(no subject)
I haven't been keeping up on here. It's mostly been on my Xanga (I know..lame that I still have one, right?), but I wanted to write here because.. Well.. I keep reading people's stuff, and offering nothing in return. I'm pretty sure no one will want to read this/finish reading it all the way through, but here's a post anyways.
I saw myself being able to commit myself to two guys in my life. One cut me off once he found out I liked him; I was a girl of convenience for him, and he only reached back into my life when he found himself alone. The other is still one of my best guy friends, but there's simply too much drama between our lives for anything to happen, not to mention his feelings for me disappeared before I realized how much I needed him in my life. There were two guys I could see myself being in a serious relationship with, and it fell through both times. Other than those two times, I've been dramatically afraid of commitment. I would date a guy for a while unofficially and be perfectly happy, but once he tried to make it serious, I'd run.
We met a few summers ago at RYLA (a leadership camp for high school students through Interact/Rotary). It was the summer before senior year. I remember thinking he was really cute.. but short. He tells me he thought I was attractive back then, but I still call BS since he went into camp with a crush on one of our other friends. We kept in contact for a little bit after camp, like everyone else, and then faded out. We hardly talked except for the occassional IM or Myspace (FB wasn't big yet) comment. Spring of senior year, everyone started finding out where they had been accepted, and asking around who was going where. I found a group of Berkeley-bound RYLA kids and we started talking again - Stephen wasn't even part of that group, I think, even though he was going to Berkeley.
I don't really know why we started hanging out so much at Berkeley. It might have been after the first football game, but I don't even know. We started hanging out casually with friends, and he and I went in a group to our first AAA/ABA Mixer at the DU house. After the mixer ended, a failed walk to 7-11, and a trip to Top Dog, I went back to his dorm with his roommates to hang out. I spent the night, and to this day I don't remember why. I might've just been tired, but I'm not one to just crash at a guy friend's dorm. Anyways, I slept with him on his bed, still in my street clothes and totally worn out from the night. I found out, as time went on, that he wakes up really early whenever we sleep together. The morning following that wasn't an exception. He woke up really early and I think I was half awake, if even that. This next bit is his story:
He woke up and saw me sleeping next to him. He got an "urge" and kissed me. Apparently, I didn't kiss him back. That kind of worried him, but my reasoning now is that I was probably still sleeping. I think I woke up after his kiss, though, and kissed him back, so he wasn't worried for too long.
Anyways, I liked him then, but I still wasn't looking for anything serious. I was still kind of hung up on Mike at that point. Mike had just gone away, I think, and I was still hoping we could be something once he got out. Stephen and I started hanging out more, though, and eventually ended up being hook up/make out buddies, almost. It's kind of a sad start to a relationship, now that I think about it. He asked me once why I was comfortable doing physical things with him when we weren't together. I don't remember my exact reasoning, but it had something to do with me feeling comfortable around him in general. There was something calming and non-pressuring (that sounds awkward..) about him that just made me feel at ease.
But anyways, I stopped letting myself think it was just physical. I liked having him around. I liked to just nuzzle in his neck and take in his scent. I loved when we would grab food together. I liked running into him on campus walking home or to class together. I looked forward to going over to watch Heroes every thursday night on his computer. I found myself thinking about him when we weren't together. It was the typical crush sort of thing.. But I felt completely comfortable. There were no butterflies in my stomach - just smiles on my face. I wasn't nervous about liking him, because he had already started telling me how beautiful I was to him and asking if I was his. I avoided this questions about whether I was "his" or not. I wasn't sure if I was even over Mike yet.. I didn't want to say anything.
