(no subject)
It's been a while since I've found myself on one of these rants. I've been doing everything I can to stay occupied and out of my head. I have so many absurdly contradicting emotions about such a variety of things that it's almost unbearable. I don't know where to formally begin, but I guess I'll say firstly that I should have done this a very long time ago. Being encountered with emotions as intense as I've experienced in the past year is nearly impossible to endure unless you've got some kind of outlet to fall back upon. It used to be riding for me, but unfortunately I haven't had the time or money (or motivation, but I try not to admit that) to participate in my favorite activity to do. Writing has always been something I try to do often because it's an incredibly private form of expression.
I'm such a freak show sometimes. I really don't understand how I fool everyone into thinking I am strong and composed. I still, to this day, have trouble finding words to express the intangible pain that pulses inside me during my every waking second. I fear that confronting these problems will only lead to using them as a crutch, and that's the last thing you will ever see me do. I take pride into owning up to things the respectable way, and if that means facing a situation head on I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
This past year year has easily been the most significant year in shaping who I am. This time last year I was so naive yet so exactly sure of myself. Now I am so many years wiser, but have begun to panic at the mention of the future.
Losing Keith has easily been the most trying time this family has ever been through. It's been 3 months already and I still don't believe that I'll never see him again. It's going to take years for it to really set in for me, and probably even longer for me to forgive him for what he did. The thought that he could ever believe no one loved him tortures me like a shotgun to the stomach. He taught me so much about myself and how to treat other people and deserves to be thanked for that. It's been the one roadblock in my life that I just can't seem to get over. I feel like from April 3, 2009 and on I have ceased to exist. I don't know what direction my life is going in or whether or not I have the will to take the wheel. I loved Keith more than I ever thought humanly possible. He was astoundingly innocent and selfless, and I'm still trying to live up to the example he's set for me. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother.
I'm such a freak show sometimes. I really don't understand how I fool everyone into thinking I am strong and composed. I still, to this day, have trouble finding words to express the intangible pain that pulses inside me during my every waking second. I fear that confronting these problems will only lead to using them as a crutch, and that's the last thing you will ever see me do. I take pride into owning up to things the respectable way, and if that means facing a situation head on I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
This past year year has easily been the most significant year in shaping who I am. This time last year I was so naive yet so exactly sure of myself. Now I am so many years wiser, but have begun to panic at the mention of the future.
Losing Keith has easily been the most trying time this family has ever been through. It's been 3 months already and I still don't believe that I'll never see him again. It's going to take years for it to really set in for me, and probably even longer for me to forgive him for what he did. The thought that he could ever believe no one loved him tortures me like a shotgun to the stomach. He taught me so much about myself and how to treat other people and deserves to be thanked for that. It's been the one roadblock in my life that I just can't seem to get over. I feel like from April 3, 2009 and on I have ceased to exist. I don't know what direction my life is going in or whether or not I have the will to take the wheel. I loved Keith more than I ever thought humanly possible. He was astoundingly innocent and selfless, and I'm still trying to live up to the example he's set for me. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother.