(no subject)
''A simple story of love, lust, sluts and rattlesnakes.''
5 Stars - The Daily Star
''An absolute tour de force'' says Reader's Wives
''7 out of 10. Could have done with some haddock'' - Fishermans Weekly
Nigel was a young bear in the prime of his life. He had it all - fast car, good job, average sized penis, his favourite issue of Playboy (June 1992) lamenated. Oh yeah. He was living the high life.
Then he fell in love with Mindy Shoehorn, who was renowned for being the local bike. Even the vicar had had a go. Anyway, Nigel was blinded by love and Mindy Shoehorn's huge rack, and quickly proposed being the idiot he so obviously is.
For the first time in her lonely, misunderstood life Mindy Shoehorn felt truely loved and needed. It felt nice. Like rice pudding running down your gullet on a warm summers eve.
Still, that didn't stop her shagging Andy, Nigel's long lost half brother with a larger penis, while Nigel was at work.
(X-rated)
(shaky porn cam)
Like everybody in that God-foresaken Australian daytime soap Neighbours, Mindy Shoehorn didn't lock her door. If you're going to be a promiscuous skank you lock your door right? Surely that's like, the first and most important rule? Well Mindy Shoehorn was dumb as well as a whore, so Nigel walked in and caught them.
>next picture repeated because I accidently deleted the proper one and didn't realise. It would have been the best photo you'd even seen too<
They had a massive arguement, naturally, while Andy still lay in Nigel's bed and finished himself off by looking at Mindy Shoehorn's buttocks
YOU SUCK IN BED. AND NOT IN THE GOOD WAY.
(That's what Mindy Shoehorn shouted at Nigel. I wasn't talking to you, dear reader. I'm sure you're sexual dynamite and have excellent suction.)
Nigel was heart broken, so went to the shady backstreet brothel he used to frequent before he fell in love, and drank too many giant bottles of cola and fell asleep in his own vomit surrounded by cheap, soiled hookers.
That's what happens to your sorry ass if you make the mistake of falling in love.
Mindy Shoehorn felt guilty. She wanted Nigel. She'd also just wanted some good sex (because she's slutty). She went to see if Andy could help her get Nigel back..
Andy was a mildly successful chef (only three fatalities.. four if you count that old woman, but Andy doesn't, because it was clearly her time to go). He specialised in fried eggs, which explains that there egg perfectly. It's not a spare piece of Haribo I just wanted to use in a scene.
But you don't need me to tell you that pretty soon they were banging each others brains out. I'm the narrator though, that's my job, so I will;
Pretty soon they were banging each others brains out. Because she's easy.
xfinitx
Moral of the story? WEAR A CONDOM YOU GODDAMN HIPPIES
Fuck you later