(no subject)
been thinking all day to perfectly describe whats going on.
but its hard.
so im going to wing it.
i dont know if im cold or hot. i dont know what to do with myself. the flashes of lightning through my head are increasing more and more like when women are in labor. im numb from the neck up. im sweating. im dizzy but i can see fine. laying down makes me feel closer to being dead than standing. my eyes are bloodshot to the extent that they are almost pure red. they are watering. there are certain periods of 5-11 minutes where i cannot control one of my body parts or maybe all of my body. i get the feeling of my foot is asleep in my whole chest. it feels like if i move my head back it will crack off.
my thoughts are racing and it feels like the internal part of my head has a pulse. i cant stop having flashbacks. ill twitch so suddenly that i will fall of the chair. i think im dying. and right now im in so much undescribable pain i wish it would just happen.
i cant take this anymore.
and i wont miss anybody.
god my head.
i dont miss xeno for the first time because its like cutting im focusing on the physical pain. i want to get high like it will make this better but i have needles going through my ears. i want complete silence but its impossible when patrick is crying and i dont have the energy or the capability to get up and help him.
i really truly wont give a damn about a soul if i die right now.
and as record for my "will." i want all my money everything that is mine to go to patrick. and nobody else can touch it. fuck everybody else. i hope i die so you all feel horrible about yourselves and you cry and scream and hate the world. i hope you feel like its your fault and your mistake and i hope that when youre off modeling it will make you sick because that what was keeping you from saving my life. i hope you come home to find me dead on the kitchen floor and you kill yourself and your body falls on mine.
i hope the living will be filled with such regret that they think of nothing else but my life wasted. all their answers for their math tests will be im sorry jack. im sorry i didnt care. im sorry i left you alone and left you to face your greatest fear because im selfish. and i leave you with no name just a pile of worthless addicting puns.
jack, im sorry i let you die alone.
but its hard.
so im going to wing it.
i dont know if im cold or hot. i dont know what to do with myself. the flashes of lightning through my head are increasing more and more like when women are in labor. im numb from the neck up. im sweating. im dizzy but i can see fine. laying down makes me feel closer to being dead than standing. my eyes are bloodshot to the extent that they are almost pure red. they are watering. there are certain periods of 5-11 minutes where i cannot control one of my body parts or maybe all of my body. i get the feeling of my foot is asleep in my whole chest. it feels like if i move my head back it will crack off.
my thoughts are racing and it feels like the internal part of my head has a pulse. i cant stop having flashbacks. ill twitch so suddenly that i will fall of the chair. i think im dying. and right now im in so much undescribable pain i wish it would just happen.
i cant take this anymore.
and i wont miss anybody.
god my head.
i dont miss xeno for the first time because its like cutting im focusing on the physical pain. i want to get high like it will make this better but i have needles going through my ears. i want complete silence but its impossible when patrick is crying and i dont have the energy or the capability to get up and help him.
i really truly wont give a damn about a soul if i die right now.
and as record for my "will." i want all my money everything that is mine to go to patrick. and nobody else can touch it. fuck everybody else. i hope i die so you all feel horrible about yourselves and you cry and scream and hate the world. i hope you feel like its your fault and your mistake and i hope that when youre off modeling it will make you sick because that what was keeping you from saving my life. i hope you come home to find me dead on the kitchen floor and you kill yourself and your body falls on mine.
i hope the living will be filled with such regret that they think of nothing else but my life wasted. all their answers for their math tests will be im sorry jack. im sorry i didnt care. im sorry i left you alone and left you to face your greatest fear because im selfish. and i leave you with no name just a pile of worthless addicting puns.
jack, im sorry i let you die alone.