(no subject)
I keep thinking about it. Breaking up. I think..just with all the time I have to just sit and think - because I'm putting off studying - I've been analyzing it too much. I like what I have right now..but sometimes I just feel like it isn't worth it. He's amazing, but everything amazing about him brings out my own insecurities and I don't like feeling like I'm..not good enough. Everyone else made me feel like I owned the world and that I was perfect. I don't know. Maybe I'm really not mature enough for this yet. I feel like I just need someone who will keep up the romantics after the just-dating part where that's required. After it's official.. Yeah. It just kind of dies down. I miss the cute little things. I miss having someone drive up just to have dinner with me. Or picking me up and insisting that he get to introduce me to his friends. Or making care packages for me whenever I said I was low on stuff in my dorm.
Come to think of it, he never did any of that. He was never really sweet and romantic and he never had to try to sweep me off my feet. He's done one cute thing this entire time, I think, and that was a late Valentine's Day present he left on my desk. Other than that.. It's always me going over to his dorm to hang out, or us grabbing lunch when he's free, or me hanging out with his friends. Even for my birthday dinner, it felt like I was kind of forcing him to go against his will. When Stephen called me to say, "Happy birthday," he handed the phone to his roommate, too, and Momota told me that he had already told Stephen he could've done better. I tried to be the cool girlfriend and say that Stephen probably couldn't get in the building anyways and it was okay, but Momota said Stephen could've done it if he wanted to.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't really love me or miss me. He just wants the physical. And, I mean, if he does only want the physical, he should just tell me. I'd rather not be listening to someone say, "I love you," when it's just a front. He only says sweet or romantic things when we're doing something physical. "You're amazing...I don't ever want to lose you...You're beautiful." Bullshit. I really just want to call bullshit when he says that kind of stuff. He told me he loved me one time, and I told him it was a lie. He asked why. I told him because he doesn't miss me as a person but just me as a body. Perfect time for him to stick in a cute line to ease all my worries, right? Well, he failed there.
He's perfect on paper, though. I mean.. He's doing great in school, he's done an externship, he landed a great internship, he has a steady summer job to go back to.. What do I have to offer? So I'm in a few clubs and I'm taking a few harder classes. My GPA is shot to hell and my undergrad resume is going to suck ass. I don't know. I feel really inadequate when I think about all of that. I can't escape it though, because if it's not him reminding me of it, it's everyone else at this school. I used to love how great he was doing - I'm still so proud of him and I do support him in everything - and I used to try to use it as motivation..but now it's just making me feel more and more behind everyone else here. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I feel like..I'm never going to be any competition for anyone else here or out in the world. There's always the "But you got into Berkeley!" mentality, but I can only lie to myself so much. I went to a shit high school. That's the only reason I had the GPA to get in here.
I don't know why I'm suddenly so unhappy with everything about us. Nothing's changed. I used to love it. I don't know what's going on with me. I want to tell myself it's just stress and that it'll all be okay when finals are over.. But part of it is not seeing him everyday like I did during semester. And this summer.. We're never going to see each other. He has work everyday and I have school everyday and it's just going to be one of those situations where we really have to go out of our way to see each other. I'm willing to put my time and energy into something like that only if I get the same dedication in response. With him, though, I feel like he's going to be too lazy to do the same. It's not his fault, though, since it's going to take a lot of work with everything the two of us have going on.
It probably doesn't help that Mike's back in my life, and he and Ken are still being so sweet to me. Both of them text me before and after each final I have just to wish me luck and ask how it went. Stephen does, too, I guess, but the fact that the other two aren't obligated to do it.. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just fucked right now. I told Stephen I didn't believe in relationships where one was already planning on dumping the other at a certain time or benchmark... But I don't know. Everytime I see him, I promise myself I'll talk to him about this stuff, but I can't bring myself to bring it up. I'm such a coward. I just need to man up and either tell him what's bugging me or just break up with him. Staying with him.. I feel like I'm just blocking him from something better. :/
Come to think of it, he never did any of that. He was never really sweet and romantic and he never had to try to sweep me off my feet. He's done one cute thing this entire time, I think, and that was a late Valentine's Day present he left on my desk. Other than that.. It's always me going over to his dorm to hang out, or us grabbing lunch when he's free, or me hanging out with his friends. Even for my birthday dinner, it felt like I was kind of forcing him to go against his will. When Stephen called me to say, "Happy birthday," he handed the phone to his roommate, too, and Momota told me that he had already told Stephen he could've done better. I tried to be the cool girlfriend and say that Stephen probably couldn't get in the building anyways and it was okay, but Momota said Stephen could've done it if he wanted to.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't really love me or miss me. He just wants the physical. And, I mean, if he does only want the physical, he should just tell me. I'd rather not be listening to someone say, "I love you," when it's just a front. He only says sweet or romantic things when we're doing something physical. "You're amazing...I don't ever want to lose you...You're beautiful." Bullshit. I really just want to call bullshit when he says that kind of stuff. He told me he loved me one time, and I told him it was a lie. He asked why. I told him because he doesn't miss me as a person but just me as a body. Perfect time for him to stick in a cute line to ease all my worries, right? Well, he failed there.
He's perfect on paper, though. I mean.. He's doing great in school, he's done an externship, he landed a great internship, he has a steady summer job to go back to.. What do I have to offer? So I'm in a few clubs and I'm taking a few harder classes. My GPA is shot to hell and my undergrad resume is going to suck ass. I don't know. I feel really inadequate when I think about all of that. I can't escape it though, because if it's not him reminding me of it, it's everyone else at this school. I used to love how great he was doing - I'm still so proud of him and I do support him in everything - and I used to try to use it as motivation..but now it's just making me feel more and more behind everyone else here. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I feel like..I'm never going to be any competition for anyone else here or out in the world. There's always the "But you got into Berkeley!" mentality, but I can only lie to myself so much. I went to a shit high school. That's the only reason I had the GPA to get in here.
I don't know why I'm suddenly so unhappy with everything about us. Nothing's changed. I used to love it. I don't know what's going on with me. I want to tell myself it's just stress and that it'll all be okay when finals are over.. But part of it is not seeing him everyday like I did during semester. And this summer.. We're never going to see each other. He has work everyday and I have school everyday and it's just going to be one of those situations where we really have to go out of our way to see each other. I'm willing to put my time and energy into something like that only if I get the same dedication in response. With him, though, I feel like he's going to be too lazy to do the same. It's not his fault, though, since it's going to take a lot of work with everything the two of us have going on.
It probably doesn't help that Mike's back in my life, and he and Ken are still being so sweet to me. Both of them text me before and after each final I have just to wish me luck and ask how it went. Stephen does, too, I guess, but the fact that the other two aren't obligated to do it.. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just fucked right now. I told Stephen I didn't believe in relationships where one was already planning on dumping the other at a certain time or benchmark... But I don't know. Everytime I see him, I promise myself I'll talk to him about this stuff, but I can't bring myself to bring it up. I'm such a coward. I just need to man up and either tell him what's bugging me or just break up with him. Staying with him.. I feel like I'm just blocking him from something better. :/