that thought and reaction down. I sat up slowly and looked down at him, my wet hair falling down over us as I trailed my fingers over my mark.
His blood sang in my veins and I had an even bigger craving for more of him but I resisted and I pushed away the thought of even touching the human blood in the fridge. But I did learn that I had some abiity to stop myself if I had to.
Moaning softly I squirmed against his warm body and my eyes met his. "Lindsey..." I leaned in and swiped my tongue over the raw mark before whispering in his ear. "You talk in your sleep..." I smirked and bit back a laugh as I moved my hand over his side till my nails started digging at his thigh, I was starting to enjoy watching him squirm.
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Fuck.
I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. I'm not an idiot, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I don't know how many times Lilah had caught me in my office sleeping and she'd thrown my Darla obbsession in my face enough times to make me want to gut her like a fish, not that the reaction to Lilah was anything new.
I knew I wasn't over the complete mind-fuck Darla did on me, but at least I was smart enough now to see it for what it really was. A mind fuck, maybe I didn't love her, I still don't even know if I'm capable of a feeling like love but I gave a shit and she used me and it's not the kind of thing I'm proud of.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked her, not even sure exactly what I mean, if it's asking about Darla or being here with me, fucking me. Maybe I'm afraid she'll just do exactly what Darla did, and maybe I'm too fucking pissed off at myself because I care.
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Why am I doing this? Is he serious?
I was ready to lash out, not care about anything, but I caught something in his eyes that put me to a grinding halt. So that's it. That's his weakness, the one thing he seems to be frightned of. Funny how it's the same thing that I used to be scared of.
Letting out an unneeded sigh I moved down the bed towards him, wrapping the towel around me because this wasn't about sex, this was about him and me - not together but our friendship...abet a very messed up one.
"Lindsey?" I sat next to him and I didn't force him to look at me, I just spoke, still unsure where everything was coming from. "Why am I doing this? Because you put and still are putting yourself on the line for me. I want to do the same - I'd want to even if I was still human. If you want to protect me from my demons I need to know what I'm facing from you, I need the full package."
Moving closer to him I rested my chin on his shoulder, tilting my head and kissing him before I continued speaking. "I know about her...You talk in your sleep and..." For the first time I felt bad about doing it. "...I saw the files." Closing my eyes for a moment I waited for him to lash out at me. "I'm not her, I never was her - even human - don't put me in her box because I won't fit."
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This seemed strange and different and I'm going to admit it's freaking me out more than a little bit. This isn't casual and this is a kind of intimacy I've never shared with anyone before, kind of sad considering we're just talking and my range of emotions is startling even for me.
"You don't know anything about it, or her, or me."
It came out harsher than I meant to, but what can I say I'm an asshole. I'm not a wounded puppy waiting for her to convince me she's not Darla, I fucking know she's not Darla and I never wanted her to be Darla. These days, obbsession aside, I wouldn't go near Darla with a ten foot pole and the same goes for her family.
I glance at Tara and realize that's shot to hell.
"I know you're not her, you think I'd be here if you were anything like her?" I shook my head, how did you explain this kind of shit. I wanted to be pissed off she'd read my files but I'd left them there and I'd have done the same exact thing. Alright I was pissed off but it didn't matter.
"You don't know her or who she is. Angel's sire, a part of your goddamn family now," I shake my head, just now realizing that the fact that Darla's a part of Tara pisses me off, the fact that Spike did that to her and the fact that even that won't make me walk away.
"But I can't seem to even entertain the notion of walking away from you. You just fucking pretend to know anything about it."
I was going to piss her off and I knew it, but it's what I did best. I'm not going to lie and pretend that all this isn't the most fucked up thing I'd ever been involved in and that was saying something.
"You think Spike's evil? He has no soul, you don't want to know the things i've done and seen and allowed to happen with my soul. The soul I sold to fucking Wolfram and Hart because of a shiney new office and something resembling power."
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"I don't know anything about her, or you because you won't tell me." My eyes flashed yellow and I clenched my fists as I tried to relax. "I don't know what you want me to do Lindsey, you won't let me in. All you do is shut me out and you know what? I'm so tired of the damn cold."
He seemed to blanch at my words and for a moment I wanted to ask him why, but I didn't. I listened as he spoke and I can't deny it - but I'll never admit it - that him telling me he couldn't walk away from me made me feel more secure then Spike's ever have.
"You know Lindsey, never in my life - then or now - has anyone even 'entertained the notion' of wanting to stay with me, letting me know that they want to stay." He looked at me and I continued. "Went crazy last year, literally. When I was finally me again my lover was more interested in getting her precious Buffy back to notice that I still needed her. Spike and I? Who the fuck knows about that disaster. Look what happened from that."
I sighed and swallowed hard, running my fingers through my hair and sighing. "I just...I don't know. Nobody's perfect. Nobody. We live, we make choices, we move on and we try to learn from them and hope to some god that we don't make the same ones."
Shaking my head I looked at him, wondering if I had the nerve to even tell him. "I know about demon's with soul's Lindsey, I am one now, but I lived with two of them growing up..." I didn't need a mirror to know that pain that even death can't erase crossed my face. "They were human, with souls, no reward. No office. Just the sheer pleasure of tormenting and beating me down. So don't you give me crap about your evil." When did I get speachy?
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I sighed and pushed my hands through my hair deciding against pulling it all out and fell back on the bed. I thought maybe once I got away from the senior parteners my life had the possibility of getting simple. God what I wouldn't fucking give for one single day that wasn't so fucking complicated.
Then again without complication there would be no Tara and I'm not so sure I like the idea of life without Tara. I decide not to dwell too much on that thought and sigh. Honestly? Her mini-speech about her family didn't surprise me, I knew there was a reason I felt a kinship with her from the beginning.
"Guess you know why mine was so easy to sell. Not like anyone in my life gave me any reason to believe in the good of a human soul. What was one more?"
Maybe I should have told her I was sorry and that no one should have to go through what she obviously had to have gone through to say that, to look like she did when she said it, but I'm just not that guy, I never have been that guy and I'm not suddenly changing for a woman, even if it's this woman.
"Even if my soul wasn't rotting away everyday it's not even mine anymore."
Maybe that bothered me more than I wanted it to.
"You want to know about me? I'll tell you, you want to know about Darla and how she mind fucked me and Angel and probably Spike in her own time? Fine I'll tell you. But you have to promise me something."
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I sighed and laid down with him, propping myself up on my elbow and running my hand soothingly over his chest. "Living like this, torn. Having a soul is nothing but trouble. They seem a bit overrated and bothersome." I murmured, only half believing what I said, but I did believe some of it.
He looked at me and his face was deadpan serious. My eyes met his as he spoke. Ok, promise what? I paused for a minute and he didn't continue. Ok, that's a tease.
"Lindsey...sweetie? Umm if you don't tell me I can't promise. But if you know anything about me, you know I keep my promises..." I paused and tried to make some sort of light out of a dark situation. "Unless my boyfriend goes crazy and turns me into a vampire...ohhh wait, that was last week. So yeah, I'll keep my promise, anything you ask."
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"This thing with us, you piss me off like no one has before, and obviously I'm pretty good at pissing you off too. Just don't leave me because I say something idiotic and stupid, if you are going to leave do it for a good reason."
And don't go back to Spike, not that I was going to say it but I had a feeling she would understand it.
Not that I want her to leave, actually if she did want to leave I'd probably do just about anything to keep her with me, even play dirty, a lot more dirty than I did in the shower or last night.
I sighed and looked at her seriously waiting for her response, maybe it was stupid, I don't know but I'm an asshole and she's figure it out by now and she still hasn't left.
"So what do you want to know anyway?" I asked more defensively than I meant to.
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"Lindsey, to be honest. I love him, I know you don't want to hear it but that's not something I'm going to hide. It's the elephant in the room and I refuse to be under it when it sits down." I smiled slightly and sighed, running my fingers through my hair and looking back over to him. "I don't know why I still love him, I'm honest about that too. Right now if he walked into the room I'd be more likely to rip his eyes out then to kiss him. Yes, I loved him when I was human - when I still had a heartbeat - and now even because he's my Sire. But the things he did to me...the wounds...they're too fresh, they won't heal and go away. So if you're asking me if I'm going to just up and walk out on you when or if he shows up here? The answer is no. I won't. I love him but...You mean a lot to me. I can't put my finger on it or define it but you do, you're very much a part of my life and I don't want that to change. We seem to have this thing, we connect even after such a short time, that scares me but it also gives me this feeling." Almost like home.
"I marked you Darlin', you're mine and I don't leave behind what's mine..." I stopped and looked at him; it wasn't about that and a small smile crossed my lips, it was almost like bricks smacking me in the head when I realized. "I know what it is. You know...What am I to you? Not who but what?" I didn't let him speak as I kept going. "A girl. That's what it is about you, you treat me like a girl, human, flesh and mortal. That's what I've needed all along. I realize that now." I moved closer to him and smiled. "Spike...he well...he went on instinct, he has a demon and he wanted a demon. He doesn't have a soul so he doesn't know any better." He looked like he was going to say something but I stopped him. "I know what you're going to say, that I'm making up excuses for him and such. I know I am, I think that's just what I do. I'm not sure. But I do know that he wanted a demon to feed off of his and vice versa. He's not human, he's without a soul and he hasn't been human for a very long time. He doesn't have what I need, what the part that I'm trying desperately to keep needs."
