Hope
Title: Hope
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Characters: Blair/Serena
Prompt: 085. She.
Word Count: 1 718
Rating: PG 13
Summary: She always strived for perfection, but never achieved it.
Author's Notes: A kind of sequel to Maybe. This is what happened from Blair's POV.
Author's Notes 2: I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I can't remember the last time I wrote like this. I hope this explains Blair's actions just a little.
The Table
Ever since she was 14, Blair had known that there was only one person in the world who she would ever love. She also knew that she could never get that person. Because she would never ever get someone as perfect as Serena van der Woodsen.
She was Blair Waldorf. She always strived for perfection, but never achieved it. Serena just was perfect. Starting from her golden hair and ending with her pink toes, everything about her was perfect. That’s why she knows that Serena can never know about her real feelings for her. Besides, she doesn’t want to commit social suicide. She knows she’s not strong enough for that.
That’s why she settles for Chuck. She feels at least something for him. Passion and lust. She knew that at the very least he would be fun to be around. Besides, his wealth didn’t hurt either. She knew that he was a womanizer, but she really didn’t think that he would start cheating on her. At least not as often, and definitely not with so many women at once.
The first time he cheated on her was after they had been really together for almost two years. Honestly, it surprised Blair that Chuck had been faithful to her all this time. The first time, it was only one girl. Penelope.
Blair left the apartment without making a noise. At first, she just sat on the back seat of the cab she had just caught. When 5 minutes later the driver asked her where she wanted to go, she told him Serena’s address.
As soon as Serena opened the door, she started sobbing and the blonde wrapped her arms around her instantly. Blair wasn’t sure why she was crying. It wasn’t like she loved Chuck. She just felt betrayed.
“Shh,” Serena would whisper every once in a while, as she rubbed Blair’s back. “He’s not worth your tears.”
Blair knew that. Of course he wasn’t worth them. She should’ve just been angry at him. But she just felt sad. Here she was, sitting with the one person she really loved. There were so many times during the two years that she had wanted to kiss Serena. But she never would. Because she was married to Chuck. Yet he had no problem cheating on her.
She has stopped sobbing by now, there are just a few silent tears running down her cheeks still. “Thank you,” she whispers, looking into Serena’s eyes. Then, without really thinking of what she’s doing, she kisses Serena on the lips. It’s soft and gentle. Nothing like her kisses with Chuck.
“What are you doing?” Serena asks, as she pulled slightly away from Blair.
“I...” She gulps. “I want you.” She wants to tell Serena that she loves her, but she can’t. She’s not ready yet.
Blair can’t sleep. She can’t believe that she just had sex with Serena. She places a soft kiss onto her cheek. “I love you.” The whisper is barely audible, and the blonde lying next to her is fast asleep. She knows that Serena didn’t hear her, which is how it’s supposed to be.
After the third time Chuck cheated on her and she found herself in Serena’s arms and in her bed, she is sure that Serena must feel something for her too. She understood it when she told Serena that she would be getting married to Chuck.
He proposed to her the second she got home from Serena’s. She was sure that she still smelled like the blonde. But she accepted the proposal anyway, because it was the right thing to do.
When she told the news to Serena, her own eyes shining just as brightly as the diamond on her finger, she swore she could see Serena flinch.
On her wedding day she just hopes and wishes that Serena would stop her. The night before, they sleep together again. And when Serena helps her into the white dress, she knows that when Serena would just tell her that she loves Blair, she would leave everything for her.
Even though Blair notices that Serena is fidgety all through the ceremony, her mouth stays shut. So Blair promises to love and cherish Chuck and only Chuck for the rest of her life.
Every night she goes home, hoping and wishing that would find Chuck with someone again. She’s just looking for an excuse to go to Serena. To kiss her and to make love to her again.
When she sees that Chuck is alone, waiting for her, she feels a bang of disappointment. She knows that she will have to sleep with him, and she knows that she will have to act like she enjoys it. Because she is supposed to be in love with him, after all. Besides, she faked a headache just few nights ago, she knows that excuse won’t work for yet another night
As he starts undressing her, and placing feather kisses all over her body, it’s very hard for her not to think of Serena. When she feels that he’s done, she fakes and orgasm to get him off her.
