You know what? I was thinking about you the other night. It was instense. A lot of thoughts. About the whole being mad thing: it's cool. I suppose it's human nature to get mad and do things we wouldn't normally do, under the circumstances. I admit that I did/am doing the same thing. I don't think I'll ever "get over you". It's hard. It's really hard. I didn't fall in love fast... I don't think? But even if I did, and if I am in love with him, it isn't mutual. He hurt me and he doesn't even give a shit. No one here gives a shit about me or anything I do or say. So, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. Not a week goes by that I don't think about what I did. How I was superly jelous, controlling, bitchy, all of it. I admit it Jake. I was wrong. I'm almost always wrong. And words cannot express how truly sorry I am. But I realized that I was the problem in our relationship, and after thinking about "us" for a very long time, and now I know. I know you deserve better than me and you always have. I'm so insecure about everything now, ever since I moved. And you aren't. You never got jelous, you were never controlling, never bitchy. I'm the one who always starting our arguements. And I'm sorry. I really loved you. I really love you. How could I not after this? (An old entry)
I loved Jacob more than anyone in this world. He was not only my soul mate and fiancé, but he was also one of my best friends. He has this sacred place in my heart that no one else can ever fill. I will never forget him, I will always remember, and not a day goes by that I don’t cry about it. I didn’t want to see him give up his future plans and dreams. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he wanted to give it up to move to Arkansas to be with me. It would be my fault. I was so afraid to love him. I didn’t want to be hurt. I couldn’t endure another broken heart. It seems like things happened so fast, so deep. I was fearful that this relationship was going to be another disappointment in the end. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared to leave him. I was scared of being abandoned myself. Scared because he might find someone who is better than me. I didn’t want him to live his life regretting he was with me instead of someone else. I don’t know what the fuck I did, or why the fuck I did it. What the hell I was thinking? He stays on my mind incessantly, and I can’t do anything without thinking about him. It seems every time I’ve got something going for me, I tend to ruin it. Once again, I’ve fucked things up for myself. The best thing to ever happen to me, is now over. It’s gone. I wish I could take it back. I’d give everything to be with him for one more hour of my life. I wouldn’t care if that one hour consisted of screaming, crying, physical pain, or silence even. Any hour with him would be my Heaven. I can’t bring myself to converse with him. I’m terrified. Frightened. He almost certainly hates me. He has every reason to. I definitely don’t expect for him to respond, comment, call, e-mail, or give any sign of forgiveness or reconciliation. I know I’d hate myself if I was in his situation. They were right: You don’t know what you got till it’s gone. And when it’s gone, you’ll never get it back. He’s never coming back. I wish I could pull together enough potency to tell him it was my fault; my mistake. I wish he could hear me. So many things remind me of him. A part of me is gone. I feel so empty without him in my life. I want to be the only hand he needs to hold on to. I miss him. *Cries*
Wow. That's freaking long, but it explains everything I've ever wanted to say to you. Guess I could've shortened it up a bit, but whateves. Um, I feel relieved and a bit awkward right now... So...? :/
ya know i never ended up reading that until now, im sorry for my angry tex msg there is no ecscuse for why i did it or what i said.I never really got why we would figth until now only sometimes i did get jelous. but i tried my best to hide it. every day i tell myself i stupid for what i wrote, and that if i could change the past i would. im so fucking stupid. i had something that was really good and i let it go someday i hope that we might be togheter again, well if im ever that lucky. you where the only girl i truely loved and cared for more than myself. someone who id put her before family. Just because ya know what i mean? Maybe im just crazy. please dont forget me and all the good times, and remember you allways have a spot in my heart and soul. Jake
We both should have said something to one another if we were having doubts or fears, jeleous feelings, ect. I thought about it, and in my opinion, it was the distance combined with our lack of communication that did us in. My conclusion: We are equally to blame for our relationship faults. But it's alright. At least we now realize what we both did wrong so we can fix it, and hopefully not make the same mistake in our next relationship(s).
