well lets see
since no one ever reads mine and i never read neone elses i can vent out everything cant i? matt and i are just friends thats all he wants but thats not all i want i want to see that i thurts him as much as it hurts me i want to know why i have all these questions and no answers i need them...i wont list them here just in case sum one does read. but, i will say this with all my other relationships i got hurt in most of them yes but never lik ethis..i get attaatched to ppl way too easily but in my other relationships i attached to them like you would to a good friend so i lost friends adn a little later after the awkwardnesss that follows a break up gained most of them back so it never rly hurt that bad...nut this does i gave him more i gave him me my heart my soul my virginity my love my life my future my past my present my everything..maybe we got to serious too fast but i dont think so...i think he lied not at first but for at least this passed month or so. i think we got to close adn started fighting over things that didnt matter..i was petty and silly he made promises he couldnt keep. i talked too much he didnt talk enough. these are all problmes that alittle time a little space a nd alittle patience would and still could fix but it doesnt work that way. its not waht he wants so i will go by what he wants becasue thet is what you do for some one you love i know i am misspelling thisng and havign typos but im tired and i dont care lol...i love him adn i alwasy will he will be my first love right now i want him to be the 1st last adn only one in between but no one rly knows . its not what i want that matters though, i have so many emotins i am sad i am tired i am comfusd i am happy we can stay friends through it all best freis even but i am also suppressing some feeling sliek anger and hurt. he gave addie 5 chances within 2-3 weeks of their break ups...i have to wait 2-months just for a secodn chance, i want to scream at him hurt him in some way i also want him to explain to hold him whil ehe holds me to know that it might not last forever but he'll try we'lltry i have never written an entry this long before lol....i am very random...i am sorry ..i want to balme him but i cant it isnt his fault that he jsut stopped feeling for me. he didnt mean to hurt me which is probably why he lied and still lies..i havent proven he lied or if he still lies or if he ever did but its what i think and what i feel..and here at least that matters here at least it means somethin i mean something.... his lies hurt me even if they were in good intentions (if he even lied) he isnt the hnutcase here thats me. i lov ehim i love matthew bator and i alwasy will.
i am tired. i am lonely. i miss him. i widsh he felt the way i did still if he ever felt it in the first place. i will wait adn when the time comes if it comes i will move on adn remain his friedns if that is what he wants but i refuse to become the next tera he will not hate me or ignore me like erin or pretend to be my friend and treat me liek he treate addie. he willl not be the next tj for me or the next heather,or sadie. we will be friends or we will be togehter and if neither happens we will be a fond memory for each other. i am glad of the tiem i have had with him i hope he is too. i love you matt...i wihs you loved me...you dont mean to but you make it seem as if you dont care that what you did was cruel that it was rly not ur fault but mine u make me hate myself...even though you say that you fucked up too as well as me even though you say u love me still adn promise to try agian. and to give me a secodn chance. to wait and not date neone. you say u are saorry but it seems like you think that mnakes it ok. all the things you say i want to believe but ur actions dont just speak louder they scream it at the top of their lungs for all the world to see and hear, after firday i want answers after friday i want to know. please...please dont leaveme...at least not for good leave me for the time beinbg ..ok dont go to anyoneseles please....but please dont leave me for forever. dont make me say goodbye just yet. or ever..
i am tired. i am lonely. i miss him. i widsh he felt the way i did still if he ever felt it in the first place. i will wait adn when the time comes if it comes i will move on adn remain his friedns if that is what he wants but i refuse to become the next tera he will not hate me or ignore me like erin or pretend to be my friend and treat me liek he treate addie. he willl not be the next tj for me or the next heather,or sadie. we will be friends or we will be togehter and if neither happens we will be a fond memory for each other. i am glad of the tiem i have had with him i hope he is too. i love you matt...i wihs you loved me...you dont mean to but you make it seem as if you dont care that what you did was cruel that it was rly not ur fault but mine u make me hate myself...even though you say that you fucked up too as well as me even though you say u love me still adn promise to try agian. and to give me a secodn chance. to wait and not date neone. you say u are saorry but it seems like you think that mnakes it ok. all the things you say i want to believe but ur actions dont just speak louder they scream it at the top of their lungs for all the world to see and hear, after firday i want answers after friday i want to know. please...please dont leaveme...at least not for good leave me for the time beinbg ..ok dont go to anyoneseles please....but please dont leave me for forever. dont make me say goodbye just yet. or ever..