Pausing for a moment and studied his face, running my hand over his cheek. "Do you know how you make me feel? You make me feel like my heart's still beating, I feel happy and free and." I stopped and laughed, ducking my head down even at my own cheesy words. "I feel like I could walk out and watch the sunrise and be ok." I leaned in and kissed him softly, slipping my tongue slowly into his mouth and feeling a shiver run down my spine when I felt his.
The kiss deepened and I pulled away when I remembered he did need to breathe. "Thank you." I murmured, resting my head against his. "Does that answer and or kill any of your questions and fears?"
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"Not going to claim to like it and not going to claim to have anything but murderous feelings towards the guy, for the record."
I sighed, did it elivate all my fear? No, honestly it didn't but I realized my issues didn't have much to do with Tara and I was betting she knew that. My issues were deeply embedded in me and they formed long before I even heard about Darla or Angel or Wolfram and Hart.
"I have issues with your family, both the literal and vampiric kind. But no all my fears aren't gone, but that's not your problem it's mine. You are damn lucky I'm man enough to admit I even have fears."
Not that she was ever allowed to repeat it, but I'm guessing that was a given.
"I guess I'm alright with being claimed."
I know it wasn't all she wanted to hear but when did I ever say I was the kind of guy who said anything just because it was something someone wanted to hear? I didn't, cause I'm not that fucking guy.
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A small smile crossed my lips and I shrugged. "Didn't expect you to, I know you don't and you know how I feel about him. So I guess that leaves us on even ground. When I'm here I won't mention him." And I won't talk about him in my sleep....hey now, that wasn't nice. Don't know where that came from.
Runnning my hand over his face I nodded. "I have issues with them to, I think that if I didn't have this soul I would have..." I sighed and looked down for a moment. "Wouldn't have been pretty. Everyone has fears, it's part of what shapes us. Just...ok, you have to promise me something now. Talk to me, don't shut me out. Not when it comes to all this, to us...er...I mean me and you." Or was it us? Was there an us and if it is why did it not feel like I was cheating on Spike?
I grinned and kissed him, sighing softly and nuzzling his neck. "Part's of me wishes you could claim me..." Wow...Did my voice just sound like that? When the hell did I get so damn broken and who was going to fix me?
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"I'm not really the sharing type of guy so if you want to know something you have to ask me and you have to know I may not always answer you. This is me."
I kissed her lightly, which was a new thing for us, me not kissing her with punishing force I had to say I didn't mind it. It was nice even, I was not going soft, no fucking way, not even.
"So we're not an us then?" I raised my brow, I probably shouldn't make her define exactly what this is, but fuck it.
"What are we exactly then?"
I mean we'd already fucked each other a few times and she just fucking claimed me as hers, not that she even had to do as much, it's obvious I'm not going anywhere, much to my viel of sanity.
"Only part of you?" I half chuckle, "Cause I'm in the same boat, only I'm not thinking with half of me, despite what you might think." I smirked at her wickedly.
I wasn't ONLY thinking with my cock after all, I mean I was using other things to figure out this situation, my brain just might not be one of them.
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Shaking my head I sighed. "I'm not making sense, but what it comes down to is this. I want us, but I don't want to be the type of girl that say's that to everyone. I know I'm not and...Fuck. I'm gonna shut up."
I sat up frustrated but he pulled me back down to him, trying to pry out of me the last bits of what I said before. "As for claiming me? I never asked to be claimed by him, I didn't ask for this but now a part of me is his. Always going to be. But when I think about it, it's the demon he's claimed, not me, not the girl."
This time I pulled away and didn't lay back down, I just sat on the edge of the bed cursing myself for even thinking I could explain something. Especially now when I'm not exactly in my right mind. "I've never been able to speak, why did I think I'd be able to now? It was stupid of me to even think that I could even tell you what I wanted..."
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I got up from the bed, I wasn't really angry with her, I was frustrated because I think deep down I knew what I wanted from her and I wasn't going to get it. I didn't want the demon or the girl persay I wanted her, whatever the fuck that entailed and I wanted her to want me, not just the demon or the girl but fucking all of her.
"You and me aren't friends Tara, we aren't going to be friends and if your trying to fool yourself into believe that's all this is? It's not."
I sighed, knowing it wasn't coming out like I wanted it to, but when the fuck did my mouth ever cooperate with the rest of me?
"Generally I don't have a problem helping out some chick I've fucked, but you are not just some chick I've fucked alright and it's not even about ... fuck ... what do you want from me? I'm not him, and if you say something shitty about yourself again you are going to see why."
Now I was angry but still not at her, what the fuck am I getting myself into. I don't have any clue what I'm feeling and I don't even want to try to explain it because it won't make any goddamn sense. It never has, I never have.
"I've never cared enough to stick around for anyone alright. Not my mother, not my brothers, sure as hell not my dad, but I fucking stayed here even after he almost killed me, so does that tell you how not casual i think this is? I don't think your some whore who sleeps with every guys she meets, trust me if that's who you were I wouldn't want you the way I do ..."
Fuck.
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