I've got myself so terribly unglued...
[Continued from here]I heard the belt hit the floor with a wet clang, splashing in the blood from our broken mugs. Images and nightmare type memory's flooded my mind of when I was little and made me shudder
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She did have a point and I felt a wave of affection wash over me as I looked at her smiling face and I smiled back at her lightly. I was about to say something, probably something stupid, probably whatever the bloody hell popped into my head, that seemed to be the theme these days, but she'd already turned away so I was off the hook.
Don’t know what I would’ve said anyway, all I knew was that I was glad she was smiling again, and the fact that she was smiling at me, well, that was a bonus.
Wasn’t long before she was quiet again and I could tell that she was having those same old feelings she always had after we'd had a mind-blowing shag. Guess that was the point though, wasn't it? I was the only one that actually thought it was mind-blowing; I'd wager she thought it was dirty and wrong. Still such a good little girl at heart, it'd amuse me if it wasn't driving her batty.
And the last thing I want is her going batty, I thought, as I slipped my belt through the loops of my jeans and watched her climb the ladder to the loft to look for books.
No, I liked her just the way she was. Yeah the soul was part of that, but would she really be all that different without it.
I mean I never changed much and if I did it was bloody well for the better. Besides it wasn’t just about her losing her little quirks was it? No, it’s never that sodding easy. It was about her going round the bend at the drop of a hat and maybe one day staying that way. That’d change her more than whether or not she had a soul.
I watched her upstairs, reading quietly for a moment longer before heading over to the counter. I’d just have me a little looksee at just what old Ripper had stashed away. Reckoned he kept the really dodgy books up in the loft but I had my doubts. He was smarter than that.
As I sifted through the crap under there it occurred to me that Anya was really not the domestic type. There was a mug, pens…then my fingers brushed something that felt - and smelt - distinctly like leather binding. I pulled it out and read the title, Darkest Magick.
Just the ticket.
Just assessing my options, is all, I thought to myself as I ran my eyes down the contents page. Wrath Curses, Ritual Flaying Made Easy, this book had some real bloody gems…almost made me want to dabble and that desire only became stronger when I found what I was looking for.
How to Remove a Soul from a Human
Excitement started to build inside me. This was just what I was looking for. Yeah, all right so she wasn’t exactly human but no doubt the thing could be adapted. The list of ingredients looked-
"W-what?"
Excitement turned to panic when I heard the tone in her voice. She’d seen…no doubt about that, but you never know, maybe she’d see the positive aspects?
Fuck.
I turned to face her. When I did I saw her coming slowly towards me, not looking happy. Sod that, she looked downright hurt. Double fuck.
“Tara,” I began. “It’s not what you think. Really pet.”
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"It's not?" I mumured, looking up at him and swallowing hard. "H-how is it not what I think, Spike?" I reached out and grabbed the book from him, looking at the page it was open to as I started to read out loud. "Removing a soul from a human is a painful and long process, it has been known to not only injur the person doing the spell but the person it's being performed on. The person[s] performing the spell need to be knowing of the magicks or the risks of killing the object of the spell become higher."
My eyes narrowed and I wasn't sure if I was feeling more hurt or if I was just angry, maybe even a little scared. "You were going to do this to me...You lied Spike...you lied to me again..." I grabbed the book with both hands and before I knew it I was swinging it at him. "How could you?! I told you I loved you...Apparently that wasn't good enough for you. You were going to violate me and try to fix me like some damn toy!"
I dropped the book and started to hit him, not caring where or what was going on, I don't know what was going through my mind but it was just too much.
He grabbed my arms and pinned me to the wall, pressing his body against mine and leaving me pinned. When I spoke again, I spoke softly, my voice raw and I could feel the tears run down my face. "Why...How could you do this to me?"
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So she wasn’t really seeing the positive aspects of this little situation, then? Big bloody surprise, that was. Anyway, sod her, I didn’t bloody lie…hell, I’d looked the book for all of three minutes, I hadn’t had sodding time enough to lie. You did say it wasn’t what it looked like, not really true that, was it?
But before I had time to think about it anymore the bint was laying into me, fists flying and bloody hell, she wasn’t holding back and it hurt like hell. Well, she could get buggered; didn’t she know that everything I did, I did for her?
Moving quickly I grabbed her arms and spun her around, pinning her to the wall and pressing my body up against hers to make sure that was where she bloody well stayed. The feel of her body against mine, as always, got me all hot and bothered and my cock twitched as my mind ran through all the possible ways that I could discipline her. But this wasn’t the time…
"Why...How could you do this to me?"