It wasn't until months in that I told him I wanted to be in a relationship with him. A real relationship. He had had a girlfriend before, but, as many of you know, I've always avoided any sort of official status. We never remembered what day that was, so we picked an arbitrary date: the day after his birthday. It was sometime during that week, I think, but I figured it'd be easy to remember if it was the day after his birthday. ;]
So, a few months later, when I would've bolted already in the past, I'm still perfectly happy. Sometimes I sit and think, though, why it was him that made me settle down. Why did it only take a kiss to make me overcome my fear of commitment? Sometimes I come to the conclusion that it's because he's different then the other guys I've dated. They ranged from punk to jock to "aZn" to gangster to dealer to party boy, if I had to fit them all into stereotypes. This one, Stephen, was the good boy. One of the most straight-edge boys our age I've ever met. It was the fact that he knew what he was doing and where he was going.. It was the fact that although he could act like a kid, he was still so mature. Even the guys that I've dated that were older than me - Mike and Ken - were still stuck in the "I want to party and not have any responsibilities" phase. I needed someone who could motivate me and was willing to help me study, not someone who just wanted to take me out to clubs and parties. Those other guys were fun, yeah, but Stephen is stability, and that's what I need in my life.
Take his straight-edge-ness to the other extreme..and sometimes I get bored. I miss going out sometimes. I miss having someone take me out to eat just because he missed me. I miss the excitement of doing something new and out-of-the-routine. Ken opened me to a whole new world of partying; Mike did the small things to show me life, like making me ride every roller coaster in GA. I feel like.. Stephen can be too much of a home body sometimes. I really can't complain, though. If I say I'm going out and invite him, he's always game to go. He just doesn't know what to do on his own, I guess. I have to find something to do, but he's always willing to do anything. If I don't extend an invitation, he just lets me go. He'll text me throughout the night to check up on me, but he lets me go out with whoever I want. He trusts me, as he should, and I guess that voids my irk about him not going out because that doesn't hinder me at all. Most of the time now it's just me feeling bad for ditching him to go out with my guyfriends.
I don't know what the point of this entry is. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. It's not surprising to me that I love him - I've loved before - but it's the fact that I'm not afraid of that love that makes this new to me. It's so amazing and new, but puzzling, too. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't love him, but I really don't know why.. And I'd like to. I make up a bunch of theories, but then think back and disturst that such a reason could really have been what changed me.
Disclaimer: Mushy romantics and confusion.
I saw myself being able to commit myself to two guys in my life. One cut me off once he found out I liked him; I was a girl of convenience for him, and he only reached back into my life when he found himself alone. The other is still one of my best guy friends, but there's simply too much drama between our lives for anything to happen, not to mention his feelings for me disappeared before I realized how much I needed him in my life. There were two guys I could see myself being in a serious relationship with, and it fell through both times. Other than those two times, I've been dramatically afraid of commitment. I would date a guy for a while unofficially and be perfectly happy, but once he tried to make it serious, I'd run.
We met a few summers ago at RYLA (a leadership camp for high school students through Interact/Rotary). It was the summer before senior year. I remember thinking he was really cute.. but short. He tells me he thought I was attractive back then, but I still call BS since he went into camp with a crush on one of our other friends. We kept in contact for a little bit after camp, like everyone else, and then faded out. We hardly talked except for the occassional IM or Myspace (FB wasn't big yet) comment. Spring of senior year, everyone started finding out where they had been accepted, and asking around who was going where. I found a group of Berkeley-bound RYLA kids and we started talking again - Stephen wasn't even part of that group, I think, even though he was going to Berkeley.
I don't really know why we started hanging out so much at Berkeley. It might have been after the first football game, but I don't even know. We started hanging out casually with friends, and he and I went in a group to our first AAA/ABA Mixer at the DU house. After the mixer ended, a failed walk to 7-11, and a trip to Top Dog, I went back to his dorm with his roommates to hang out. I spent the night, and to this day I don't remember why. I might've just been tired, but I'm not one to just crash at a guy friend's dorm. Anyways, I slept with him on his bed, still in my street clothes and totally worn out from the night. I found out, as time went on, that he wakes up really early whenever we sleep together. The morning following that wasn't an exception. He woke up really early and I think I was half awake, if even that. This next bit is his story:
He woke up and saw me sleeping next to him. He got an "urge" and kissed me. Apparently, I didn't kiss him back. That kind of worried him, but my reasoning now is that I was probably still sleeping. I think I woke up after his kiss, though, and kissed him back, so he wasn't worried for too long.
