I Would Post This On Myspace But He Would See It
Its hard to for me to stand around and pretend that everything is okay. I am hanging off every single word that he says I am close to falling off my seat. My moods go back and forth because I never have total reassurance. I am spouse to never doubt that he does care and that we are extremely good friends but something drops in my stomach every time I think about our fling or whatever its called ending. I hate that I feel like I have so many more feelings invested in this and everything I want to say I know I shouldn’t. I want to be able to spill my guts and tell him everything I feel about him but already felt like I have said to much. This was spoused to be casual but its growing and growing. I wish I could pick out the absolute perfect words to say because when I am with him I am happier then I can remember being in a very long time. I am not saying I am in love but with ex boyfriend I thought it was love, I pushed myself so hard to paint a perfect picture and make myself believe that I was so in love but looking back I know I wasnt and it will be a very long time before I can ever say those three words to someone special. Anyways back to my point I am happier now then I ever was the ex I dont know if its him, my friends, or a combination of both but never the less whatever hes doing when I am with him makes me get butterflies every time and makes me so happy. I have been wanting to just be happy for so long. And now that I found it its out of my reach. I am running after something that I will never catch and that what keeps me from being 100% satisfied with our situation. every time I walk out the door and to my car I smile to myself. But as soon as I turn on my car and the music flows through the speakers I realize that I will never get what I want. What I want is unattainable. The part that is hardest is that I know its special I know its something that has amazing potential but its just dangling in front of myself, an amazing ride that Im too short to ride. Given the circumstance I need to be understanding about how he feels and I am trying my best to put my self in his shoes to understand a little more, but I guess when given the opportunity to have something great I want to run with it, but we will never be running. Just stuck where we have always been. But I can not complain because I am taking it anyway I can. Even if it leaves me confused a lot I tend to ignore my confusion because when it comes down to it he makes me happy, why walk away from someone who makes you feel so alive?