(no subject)
When is sacrificing your future okay? Because honestly, I feel like that's almost the choice I want to make. Be happy for another five and a half years. Or potentially get my dream job someday, stuck in god-awful Bristol, Connecticut. I'm going to have to make that choice eventually and there's so many factors and conclusions that need to be drawn. Four years to spend another four years to spend a fast-paced life talking about men on steroids and coach scandals. Do I really want a life so radically different?
I think the real fear, deep deep deep down is that if I do run away from the family and friends I've known and I fail at what I want, I'll have no safety net. I will fall into the proverbial dark, lonely pit of unhappiness and I will regret everything. Dillan will be with someone who makes him happy, and that's all I could really want. More than I want him, more than I need him, I want and need him to be happy, to be complete. I need to know that the boy I love with all my heart and all my soul is taken care of. I need him to always have this "can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series" love, this heart-breaking, unending love. I need him to be complete even if I'm not. So what do I do? Do I end things, leave for far off Athens, Georgia? Or do I stay, choose Miami or Gainesville and be close enough to run home with I'm sad or scared.
And what about my family? Dad is 69, he'll be 70 when I graduate. Can he really stand much longer? As much as I can't stand how he hurt me and how he destroyed my mother, I still love him for everything he's ever done for me. I can't stand his choice in wife, but I can't stand to live without our dinner dates, our football talks, and his wisdom. I have John, I have the big brother who will protect me and take care of me with his life, but he's not Dad. And Mom? What if she relapses and becomes the wreck I try and forget? I can't deal with picking up pieces again. I can't.
I just want to have everything work out in the best of all possible worlds.
school sucks, but it is junior year.
I hate Mr. Herrold and his narcissitic attitudes.
He's a freaking middle aged man and he still torments people.
Seriously? You're a douchebag.
I want to go read good books, and watch some more terrible movies and be alive again.
That would be nice.
On a happier note, Eric Hamlet nominated me for debutante which was really, really surprising.
(edit: "Fix You" by Coldplay just came on my iTunes...weird)