It's not what I want, it's what I need.
So much has brought me down lately.
I feel like I'm so small.
Constantly stepped on, without anyone noticing.
I need a way to clear my head of these horrible horrible things.
I feel like bugs constantly crawl through my skin.
That icth you can't scratch.
That feeling that just won't go away.
And I feel like a complete lame ass, still using LiveJournal and all, instead of talking to people face to face.
I've become so scared of everyone.
Because for once, things with my friends are great.
No arguing, no distance, nothing.
And I will do whatever I can to keep it that way, even if it means me being unhappy.
Because honestly, I am unhappy.
So unhappy that no one can tell, if that is even possible.
I don't know how I got this way, I just know that it happened and it's here to stay, for a very very long time.
I want a relationship with my dad. A real one. Not this see each other everyday and only say a few words type thing. I want to talk to him, confide in him, he is my father for christ's sake, but damn, don't make this so hard on me.
I've started depressing the hell out of myself thinking of my grandpa. Because I know that if he were here I would be at least 50% better than I am, reguardless.
But he's not here anymore, and I can't even bring myself to go to that fucking cemetery, which makes me feel even more like shit.
I'm slowly wasting away. I can't pull myself out of this place, this hole, that I've dug for myself, so deep, so deep that I can't even breathe on my own anymore. I need cigarettes to make my breathing normal, to calm my nerves that are always fucking up and making me feel crazy, and I swear I will not turn into her.
I know she's my mother, but I can't, I CAN'T, become what she is. I can't have problems, I have to be Jessa, I have to be who everyone expects, and I can't have anything that will place me into the catagory of that woman. I will do whatever it takes to medicate the life back into me. I cannot become dead to the world, emotionless, scared. I cannot become who she is, but I'm so fucking scared it's coming down to that. I'm scared that she's given me her bad side, somewhere along the genes of her, I am becoming fucked up and catching every little thing that is wrong with her. I am just to scared to go to the doctor to find out IF there is anything wrong, if there is anything I can do to prevent ever becoming like her.
I just don't want to fucking feel this anymore.
Okay, that's all I'm asking!
Just please stop...
Stop all of this BULLSHIT.
Please...
Please...
Please.
And what I am listening to is Bright eyes, and I don't want to hear shit from anyone, because despite how I dislike them, this song is the most perfect song I have ever heard in my entire life.
I feel like I'm so small.
Constantly stepped on, without anyone noticing.
I need a way to clear my head of these horrible horrible things.
I feel like bugs constantly crawl through my skin.
That icth you can't scratch.
That feeling that just won't go away.
And I feel like a complete lame ass, still using LiveJournal and all, instead of talking to people face to face.
I've become so scared of everyone.
Because for once, things with my friends are great.
No arguing, no distance, nothing.
And I will do whatever I can to keep it that way, even if it means me being unhappy.
Because honestly, I am unhappy.
So unhappy that no one can tell, if that is even possible.
I don't know how I got this way, I just know that it happened and it's here to stay, for a very very long time.
I want a relationship with my dad. A real one. Not this see each other everyday and only say a few words type thing. I want to talk to him, confide in him, he is my father for christ's sake, but damn, don't make this so hard on me.
I've started depressing the hell out of myself thinking of my grandpa. Because I know that if he were here I would be at least 50% better than I am, reguardless.
But he's not here anymore, and I can't even bring myself to go to that fucking cemetery, which makes me feel even more like shit.
I'm slowly wasting away. I can't pull myself out of this place, this hole, that I've dug for myself, so deep, so deep that I can't even breathe on my own anymore. I need cigarettes to make my breathing normal, to calm my nerves that are always fucking up and making me feel crazy, and I swear I will not turn into her.
I know she's my mother, but I can't, I CAN'T, become what she is. I can't have problems, I have to be Jessa, I have to be who everyone expects, and I can't have anything that will place me into the catagory of that woman. I will do whatever it takes to medicate the life back into me. I cannot become dead to the world, emotionless, scared. I cannot become who she is, but I'm so fucking scared it's coming down to that. I'm scared that she's given me her bad side, somewhere along the genes of her, I am becoming fucked up and catching every little thing that is wrong with her. I am just to scared to go to the doctor to find out IF there is anything wrong, if there is anything I can do to prevent ever becoming like her.
I just don't want to fucking feel this anymore.
Okay, that's all I'm asking!
Just please stop...
Stop all of this BULLSHIT.
Please...
Please...
Please.
And what I am listening to is Bright eyes, and I don't want to hear shit from anyone, because despite how I dislike them, this song is the most perfect song I have ever heard in my entire life.