(no subject)
in my life i have never known anyone to stay. no one is a constant. it leaves me incredibly lonely. i know not to get too close to others because they probably won't be there for long. im starting to feel this with dione. and those who have tried to stay, i just push them away. the only person who has ever tried with me is ana. but we just don't have much in common anymore. im not sure we ever really did. i have loved two people in my life. when i love, it is with all of me. i am vulnerable. i am naive. i am absorbed. i am intense. i am attentive. i am engaged. i am sacrificed. i am there. i am.... too much perhaps. and everyone leaves. not by some huge life-altering occurance. just fades away. i don't know why i purposely keep my family at a distance. the only thing that makes sense is that i keep them away to protect myself. but im not sure from what. when i think about how i grew up.. its not as strange. walking into my room as a child to see people doing lines of coke on my dresser. watching my uncle strangle my aunt. always having to stop playing with the neighbor's kids because the cops were at my house again. fighting and punching and screaming as hard as i could at the man who choked my brother. never forgetting the day that someone i trusted with all of my childhood innocence touched me in a way that will affect my entire life. but i was always protected in my inner circle. my parents got us out of there. and things could be normal. but the damage was done for me. and now i keep them at a distance. why? because im afraid to be hurt? because i learned at a very young age that life will take away everything you know and not even think twice? because i couldnt handle it if they left... so i emotionally leave first. won't hurt as much when they leave. its worked fine until now. until i was ready to start a new family. a new inner circle. a new core. a new security. a new last name. but that left too. i think its so hard for me because i am finally ready to stop living in that fear. i have been around people my whole life and felt alone every day. and im done living like that. of course. when i find someone i care about and would be there for, as a friend, for anything. i feel her fading. dione. of course. when i pick up my pieces of a life and heart and randomly meet someone that i can't stop looking at when she's around. and i just want to take that chance. someone else gets to look at her the way im not allowed to. her. of course. that i think i am someone to someone that i am not. always. i always think of myself as that character in the movies.. the one who goes to her siblings house for holidays and just sits and watches the warm family interactions. the love. the purety. not relating to them. just sitting. much like adam sandler in punch drunk love. or molly shannon in year of the dog. i am the outlier. i feel like i have been trying to acclimate for too long. with no progress. the world is a cup of water and i am a drop of oil. never settling. always apparent.