I understand that you were pissed off that day, but why take it out on me? What did I do to make you hate me so much? After it ended, I wanted to be your friend. I don't hear from you, except a drunken phone call in August; then I receive a text saying you want nothing to do with me anymore. I ask for an explaination, and I read an LJ entry saying that I was a burden on your life. I never made you happy. I bitch too much. You cannot handle my shit anymore. What on earth did I do? Tell me. So I don't make the same mistake again with somebody else.
I will never forget the moments we had. We definitely shared some good times together. Meeting in choir, walking me to French class the last day of my freshman year, the e-mails, livejournal entries and letters we wrote to each other, the late night phone calls that lasted hours on end; spending an entire two weeks together: four-wheeling, taking pictures, smoking cigarettes and the Bob Marley, watching movies, kickn it with my crew at the party house, falling asleep together in each other's arms, an unofficial engagement. Those memories are some of the best I have, they will stick with me for the rest of my life and I promise I will never forget them.
You are an amazing person and I am very lucky to have known you. You made a difference in my life, and a gigantic impact on me. I thank you. I would really hate for it to end like that, and I really hope it doesn't. I'm not mad at you, or upset with you. I'm just hurt by your past words. That's all. I have a strong heart, and a hard head, I admit that. But I ask you again in hopes of a different response than the first: Jacob, can we still be friends? Because I would really love to be friends with you again. I don't feel as if there is a needed explaination for the last statement other than the fact you were my first love and you mean a lot to me, then and now.
I want to be able to call you up when I have a problem; I want to visit you, and not have it be awkward; I want to be able to send crazy letters and cards to each other again, just to make each other's day a little better; I want you to be the one who witnesses my graduation(s), my marriage(s), my child birth(s), my 100th birthday and my funeral; I want to know that you don't hate me and you still love me no matter the situation or circumstance.
I want you to be able to call me for advice; to visit me and it not feel awkward; I want to go to the mailbox and see something with your return address on it; I want to be there for your college graduation, your marriage, the birth of your children, your 100th birthday celebration and your funeral. You are my soulmate, and I want you to be the life-long friend that every person has. Call me crazy, but that would make me the happiest woman to have your friendship for the rest of my life, Jake.
Please, PLEASE answer to this: Will you be that somebody?
what i wrote in the most recent letter......._i__hate_meOctober 11 2005, 06:36:57 UTC
Ive always said it was our fault, but deep inside i can not belive i let you go.it may sound crazy for me to say that but its true.Im still very much in love with you, but i know that we will probly never have another realtionship again. I regret this everyday. sometimes i wish i could just say fuck it all and move far away, washingtons alright but its not the same without you. Yeah i have a kickass job but i realize that a job is just a job and you can always replace a job much easyer than replaceing some one you love. I wish that i could go back into time to your 9th grade year and relive the past few years. But i cant and never will be able to. Sometimes i want to just pic up the phone and call you and say robin i love you and always will. ( like i did in august) other times i want to just show up at your door and when you answer give you the bigest hug ever and beg for you back. Damn i love you. Well i feel ive made a big enough ass out of myself for now .
