(no subject)
so, here's what's been going on. i haven't really told anyone about it, and i need to get it out.
i relapsed. it started with a drink, and now i've been using for about two weeks. i'm getting suboxone on monday so i can quit.
before this, though, i met a boy. an amazing boy who i really, really like. his name is josh. we met through a mutual friend and hit it off, clicked really well. he had a girlfriend when we met, but was just about to break up with her. i didn't really care, i liked him but wasn't expecting anything... then, he broke up with her. the minute that he got her to leave his house, he called me. i was the first person he called.
we hung out every day since then, and we used together a few times. i know, i know, it's fucked... but the way we were together, like, the feelings i have for him already, damn... i haven't felt this way about anyone since i first started dating geoff. i feel like i've known josh forever. like, we're a pretty fucking cute couple, we can sit and talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say.
i'm head over heels for this fucking kid already, and only a few days into our relationship, he told me he felt the same way. he said, 'i know this sounds weird, and you don't have to say anything back, but i feel like i'm falling in love with you.' and i said to him, 'i know the feeling, but it's just because this is something new and exciting, and you haven't been in a relationship with someone who you're actually, truly compatable with. let's just see how it goes.' so we did.
yesterday, he decided that we should break up. he said to me that maybe we should just be friends for now, until we're sober, and see how things work out after that. i was pretty devastated. i know the relationship is so young, but it feels like... i don't know. i can't describe it. i know i'm not crazy. we care for eachother, and i understand where he's coming from. we moved pretty fast. but it felt right.
today i hung out with him, and we just walked around a park and talked for a while. i told him this feels weird. i keep calling him honey and sweety and baby out of habit, and i apologize every time, but he said it doesn't bug him. he told me he cares for me and that we're still 'exclusive'. then, when i dropped him off, he kissed me. it feels so right when he kisses me. you know when you first kiss someone, and you don't get the rhythm right, or it just feels off? that never happened with us. our kisses match up perfectly. i thought, oh it's just out of habit. but, then when i was driving off, he stopped me and kissed me again. that's the one that sucked. i want to be able to kiss him and spend the night at his house, and sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes, and play with our puppy, and cuddle in bed, and have amazing sex, and tell secrets again.
whenever i get a text, my heart skips a beat because i hope it's him. that sounds like, totally obsessive and creepy, right? i know it does. i hate it.
so... we're friends. we're friends who kiss when they say goodbye to eachother. we're friends who are 'exclusive'. i'm not going to chase him around. if it doesn't work because of this or that, then that's fine... but i really hope it works. the butterflies i get in my stomach when i see him smile, and the way his heart beats when he's falling asleep, our matching kisses and the way he laughs at my stupid jokes... i want that all back.
that's what's happening right now.
i relapsed. it started with a drink, and now i've been using for about two weeks. i'm getting suboxone on monday so i can quit.
before this, though, i met a boy. an amazing boy who i really, really like. his name is josh. we met through a mutual friend and hit it off, clicked really well. he had a girlfriend when we met, but was just about to break up with her. i didn't really care, i liked him but wasn't expecting anything... then, he broke up with her. the minute that he got her to leave his house, he called me. i was the first person he called.
we hung out every day since then, and we used together a few times. i know, i know, it's fucked... but the way we were together, like, the feelings i have for him already, damn... i haven't felt this way about anyone since i first started dating geoff. i feel like i've known josh forever. like, we're a pretty fucking cute couple, we can sit and talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say.
i'm head over heels for this fucking kid already, and only a few days into our relationship, he told me he felt the same way. he said, 'i know this sounds weird, and you don't have to say anything back, but i feel like i'm falling in love with you.' and i said to him, 'i know the feeling, but it's just because this is something new and exciting, and you haven't been in a relationship with someone who you're actually, truly compatable with. let's just see how it goes.' so we did.
yesterday, he decided that we should break up. he said to me that maybe we should just be friends for now, until we're sober, and see how things work out after that. i was pretty devastated. i know the relationship is so young, but it feels like... i don't know. i can't describe it. i know i'm not crazy. we care for eachother, and i understand where he's coming from. we moved pretty fast. but it felt right.
today i hung out with him, and we just walked around a park and talked for a while. i told him this feels weird. i keep calling him honey and sweety and baby out of habit, and i apologize every time, but he said it doesn't bug him. he told me he cares for me and that we're still 'exclusive'. then, when i dropped him off, he kissed me. it feels so right when he kisses me. you know when you first kiss someone, and you don't get the rhythm right, or it just feels off? that never happened with us. our kisses match up perfectly. i thought, oh it's just out of habit. but, then when i was driving off, he stopped me and kissed me again. that's the one that sucked. i want to be able to kiss him and spend the night at his house, and sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes, and play with our puppy, and cuddle in bed, and have amazing sex, and tell secrets again.
whenever i get a text, my heart skips a beat because i hope it's him. that sounds like, totally obsessive and creepy, right? i know it does. i hate it.
so... we're friends. we're friends who kiss when they say goodbye to eachother. we're friends who are 'exclusive'. i'm not going to chase him around. if it doesn't work because of this or that, then that's fine... but i really hope it works. the butterflies i get in my stomach when i see him smile, and the way his heart beats when he's falling asleep, our matching kisses and the way he laughs at my stupid jokes... i want that all back.
that's what's happening right now.