Anyways, I liked him then, but I still wasn't looking for anything serious. I was still kind of hung up on Mike at that point. Mike had just gone away, I think, and I was still hoping we could be something once he got out. Stephen and I started hanging out more, though, and eventually ended up being hook up/make out buddies, almost. It's kind of a sad start to a relationship, now that I think about it. He asked me once why I was comfortable doing physical things with him when we weren't together. I don't remember my exact reasoning, but it had something to do with me feeling comfortable around him in general. There was something calming and non-pressuring (that sounds awkward..) about him that just made me feel at ease.
But anyways, I stopped letting myself think it was just physical. I liked having him around. I liked to just nuzzle in his neck and take in his scent. I loved when we would grab food together. I liked running into him on campus walking home or to class together. I looked forward to going over to watch Heroes every thursday night on his computer. I found myself thinking about him when we weren't together. It was the typical crush sort of thing.. But I felt completely comfortable. There were no butterflies in my stomach - just smiles on my face. I wasn't nervous about liking him, because he had already started telling me how beautiful I was to him and asking if I was his. I avoided this questions about whether I was "his" or not. I wasn't sure if I was even over Mike yet.. I didn't want to say anything.
It wasn't until months in that I told him I wanted to be in a relationship with him. A real relationship. He had had a girlfriend before, but, as many of you know, I've always avoided any sort of official status. We never remembered what day that was, so we picked an arbitrary date: the day after his birthday. It was sometime during that week, I think, but I figured it'd be easy to remember if it was the day after his birthday. ;]
So, a few months later, when I would've bolted already in the past, I'm still perfectly happy. Sometimes I sit and think, though, why it was him that made me settle down. Why did it only take a kiss to make me overcome my fear of commitment? Sometimes I come to the conclusion that it's because he's different then the other guys I've dated. They ranged from punk to jock to "aZn" to gangster to dealer to party boy, if I had to fit them all into stereotypes. This one, Stephen, was the good boy. One of the most straight-edge boys our age I've ever met. It was the fact that he knew what he was doing and where he was going.. It was the fact that although he could act like a kid, he was still so mature. Even the guys that I've dated that were older than me - Mike and Ken - were still stuck in the "I want to party and not have any responsibilities" phase. I needed someone who could motivate me and was willing to help me study, not someone who just wanted to take me out to clubs and parties. Those other guys were fun, yeah, but Stephen is stability, and that's what I need in my life.
Take his straight-edge-ness to the other extreme..and sometimes I get bored. I miss going out sometimes. I miss having someone take me out to eat just because he missed me. I miss the excitement of doing something new and out-of-the-routine. Ken opened me to a whole new world of partying; Mike did the small things to show me life, like making me ride every roller coaster in GA. I feel like.. Stephen can be too much of a home body sometimes. I really can't complain, though. If I say I'm going out and invite him, he's always game to go. He just doesn't know what to do on his own, I guess. I have to find something to do, but he's always willing to do anything. If I don't extend an invitation, he just lets me go. He'll text me throughout the night to check up on me, but he lets me go out with whoever I want. He trusts me, as he should, and I guess that voids my irk about him not going out because that doesn't hinder me at all. Most of the time now it's just me feeling bad for ditching him to go out with my guyfriends.
I don't know what the point of this entry is. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. It's not surprising to me that I love him - I've loved before - but it's the fact that I'm not afraid of that love that makes this new to me. It's so amazing and new, but puzzling, too. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't love him, but I really don't know why.. And I'd like to. I make up a bunch of theories, but then think back and disturst that such a reason could really have been what changed me.
Disclaimer: Mushy romantics and confusion.