(no subject)
I have my appointment tomorrow.
I haven't had one of these since a year ago when they told me that I had to take a little pill that would force my body into labor.
It's with a younger woman this time, which makes me more comfortable than if it was with an older woman. She's a doctor, so I'm sure she knows what she's doing regardless of her age. And she'll probably be a lot more relatable.
I have to get my BC shot tomorrow which usually hurts like a tetanus shot and leaves a small bruise.
I also have to get my second HPV vaccine tomorrow. That one hurts like I took a sledge hammer to my arm and leaves a yellowy-greeny bruise the size of a tennis ball for a few weeks. The nurse will undoubtedly try to get me to take the shot in my butt/hip but then I would just be sitting on that kind of pain for weeks.
Anyway, I'm mostly talking about the shots to avoid thinking about the actual exam. It's not the memories of last time that make it horribly uncomfortable (although they help...), it's that I feel invaded, self-conscious, alone, nervous about something bad coming up and on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. Now, keep in mind - I didn't have general anxiety issues last time I had one of these. Now that I do? I have no idea what will happen. And my mom can't give me a ride (I made this appointment for last Tuesday - she said she would take me then backed out at the last minute so I rescheduled. Again she said she would take me and again she has backed out) so I'll have a 40 minute bus ride after the whole ordeal is over to look forward to. Because 25 minutes on the bus with loud, angry ghetto people (Most buses are fairly pleasant. The 16 has never, ever been tolerable.) in the middle of rush hour from the border of Minneapolis to Midway is exactly what one needs after they've been traumatized.
And it's at 3, which means no one else in my family would be able to go with me because they'll all be at work. I might call Grandpa in the morning on the off chance he doesn't have a 6th period class. I doubt I'll have any such luck.
I hate men. Well, no, I'm jealous of men. They're not invaded and demoralized on a yearly basis until they hit 40. Women are supposed to start as soon as they hit 18 or have sex for the first time (which ever comes first). And then when we hit 40 we get to have another terribly uncomfortable exam every year, though I imagine that one is significantly more pleasant - after 22 years of someone shoving a little metal device into you to open you up so they can continue to violate you with their fingers, little brushes and q-tips while you have your ankles spread wide and held higher than your head in a cold, steel pair of 'stirrups', a little groping should be no problem.
And now I'm scaring all of my friends who haven't had one of these (which I think is the vast majority of them) beyond belief. I'm sorry. It's not as bad as it sounds - I'm just... scared of it and so I portray it in a terrifying light. The whole thing only takes like 5-10 minutes and, while extremely mentally uncomfortable, there's no physical discomfort and without the yearly exam you could very well end up dying of cervical cancer or having a growth that renders you infertile. Or worse. If I didn't understand how incredibly vital these things were there's no chance in hell I would ever go through them. But they are really, really vital.
Anyway, I should be doing things like house work.
I haven't had one of these since a year ago when they told me that I had to take a little pill that would force my body into labor.
It's with a younger woman this time, which makes me more comfortable than if it was with an older woman. She's a doctor, so I'm sure she knows what she's doing regardless of her age. And she'll probably be a lot more relatable.
I have to get my BC shot tomorrow which usually hurts like a tetanus shot and leaves a small bruise.
I also have to get my second HPV vaccine tomorrow. That one hurts like I took a sledge hammer to my arm and leaves a yellowy-greeny bruise the size of a tennis ball for a few weeks. The nurse will undoubtedly try to get me to take the shot in my butt/hip but then I would just be sitting on that kind of pain for weeks.
Anyway, I'm mostly talking about the shots to avoid thinking about the actual exam. It's not the memories of last time that make it horribly uncomfortable (although they help...), it's that I feel invaded, self-conscious, alone, nervous about something bad coming up and on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. Now, keep in mind - I didn't have general anxiety issues last time I had one of these. Now that I do? I have no idea what will happen. And my mom can't give me a ride (I made this appointment for last Tuesday - she said she would take me then backed out at the last minute so I rescheduled. Again she said she would take me and again she has backed out) so I'll have a 40 minute bus ride after the whole ordeal is over to look forward to. Because 25 minutes on the bus with loud, angry ghetto people (Most buses are fairly pleasant. The 16 has never, ever been tolerable.) in the middle of rush hour from the border of Minneapolis to Midway is exactly what one needs after they've been traumatized.
And it's at 3, which means no one else in my family would be able to go with me because they'll all be at work. I might call Grandpa in the morning on the off chance he doesn't have a 6th period class. I doubt I'll have any such luck.
I hate men. Well, no, I'm jealous of men. They're not invaded and demoralized on a yearly basis until they hit 40. Women are supposed to start as soon as they hit 18 or have sex for the first time (which ever comes first). And then when we hit 40 we get to have another terribly uncomfortable exam every year, though I imagine that one is significantly more pleasant - after 22 years of someone shoving a little metal device into you to open you up so they can continue to violate you with their fingers, little brushes and q-tips while you have your ankles spread wide and held higher than your head in a cold, steel pair of 'stirrups', a little groping should be no problem.
And now I'm scaring all of my friends who haven't had one of these (which I think is the vast majority of them) beyond belief. I'm sorry. It's not as bad as it sounds - I'm just... scared of it and so I portray it in a terrifying light. The whole thing only takes like 5-10 minutes and, while extremely mentally uncomfortable, there's no physical discomfort and without the yearly exam you could very well end up dying of cervical cancer or having a growth that renders you infertile. Or worse. If I didn't understand how incredibly vital these things were there's no chance in hell I would ever go through them. But they are really, really vital.
Anyway, I should be doing things like house work.