(no subject)
Dearest Alex, you may not have noticed, but I am dearly in love with you. I am in love with the man I hate. Because I do hate you. You are breaking my heart. You are making me fall for you, and saying that I can't have you all at the same time. i wish i could go back to the place where i couldn't screw things up. I wish we'd had a chance to be together, because now i don't know what could've happened, or if we'd still be together. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I was planning on helping you once your Alex gave up on you, but now that's it's happened, I don't know what to do. The thing is, sweetheart, I'm not asking for forever. I'm asking for here and now. Just a moment with you. Just a single little second in our lives together. It won't be about the great sex that we have, or about the cigarettes we smoke, but that we will be looking in the same direction together. and maybe, just maybe..for a moment out of our lives we'll be happy with each other. If that doesn't count for something, than i don't know what does. Alex, I'm crazy about you. I love you for the person that you are, and the man that you want to become. You are amazing in every way, despite what you might think. I love you for making me laugh in the face of horrendous pain. I love you for giving me cigarettes when I need them. I love you for not asking much of me, just accepting me for the being that I am. I love you for your wits, your looks, and your passion. But mostly I love you because you're Alex. I keep having these reoccuring dreams about you, that I can't quite understand. You're always in them. One time we were holding hands, and another I was hugging you. The last one I had, I got this insane feeling of comfort. I'm not looking for forever. I'm not your stalker(lol) and I'm certainly not obsessed with you. I just think we could work, my dear. Maybe not forever. Maybe not even for a day. but we're both at the same place, we both want the same things. I just wish you knew. And i know that nothing I say and nothing i can do will ever change your mind. Sometimes it really makes me angry because I don't really know how to tell you what I'm feeling. I feel safe around you, and that just doesn't happen often. you know I'm not usually happy, but you make me happy..and I think that counts for something. I get sad because I know I won't ever know anyone like you, but I get happy because I DO know someone like you. I wish you happiness. If nothing else, it's happiness i want for you. Forever & always here for you, Michaela