(no subject)
My thanksgiving was lonely and I hated it. Thanksgiving meal with the family just seemed awkward, it was just weird without him there talking to everyone and making good conversation.
No decorations for Christmas anymore, he always did that. I would help him occasionally while he was doing it. I don't even really care it's going to be Christmas this year. I don't want anything.
I just want a time machine, want to rewind to my Thanksgiving/Christmas of 06, and repeat them every single time these holidays come around. It's just insane to know his body was filled with cancer and nobody had any idea, when they found it, it had been in his body for over a year. Stupid fucking doctors, how could you not know? if they would have found it around Christmas instead of spring break 07, he would still be alive and making me laugh and taking care of me and hugging me and talking to me about everything and telling me he loved me every night before I went to sleep. I don't even know what to write in here anymore, it all seems the same. I just miss him so fucking much. I've never missed someone like this, and to know I'll never see him again makes it hurt so much more.
Fuck. I hate holding this in, I hate pretending I'm fine, I hate getting drunk 3 times a week to make it go away.
No decorations for Christmas anymore, he always did that. I would help him occasionally while he was doing it. I don't even really care it's going to be Christmas this year. I don't want anything.
I just want a time machine, want to rewind to my Thanksgiving/Christmas of 06, and repeat them every single time these holidays come around. It's just insane to know his body was filled with cancer and nobody had any idea, when they found it, it had been in his body for over a year. Stupid fucking doctors, how could you not know? if they would have found it around Christmas instead of spring break 07, he would still be alive and making me laugh and taking care of me and hugging me and talking to me about everything and telling me he loved me every night before I went to sleep. I don't even know what to write in here anymore, it all seems the same. I just miss him so fucking much. I've never missed someone like this, and to know I'll never see him again makes it hurt so much more.
Fuck. I hate holding this in, I hate pretending I'm fine, I hate getting drunk 3 times a week to make it go away.