Thats what i wrote on friday when i started to think of you.... I watched wake me up when september ends today and it made me really sad. It also made me realize that i miss you alot. Im sorry for all the shit i put you threw like not callin when id say i would or not sending you letters. See deep down i thought that i could never lose you, but i was wrong and now you are gone. well i guess thats my fault. I think it would be cool if ya came to visit sometime, If i could chose for you to remember one thing it would be that no mater what ill always be here for you and love you robin. I hope you decide texas isnt what you want and that you would rather give some where else like her with me a try. or anywhere else as long as i can tag along. Ill give ya a call soon ~JakerZ~
Re: what i wrote in the most recent letter.......___ohhdearOctober 30 2005, 08:46:10 UTC
Robin,
It’s been a while since I have sat down and wrote you a letter. So I figured id Wright you. I m finally home from North Bend. It was cool but I am happy to be home. Oh I met one of your old friends at youth group. Her name was Anna. I am sorry if I am pissing you off by trying to get you back. I hope I am not. Did I tell you Kaila and I broke up? She realized that are relationship was not going to work because I am still in love with you. I have started to realize that nothing will probly ever happen between us again but I hope it will. I feel stupid for letting you go. Threw out are relationship I was always worried that you where gunna find someone better than me. I knew you loved and cared for me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me but I was always scared. I am not sure why. I realize now that I always put you last because of my job. Id never call or Wright because I was to busy. I am sorry for this. I am currently confused with my life. Im not sure what I want to do with it. What I do know is that I want you to be a part of it. I had a minor slip up with my drug habit. I ate 55 mushrooms. Last night. As I started to trip I freaked out and wanted to call you and tell you what I had done. But Robert wouldn’t let me. As my trip peaked I layed down and covered myself in a blanket and started to yell your name. Im not sure why but I think I wanted you to comfort me. We watched fear and loathing in Las Vegas and I thought I was gunna die. I started to cry, I really wanted to talk to you. I wish you would have been able to calm me down. After my trip started to go away I decided to walk to the 76 for a smoke I needed one badly. I got half way there and I saw a cop and started to run back to my uncle’s house. I swore the where after me. This morning I woke up and was really mad at myself for what I had done. Now I know I won’t slip up on my drug problem again. At least I hope not. Lately I have been thinking of you all the time. I can’t get you off my mind for some reason. I really hope that we can try and work things out. I hope to talk to you soon. But always remember you will always have someone who cares and loves you with all his heart.
I really am sorry if i made you mad or not want to talk to me any more . i was in another accident in my friend nicholes car its totaled i will call and explain ~jake
I loved Jacob more than anyone in this world. He was not only my soul mate and fiancé, but he was also one of my best friends. He has this sacred place in my heart that no one else can ever fill. I will never forget him, I will always remember, and not a day goes by that I don’t cry about it. I didn’t want to see him give up his future plans and dreams. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he wanted to give it up to move to Arkansas to be with me. It would be my fault. I was so afraid to love him. I didn’t want to be hurt. I couldn’t endure another broken heart. It seems like things happened so fast, so deep. I was fearful that this relationship was going to be another disappointment in the end. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared to leave him. I was scared of being abandoned myself. Scared because he might find someone who is better than me. I didn’t want him to live his life regretting he was with me instead of someone else. I don’t know what the fuck I did, or why the fuck I did it. What the hell I was thinking? He stays on my mind incessantly, and I can’t do anything without thinking about him. It seems every time I’ve got something going for me, I tend to ruin it. Once again, I’ve fucked things up for myself. The best thing to ever happen to me, is now over. It’s gone. I wish I could take it back. I’d give everything to be with him for one more hour of my life. I wouldn’t care if that one hour consisted of screaming, crying, physical pain, or silence even. Any hour with him would be my Heaven. I can’t bring myself to converse with him. I’m terrified. Frightened. He almost certainly hates me. He has every reason to. I definitely don’t expect for him to respond, comment, call, e-mail, or give any sign of forgiveness or reconciliation. I know I’d hate myself if I was in his situation. They were right: You don’t know what you got till it’s gone. And when it’s gone, you’ll never get it back. He’s never coming back. I wish I could pull together enough potency to tell him it was my fault; my mistake. I wish he could hear me. So many things remind me of him. A part of me is gone. I feel so empty without him in my life. I want to be the only hand he needs to hold on to. I miss him. *Cries*
Wow. That's freaking long, but it explains everything I've ever wanted to say to you. Guess I could've shortened it up a bit, but whateves. Um, I feel relieved and a bit awkward right now... So...? :/
Reply
Reply
I understand that you were pissed off that day, but why take it out on me? What did I do to make you hate me so much? After it ended, I wanted to be your friend. I don't hear from you, except a drunken phone call in August; then I receive a text saying you want nothing to do with me anymore. I ask for an explaination, and I read an LJ entry saying that I was a burden on your life. I never made you happy. I bitch too much. You cannot handle my shit anymore. What on earth did I do? Tell me. So I don't make the same mistake again with somebody else.