‘specially when she was crying. A sick feeling - guilt, I s’pose - started building in my gut as she sobbed quietly against the wall, her soft body pressed harshly against the wood by my harder one. I sighed and let her go. How did we get back here? To the place where I was the sodding bad guy again.
“Tara,” I said softly, hearing an edge of desperation creep into my voice. “I wasn’t…I mean I wasn’t really thinking about it. I just can’t stand to see you in so much pain. It’s the bloody soul that’s causing it, making you feel bad about all the things you should be enjoying .”
I stepped back from her and ran my hands through my hair. This was becoming a right balls up, as per bloody usual.
“Hell, Tara, it even makes you feel guilty about us mak-shagging…shouldn’t be that way when two people love each other.”
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I looked at him as he stepped back from me. "Spike..." Why didn't he get this? Why didn't he understand anything that was going on. "This soul that you want so desperately to get rid of is the same soul that fell in love with you." I spat at him, my voice low. "All these things that I'm feeling, that are going against this demon inside of me they are me, they make me who I am, who I was." I could swear my heart was breaking at all this fighting, this was going to be a constant war we were in, I could feel it.
“Hell, Tara, it even makes you feel guilty about us mak-shagging…shouldn’t be that way when two people love each other.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and it was almost like something small snapped inside me. "I don't feel guilty about us being together. You were right to correct yourself, Spike. We don't make love, heck, I don't even think..." I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, glaring at him. "We fuck, Spike. Fuck is all we do, we fight and you pin me somewhere and all I want is for you inside me. We've never...no, we made love once..." The tears ran down my face again and I silently cursed them. "I wish we hadn't...then I wouldn't have this ache inside me that is almost ready to swallow me whole."
I wish there was a spell or a book, something, that would take this feeling away, but there wasn't and nothing would take this empty and betrayed feeling away.
"You don't love me, maybe you think you do but you don't Spike. You just want the monster you created, to get her I'd be totally gone but I don't think you realize that. Sometimes..." I looked down and tried to quiet the storm inside my heart and my mind, I felt like I was a battle ground and the one person who I thought was on my side abandoned me. "I wish you'd just let me die that night...then I wouldn't feel like this...I wouldn't...I wouldn't have started to hate you." I murmured softly, scared of everything, including my own thoughts.
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“That’s not fair,” I spat, burning on the inside with rage and hurt. “I do love you. Just ‘cos I made a bloody mistake. Bloody hell, me looking at a damn spell book doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
"I wish you'd just let me die that night...then I wouldn't feel like this...I wouldn't...I wouldn't have started to hate you."
“No,” I said softly, walking towards her. I think I was scared…yeah, bloody hell I was scared, but I hated it when she talked like that and I couldn’t bear to hear her say she hated me. This situation was fast getting out of my control.
“Love,” I whispered, raising a hand to stroke her hair. “I do want you, soul and all, s’just sometimes when you get like you do I get desperate.” I pulled her towards me but she stayed stiff as a board in my arms. How could I make her see that all this was for her own bloody good?
“You don’t see how you get, you’re in so much pain and all I can do is watch. I just don’t know how to fix it short of getting rid of your soul.”
She stiffened in my arms. Right, probably not the best thing to say.
“But I wouldn’t,” I said quickly. “Not if you didn’t want me to.”
I wrapped my arms more tightly around her and stroked her hair, I couldn’t believe that things had gotten so bloody turned around. I mean five bloody minute ago I was inside her. Fucking her I thought. And don’t forget, she’s the one that asked you to do it. Got all high and mighty before, but she didn’t ask you to make love to her, did she? I thought bitterly.
“Losing the soul might not even change you that much, pet. Didn’t change me.”
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The way he said it nearly broke me, he sounded as broken as I felt at this moment. I didn't know what to do or think, I listened to him speak as he wrapped his arms around me. I kept stiff in his arms, trying to fight every urge inside me, they wanted to hold him, beg him to hold me but they also wanted to rip his eyes out for the things he's done and made me feel.
It was odd but I could almost read his thoughts as he held me tightly to him and ran his fingers through my hair. "W-why...why can't things be like that night..." It was his fault, but I loved him too much to tell him that. If he hadn't slept with that woman that day and if I hadn't found her panties in his bed...things would be different, very different between us. "I want things how they were, when things were as normal as two people from this town could get. Maybe...Maybe that's my problem...I wanted a normal relationship, a normal boyfriend. That can't - wouldn't and won't - happen because you're a vampire."
