Miss Princess Brandy Alexander
i think i have an eating habit. a bad one. i always tend to over eat, and the past month or so, i've concentrated on my food and my weight and how i look more than i ever have. not to say that i've changed what i eat because i cant make up my fuckin mind and i give into temptaion and what ends up happening is "oh fuck it i dont care im gonna eat this big bowl of fat/sugar/carbs and gain a million pounds" when i KNOW im going to hate myself afterwords but for a few minutes i just dont care then 10 minutes later, "god i hate myself why did i hafto eat that?" dammit i hate myself so much sometimes. i want to be friends with miss princess brandy alexander. that would be great.
anyway, shawn and i have been talking a lot lately, and thats been really cool. i deffiantely miss talking to him. i think he still likes me. he doesnt want to mess around with anyone else besides me even though he could get anybody he wanted in a second, he tells me he loves me, etc etc. (what do i say to THAT?) he's making me not think about ryan so much. so i guess thats good. not to say i dont want ryan back cause i sure as hell do but shawn just makes me want to say "fuck it i dont care" to the whole ryan & i extravaganza and everything else that bothers me. i want to go to his house this weekend but his mom is leaving for LA on saturday morning. =/ but yeah, i guess i do like shawn, but i wouldnt go back out with him. ever. well, i dont know. not now at least. nah, i never would try that again. see how unsure i am about everything? another thing i cant stand about me. he said he couldnt see us going back out and i agreed. but i want to hang out with him and mess around. we're friends. & a few days/weeks ago, it was awkward (sp?) talking to him and i just found it strange, now its just normal. i love being friends with that kid, and he says things like "cody come on you know how i am" or "you know why i do this & that" etc that not everybody knows. and its nice that we can share that. i dont regret going out with him at all. im glad i had that experience with him. & even though i have so many things i hate about myself that even shawn points out and notices, he still thinks im really awesome. and i think that is just incredible that someone can stand to be my friend especially someone i have dated to find me bearable even though i am so fucked up in the head. and i dont mean from drugs or something i just mean....fucked up in the head. i want to be friend with miss princess brandy alexander.
i want to go to the mall and try on clothes and walk around like a model.
i need diet pills. & guys, listen, if i ever want to do drugs its only because i want to lose weight. you guys might not know that, but thats realy what got me started in the first place. i always want to be somebody im not. another thing i hate about myself. well, im not sure if i hate that, look at how unsure i am once again! arent i just the coolest? ::stabs throat::
i lie about a lot of things. another thing to add to my list.
::looks over at plate of food:: damn. i want to puke. maybe i will.
i just want to lose weight, wear more make up, and...........i dont know. im unhappy with everything right now. and no it isnt because of ryan or anything, i've just been like this for a while. i need to fucking die.
im too complicated. if i could just get some diet pills, all of this would change and i would be insanely happy.
<3
anyway, shawn and i have been talking a lot lately, and thats been really cool. i deffiantely miss talking to him. i think he still likes me. he doesnt want to mess around with anyone else besides me even though he could get anybody he wanted in a second, he tells me he loves me, etc etc. (what do i say to THAT?) he's making me not think about ryan so much. so i guess thats good. not to say i dont want ryan back cause i sure as hell do but shawn just makes me want to say "fuck it i dont care" to the whole ryan & i extravaganza and everything else that bothers me. i want to go to his house this weekend but his mom is leaving for LA on saturday morning. =/ but yeah, i guess i do like shawn, but i wouldnt go back out with him. ever. well, i dont know. not now at least. nah, i never would try that again. see how unsure i am about everything? another thing i cant stand about me. he said he couldnt see us going back out and i agreed. but i want to hang out with him and mess around. we're friends. & a few days/weeks ago, it was awkward (sp?) talking to him and i just found it strange, now its just normal. i love being friends with that kid, and he says things like "cody come on you know how i am" or "you know why i do this & that" etc that not everybody knows. and its nice that we can share that. i dont regret going out with him at all. im glad i had that experience with him. & even though i have so many things i hate about myself that even shawn points out and notices, he still thinks im really awesome. and i think that is just incredible that someone can stand to be my friend especially someone i have dated to find me bearable even though i am so fucked up in the head. and i dont mean from drugs or something i just mean....fucked up in the head. i want to be friend with miss princess brandy alexander.
i want to go to the mall and try on clothes and walk around like a model.
i need diet pills. & guys, listen, if i ever want to do drugs its only because i want to lose weight. you guys might not know that, but thats realy what got me started in the first place. i always want to be somebody im not. another thing i hate about myself. well, im not sure if i hate that, look at how unsure i am once again! arent i just the coolest? ::stabs throat::
i lie about a lot of things. another thing to add to my list.
::looks over at plate of food:: damn. i want to puke. maybe i will.
i just want to lose weight, wear more make up, and...........i dont know. im unhappy with everything right now. and no it isnt because of ryan or anything, i've just been like this for a while. i need to fucking die.
im too complicated. if i could just get some diet pills, all of this would change and i would be insanely happy.
<3