Bend the borders, break the silence
Alas, my explorer is working again. Mom had to reinstall XP for like the third time in a month. Oh my computer is so very special...So, hmm...what's up? Nothing all that much has been going on. The usual household "drama", the usual (and yet still mystifying) Happiness and instant calming down of talking to Lio. (JANUARY HOPEFULLY) I get to visit! I've decided I may as well get my G.E.D. I put it off for a few reasons. One, when I was dating Kane last year and talked about that, he couldn't accept it and just kept bitching about how I should go back to drury, and that he wouldn't be with someone who was a "drop-out". What he didn't see was that it wasn't school I was dropping out of, it was life entirely...and drury played a big part in adding to depression and "agorophobia". Unless I was hyped up on something or in a class where I knew most of the people and were okay with them, I was a mess. Mania set in at a teacher even trying to make me answer aloud. Hmm...another reason was that I had difficulty admitting to myself that I really couldn't handle regular high school. I was afraid to get my G.E.D and not be able to go back. My life was on a long, few year period of pause. In which, I was so afraid of moving forward that I ignored the world around me. I'm getting alot better in that sense......Reality can be cruel at times, but no longer am I afraid to face it. So yes, the administator in charge of the classes is only there on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Mom and I are going there tomorrow to register me. It's only a couple hours a few nights a week. I do much better at night, so this is good. I passed the MCAS so I am confident it wont take me long to complete the GED thing. People have said it's a shame that I can't handle drury when I've passed MCAS, but personally...I don't see the difference. It depends on what you want to do with your life. It's not like I want to go to Yale. And I can take college courses with one, if I decide to do so. I don't think I'm "settling" for anything. I'm simply living my life at a comfortable level, while still having "goals" and things I need to work for that are perhaps, not always all that comfortable.
I'm not miserable generally. Which is relatively new to me. Knowing it's for real reasons, and not just denial of things or myself.
Mom went to Vermont today with my Great Aunt Dianne, because Grandpa Ralph(he's a fucking creep) Well his mother died. She always reminded me of the old lady on some disney movie. Maybe Fox and the Hound, if that lady was old with long white hair. *shrugs* I don't really remember her, I haven't seen her since the days when her son Ralph tried feeding me MY OWN PET PIG. It's kind of ironic how mom and I always get into conversations about people and within a few days they are dead. We were talking about her house and Ralph and her a few days ago, if not yesterday. My concept of time isn't all that good.
I went in the car with Mom and Aunt Dianne to go get cigarettes, and she told mom she wants her to get her permit so she can learn to drive and buy a car when she gets her money. (I'm not explaining the story) But anyway, mom found out the amount she's getting is $33,000. Ahaha...aunt dianne was all "I'm really glad you're getting this money tami, it kills me that bobbi joe is going to get it though, she'll spend it all on drugs" lol.
Aunt bobbo is a bimbo and made her gross kids have no christmas even though she got over 1,000$ that she spent all on drugs. I'd love to see them as teenagers.
Aunt Dianne also said "the reason I want you to get a car is because after Grandma smashes this one up she's not getting a new one" and mom laughed as did I. "What makes you think she's going to smash this one up?" Mom asked. "She's reckless!"
I don't know, then they were talking about Gammy Rella's driving and it was amusing to hear my 82 year old grandma called reckless. She drives right out in front of people, she's craaaaaaaaazy.......lol
I got kinda sad when mom was in the store cause I asked aunt Dianne what grandma would do with 33,000$ (Uncle billy is giving his share to her cause he's a ;rich drunk and aunt dianne says it's because he wants to be able to say "I did this and that for g randma", Aunt Dianne is Grandma's Daughter....aka, my grandma's sister. But Nonnie is deceased)She said Pay off her bills and her funeral expenses because she was worried about that, not wanting to leave Aunt Dianne having to pay it. That made me kinda sad. I don't want to think of Gammy Rella Dying. Ah...She's done alot for us ever since I can remember, I mean sure she's old fashioned and stressy and sometimes kinda "snotty"...but I mean, she's 82, she just doesn't understand how much has changed. She gets stressed so easily.....I would too though. Ahh........The world would just be so fucked up, and mom..ah...I know that she's going to die someday, and that really sucks. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I've never fought or argued with her or anything, so, I'm glad I haven't caused her any stress. Etc.
I'm never having kids.
Mom asked what I wanted for Christmas. Lol. CORSET MOM CORSET.
Well well, I need to be going now. I told mom I'd clean the living room. I also have to take a walk to the POST OFFICE because a certain Lio is getting a certain project. Certainly!
I'm not miserable generally. Which is relatively new to me. Knowing it's for real reasons, and not just denial of things or myself.
Mom went to Vermont today with my Great Aunt Dianne, because Grandpa Ralph(he's a fucking creep) Well his mother died. She always reminded me of the old lady on some disney movie. Maybe Fox and the Hound, if that lady was old with long white hair. *shrugs* I don't really remember her, I haven't seen her since the days when her son Ralph tried feeding me MY OWN PET PIG. It's kind of ironic how mom and I always get into conversations about people and within a few days they are dead. We were talking about her house and Ralph and her a few days ago, if not yesterday. My concept of time isn't all that good.
I went in the car with Mom and Aunt Dianne to go get cigarettes, and she told mom she wants her to get her permit so she can learn to drive and buy a car when she gets her money. (I'm not explaining the story) But anyway, mom found out the amount she's getting is $33,000. Ahaha...aunt dianne was all "I'm really glad you're getting this money tami, it kills me that bobbi joe is going to get it though, she'll spend it all on drugs" lol.
Aunt bobbo is a bimbo and made her gross kids have no christmas even though she got over 1,000$ that she spent all on drugs. I'd love to see them as teenagers.
Aunt Dianne also said "the reason I want you to get a car is because after Grandma smashes this one up she's not getting a new one" and mom laughed as did I. "What makes you think she's going to smash this one up?" Mom asked. "She's reckless!"
I don't know, then they were talking about Gammy Rella's driving and it was amusing to hear my 82 year old grandma called reckless. She drives right out in front of people, she's craaaaaaaaazy.......lol
I got kinda sad when mom was in the store cause I asked aunt Dianne what grandma would do with 33,000$ (Uncle billy is giving his share to her cause he's a ;rich drunk and aunt dianne says it's because he wants to be able to say "I did this and that for g randma", Aunt Dianne is Grandma's Daughter....aka, my grandma's sister. But Nonnie is deceased)She said Pay off her bills and her funeral expenses because she was worried about that, not wanting to leave Aunt Dianne having to pay it. That made me kinda sad. I don't want to think of Gammy Rella Dying. Ah...She's done alot for us ever since I can remember, I mean sure she's old fashioned and stressy and sometimes kinda "snotty"...but I mean, she's 82, she just doesn't understand how much has changed. She gets stressed so easily.....I would too though. Ahh........The world would just be so fucked up, and mom..ah...I know that she's going to die someday, and that really sucks. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I've never fought or argued with her or anything, so, I'm glad I haven't caused her any stress. Etc.
I'm never having kids.
Mom asked what I wanted for Christmas. Lol. CORSET MOM CORSET.
Well well, I need to be going now. I told mom I'd clean the living room. I also have to take a walk to the POST OFFICE because a certain Lio is getting a certain project. Certainly!