I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder. "I...I love you...but you're killing me..." I murmured against his neck, holding onto him for dear life. I didn't want to let him go but I knew I had to, I had to leave and see the one person that I knew that just might understand.
“Losing the soul might not even change you that much, pet. Didn’t change me.”
Pulling away from him I looked up at him. "Don't lie to me William. I can get the watchers diary's that say otherwise." I looked down at him and I felt my heart hurt even more as a memory that would never be ran through my mind.
He touched my face and made me look at him. "I just want...I want one night - one fucking moment - of normal with you, why is that so hard to get Spike? W-why..." I hated feeling like this, I hated it with everything that this demon was made of. It hated that I still felt as a human but it loved the agony I felt.
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She liked it soft and slow…she liked being with me. Not big bad Spike, not a vicious killer. Me. I was just so caught up in my ways that I’d forgotten that she wasn’t Dru. I didn’t need to be constantly proving how brutal and cold I could be, with Tara I could let that go. I mean rough and tumble is all kinds of fun…didn’t exactly want to let it go, but…
God, we just needed to find a balance that’s all.
I pulled back and looked at her. “It’s been a long time since I was human, princess, sometimes I forget.” I stroked her hair and smiled lightly, sadly. “Give me another chance? Just one more? I’ll give you your moment.”
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Nothing but confusion ran through me and I couldn't help but lean into his touch, it just felt so good that I couldn't bare to be away from him. But it was painfully clear that I had to be, I knew where I had to go and maybe he'd give me some balance. Spike would never forgive me if I went to him though.
We had forever to fix it and the look in his eyes now proved that we'd get through that when - and if - I came back.
Selfishly I didn't tell him that I was going, not with the look in his eyes, maybe he got the point and I wouldn't have to leave after all.
I reached up and touched his face, leaning up on tiptoes and kissing him softly, I didn't speak - I was afraid of my own voice - but I did nod slightly against his lips, reaching down and lacing my fingers with his, letting him lead as I worried about my own fight inside my mind.
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She couldn’t wrap me ‘round her sodding little finger like she seemed to always be able to do if I didn’t.
Breaking the kiss, I led her over to the table and sat her down. She still seemed a bit pissed, so it’d probably be best to pull out all the stops on this one. Never let it be said that I couldn’t charm a bird if I had to.
“You stay there a minute, love,” I said smiling. “I’ll come and get you when it’s ready.”
With that I walked off into the back room. When what’s ready? I asked myself and it was a good bloody question. I didn’t know what I was going to do, all I knew was that she wanted ‘normal’. I didn’t want to break it to her, but normal usually consisted of some daft twat taking her to the pictures and then groping her in the back seat of his car. If she was lucky she might get some popcorn out of it but not much else.
No need to panic though, I’d been around long enough to know what birds really wanted, they wanted to feel special…they wanted a bloke to pay attention to them. Guess that’s what she’d been trying to tell me all along. But bugger her, I had tried. That’s what that night out shopping, and that fleabag motel was all about. Okay, well she needed a reminder then, I could oblige.
Working quickly, I grabbed some candles out of a nearby box of stock and chucked a couple of the big cushions that were lying around the place in a heap, together with some blankets. I arranged the candles around and lit them with my lighter. It looked like something she’d like, with the candles and whatnot. Just then I spied a portable radio in the corner and grinned. Little music to sooth the savage beast wouldn’t go astray, ‘specially if I wanted to avoid another bollocking.
I turned on the radio. It blared out some bloody dance music and I quickly turned it down, tuning into something soft and girly.
Right. Looked good. Time to get the guest of honour.
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Thing's will change soon, I have to believe that. Once I go to him maybe I'll have a better look on things or something. Maybe I just need a break is all.
I heard fumbling in the back room as I sat quietly on the table, waiting for him to come back. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, I wasn't sure what I felt any more, I knew I was confused if anything and I needed a break...no, I needed clarity. Sharp, cold, clarity.
Music blasted and I jumped, turning towards the door and seeing Spike come back when it was changed to something different. "Spike?" I cocked my brow at him and watched as he walked towards me. "What are you up to?"
I wrapped my arms around his chest and kissed his neck softly as I pulled him closer to me. "I love you..." I murmured against his skin. "Make me feel again, Spike...please..." I gasped without need as he grabbed my ass and pulled me to him, lifting me off the table, he slowly turned and headed to the back room.
