(no subject)
sometimes pictures, lighten the mood.
this is going to be a confusing entry.
so heres a bit of a backround: as some of you may or not know, my mother killed herself about a year and a half ago, i did not live with her, i haven't lived with her since i was about two years old, but the holidays, were always spent with her.
sometimes, i ask myself, " why? "
others i tell myself, soon or a later, i'll be with her.
i don't believe in god, now, i don't mean that to offend those of you who do, and i can't really say i don't believe in him, i just, i don't really know.
i don't believe in god, because i don't believe in heaven, or hell.
and i don't believe in heaven or hell, because it's easier if i just don't believe, that way, in my eyes, she didn't go there. and to get to my point, therefore, it's harder to celebrate christmas.
she shouldn't have, she didn't deserve to.
i love the holidays, i love the holidays, let me keep telling myself.
lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
christmases, were always eventful when i was younger.
3 of us, running around.
as we waited for the people from the salvation army to deliver our christmas dinner, we weren't very wealthy.
ray would always sing stupid christmas songs, and jen thought she was mariah carey, and i, i just snuggled my lamb chop, and wondered what went on.
then she left.
and the christmas spirit died.
i'm sitting back now, wondering, if life would be better/worse, if i wasn't where i am now.
i live for her, i live for what she could've been.
i love her, i hate her.
i just want her to hold me again.
and sing me bob marley.
you know what would be wonderful.
is if, i had someone to spend christmas with, someone, to love, someone, to love me.
" she lived, happily, ever, after. "