(no subject)

[___myillusion]

today.was wierd.i dont think i can even think
of any way to describe it, and no it did not
envolve drugs&alcohol. i have friends.and i am
thankful for that.but i dont have close friends.
yes,bri is my best friend.and then there are people
i hang out with frequently.but there arnt people i
can just talk to.i always feel weird just talking
to people.i feel artificial.like im trying to please
someone whoes not really real, but i try anyway.
i feel as though i can never really be me, afriad.
afraid of what or who i really am.im afraid of myself.
all these things i do.make me feel good, for short
periods of time.and i feel infinite for a little while.
though the feeling is artificial.i like it. cause i
forget about everything that makes me sad.
thats alot.

today steph told me the best thing.to just be honest.
even if its just with her,, cause she cares about what
i have to say. and honestly that is very comforting.
still i feel i cant be completley honest, cause i my
self cant even be honest with myself.i repress memories
and i pretend they never happened. i dont no why.i dont
want to beleive they happened.

im going to stop.cause non of this matters.