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But bugger me, did I hope she’d chose shagging.
As I led her into the back room I smiled slightly to myself. We seemed to be starting to sort out our arguments a bit better these days, sure I was still as confused as hell most of the time, but maybe we really could make this work, soul and all.
“Like it, pet?” I asked as I watched her look around the room. I really hoped she did. I wanted to see her smile more than anything right at that minute.
“Guess I don’t really know what normal is, but we can do whatever you like.” I squeezed her hand. “I’m not just trying to get you into bed…we can, well, talk if you like. Said you wanted to if I remember right and you’re not the worst conversation partner I’ve ever had.”
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"Normal..." I laughed slightly and started pulling him into the room, giggling I pushed him into the cushions he placed in the middle of the candles before laying down next to him. "We're Sunnydale foke, I don't think 'normal' is in the handbook."
I reached down and took his hand, lacing his fingers in mine as I lifted his hand to my lips, kissing his fingers lightly with my eyes closed. "I can't explain it, I wish - fucking hell - do I wish I could explain to you what's going on inside me..."
Turning I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him. "It's like...I'm still here you know? Me, the girl who loved cooking, painting, her kitten, Dawn and the same girl that fell in love with you. Now, there's like this new bit of me that wants to rebel against that, all she wants is the pain and the hurt and she just wants to worship her Sire. I...I don't want that, not that I..." I sighed and closed my eyes. "I miss the old me, I miss a lot of things...I miss...I miss how you looked at her, how you made her feel when you did and when you touched her...like...like she was worth something..."
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God, is that really how she felt? Like she was just… “You mean something, hell, you mean everything to me Tara,” I said softly, an edge of urgency crept into my voice but I didn’t care. A moment ago I was pissed off that she didn’t seem to want to see that everything I did was for her, but maybe she really didn’t see…maybe I was doing the wrong things.
I pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead.
“I’m sorry I’ve been…rough, I just though,” I sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know what I bloody thought.” I kissed her hair and inhaled its sweet scent. “I s’pose I thought deep down you were enjoying it rough.”
Lifting her chin, I looked into her eyes before kissing her softly. Yeah okay, I liked it rough and part of me loved it when she writhed in pain and pleasure underneath me, made me feel like her god, like I owned her, but maybe that wasn’t the only way to feel that. Not as if I didn’t like it the other way, either…I did, just never had much of a chance to perfect my skills in the sensitive lover department, guess since I’d always been with birds that liked it rough and ready.
“I don’t…I don’t want it to always be like that.” I kissed her again and pushed her softly back into the pillows. “Let me show you how much I love you,” I whispered against her lips. “Like I did that night. I loved you then you know, just hadn’t admitted it to myself.”
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“I’m sorry I’ve been…rough, I just though, I don’t know what I bloody thought. I s’pose I thought deep down you were enjoying it rough.”
I sighed softly and nodded. "I do...but there's still more then that I like...I love any excuse for you to touch me. The rough, is new. It's hard for all of me to grasp, but that doesn't mean I don't want it." I admitted before he kissed me gently.
Shifting on the pillows I looked into his eyes as his lips ghosted over mine. "Please, William..." I whispered against his lips, running my hands lightly over his arms and shoulders. "Show me, I want you."
Smiling sadly I nodded, running my thumb over his cheek. "I know now...I was afraid then, I was scared to let her go, I was scared to let you in...I was scared to lose you." I ran my hand down his arm and leaned up to his lips again. "We were both stupid."
I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him hard, needing him and wanting him how I truly craved. "I want you." I gasped against his lips, my eyes meeting his. "Like that night...I love you, please."
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Without a word I pulled back and stripped of my shirt, before catching the hem of hers and pulling it off her, properly this time. I was going to take my time, be gentle, be the sweet, ‘normal’ lover she said she wanted, not like it was a hard game to play…wasn’t sure it even was a game.
“Love you, too,” I said softly, running a hand down her cheek and sinking my body down on top of hers. My cock twitched and arousal started to build warmly in my gut. My mind ran through all the possible ways I could have her right then, but I ignored them, I already knew how I was going to play this round.
Kissing her slowly, I ran my hand down her side, tickling her ribs with my fingertips as I did. I heard her sigh softly against my lips and I pulled back, moving my lips to her neck and trailing kisses down her throat. I wanted to bite her, god did I. Didn’t help that the wound I’d given her less than an hour before was still open…
Sod it. I lapped at the torn flesh softly, not wanting to hurt, just to taste before I shifted and started to move down her body.
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