(no subject)

[__breakthehabit]

so, things with alex are back to awkward again. rather, things are back to me feeling like i'm useless.
i guess in a way i am useless to him, the way i act and stuff.
but i just don't know how i feel.
i wish i did.
i wish i could tell him everything on my mind
but he's so unresponsive, and you know what... i really can't deal with it.
i want to be his friend so badly.
i love it when we hang out.
i love it when i'm in his arms.
i love being able to kiss him.
i love being able to just fall asleep with him next to me.
i love that.
i just. i don't know what i want.
or who i want.
and it's getting to be complete nonsense.
i need some time to think about things.
i need to be away from talking to him.
i need.
i need.
i need someone else to come into my life and show me how to love.

i need to be gone. i need to not feel. i need. i want. i must have. i need to be numb.
no.
i need something real. and not just these memories.