I will never forget the moments we had. We definitely shared some good times together. Meeting in choir, walking me to French class the last day of my freshman year, the e-mails, livejournal entries and letters we wrote to each other, the late night phone calls that lasted hours on end; spending an entire two weeks together: four-wheeling, taking pictures, smoking cigarettes and the Bob Marley, watching movies, kickn it with my crew at the party house, falling asleep together in each other's arms, an unofficial engagement. Those memories are some of the best I have, they will stick with me for the rest of my life and I promise I will never forget them.
You are an amazing person and I am very lucky to have known you. You made a difference in my life, and a gigantic impact on me. I thank you. I would really hate for it to end like that, and I really hope it doesn't. I'm not mad at you, or upset with you. I'm just hurt by your past words. That's all. I have a strong heart, and a hard head, I admit that. But I ask you again in hopes of a different response than the first: Jacob, can we still be friends? Because I would really love to be friends with you again. I don't feel as if there is a needed explaination for the last statement other than the fact you were my first love and you mean a lot to me, then and now.
I want to be able to call you up when I have a problem; I want to visit you, and not have it be awkward; I want to be able to send crazy letters and cards to each other again, just to make each other's day a little better; I want you to be the one who witnesses my graduation(s), my marriage(s), my child birth(s), my 100th birthday and my funeral; I want to know that you don't hate me and you still love me no matter the situation or circumstance.
I want you to be able to call me for advice; to visit me and it not feel awkward; I want to go to the mailbox and see something with your return address on it; I want to be there for your college graduation, your marriage, the birth of your children, your 100th birthday celebration and your funeral. You are my soulmate, and I want you to be the life-long friend that every person has. Call me crazy, but that would make me the happiest woman to have your friendship for the rest of my life, Jake.
Please, PLEASE answer to this: Will you be that somebody?
Reply
Thats what i wrote on friday when i started to think of you.... I watched wake me up when september ends today and it made me really sad. It also made me realize that i miss you alot. Im sorry for all the shit i put you threw like not callin when id say i would or not sending you letters. See deep down i thought that i could never lose you, but i was wrong and now you are gone. well i guess thats my fault. I think it would be cool if ya came to visit sometime, If i could chose for you to remember one thing it would be that no mater what ill always be here for you and love you robin. I hope you decide texas isnt what you want and that you would rather give some where else like her with me a try. or anywhere else as long as i can tag along. Ill give ya a call soon ~JakerZ~
Reply
It’s been a while since I have sat down and wrote you a letter. So I figured id Wright you. I m finally home from North Bend. It was cool but I am happy to be home. Oh I met one of your old friends at youth group. Her name was Anna. I am sorry if I am pissing you off by trying to get you back. I hope I am not. Did I tell you Kaila and I broke up? She realized that are relationship was not going to work because I am still in love with you. I have started to realize that nothing will probly ever happen between us again but I hope it will. I feel stupid for letting you go. Threw out are relationship I was always worried that you where gunna find someone better than me. I knew you loved and cared for me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me but I was always scared. I am not sure why. I realize now that I always put you last because of my job. Id never call or Wright because I was to busy. I am sorry for this. I am currently confused with my life. Im not sure what I want to do with it. What I do know is that I want you to be a part of it. I had a minor slip up with my drug habit. I ate 55 mushrooms. Last night. As I started to trip I freaked out and wanted to call you and tell you what I had done. But Robert wouldn’t let me. As my trip peaked I layed down and covered myself in a blanket and started to yell your name. Im not sure why but I think I wanted you to comfort me. We watched fear and loathing in Las Vegas and I thought I was gunna die. I started to cry, I really wanted to talk to you. I wish you would have been able to calm me down. After my trip started to go away I decided to walk to the 76 for a smoke I needed one badly. I got half way there and I saw a cop and started to run back to my uncle’s house. I swore the where after me. This morning I woke up and was really mad at myself for what I had done. Now I know I won’t slip up on my drug problem again. At least I hope not. Lately I have been thinking of you all the time. I can’t get you off my mind for some reason. I really hope that we can try and work things out. I hope to talk to you soon. But always remember you will always have someone who cares and loves you with all his heart.
Jacob l Callinsky
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