By the time she has been married to Chuck for a year, she has lost count of how many times she has gone to Serena after she has found Chuck cheating on her with a girl or two girls.
Each time instead of telling Serena that she loves her, she tells her that she wants her instead. Each night she lays in bed, restless, thinking that this time she will tell Serena how she really feels when Serena’s awake. Each night, she places a kiss onto her cheek and whispers, barely audible, “I love you.”
But in the morning, she is awoken by Chuck’s phone call. He apologizes, like he always does, and tells her that he loves her. “I know you’re sorry,” she whispers. She’s already crying. Not because she is happy about making things right with Chuck, but because she won’t be able to make things right with Serena. “I just wish you would stop doing that to me.” He forgives him, because it’s the right thing to do.
“Blair,” she hears Serena’s groggy voice from behind her. “What’s going on?”
She spins around, surprised that Serena’s awake. “I’ll come home soon, Chuck.” She hands up without listening to his reply. She glances at Serena, but she feels kind of ashamed to look at her. “Chuck called. He’s really sorry.”
“Like he was the last time? And the time before that?” Of course Serena’s right. This happens every single time.
“Just because you want me for yourself, doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy with someone else.” She knows that it’s a low blow even for her. But she thinks that maybe if she hurts Serena enough, once, she won’t be able to hurt the blonde again in the future. She pulls on her Jimmpy Choo’s and stands up.
“Well, don’t come running to me the next time you find him in your bed with another set of twins.” Suddenly Serena’s not lying in bed, but she’s standing by the bed, totally naked. Even though Blair has seen Serena’s naked body before, and has memorized every inch of it, she looks away.
“Fine,” she says, after her senses have cleared up a little. “I won’t. Because that will never happen again. I’m sure of it.”
Serena was right, of course. Not even a month passes before she finds Chuck cheating her again. There are 4 of them in their bed this time - Chuck and triplets.
“What the fuck, Chuck?” she yells. She’s had enough. She can’t be silent any more.
“Excuse me for a moment, ladies,” Chuck tells to the triplets, as he gets off the bed. He guides Blair out of the bedroom.
“When are you going to stop doing this to me?” She feels like throwing up. She feels like she needs Serena.
“What do you want me to do? My wife is a frigid bitch who shows no interest in actually fucking me. The only one you fuck every chance you get is Serena.”
Blair slaps Chuck before she has time to think. “Fuck you,” she hisses through her teeth.
“Gladly. Do you want to join us? I’m more than enough for 4 lovely ladies. It’s a proven theory.” There’s a grin plastered on his face.
There are so many things that she knows she could tell him. So many insults, so many profanities. Instead, she just turns around and walks out of their apartment.
Even though she told Serena that she wouldn’t go to the blonde anymore, she finds herself at the blonde’s door yet again. “He was having fun with some sleazy triplets this time,” she tells Serena as soon as the door is opened. She’s crying, but not because she’s sad of what happened. But because she knows that their marriage is really doomed. There is nothing left to fix, no matter right it might be.
“At least it wasn’t twins this time,” Serena says with a smile. She wraps her arms around Blair in a hug.
For a moment she thinks of not kissing Serena. She thinks of just telling her everything. But that thought only crosses her mind for a moment. Her lips crash onto Serena’s, and she doesn’t even need to tell her that she wants her. Everything just happens, like it has always happened.
Hours later, when they’re both lying in bed, Blair’s head resting on Serena’s naked chest, Blair makes a decision. She’s not going to go back to Chuck, no matter how much he grovels. She can’t care about what other people think any more. Caring about other people’s opinion has brought her nothing but misery. It’s time she lives for herself.
“I love you.” Even though it’s still just a whisper, she’s sure that Serena heard her because she can’t be sleeping yet.
“I love you too, Blair,” Serena whispers and kisses Blair’s forehead.
Blair hopes that when morning comes, she will be able to face Serena and tell her the same thing without fear. She hopes that she will be able to face Chuck and tell him the truth, because she knows that she can’t be happy with him.
She will always love Serena, after all. It’s always her.