can we be happy? show me the moshpit
(we can be happy underground)
I really miss how things were. I almost HATE myself now. My logical, my attitude towards everything, even the things that I deem important have changed so much, and not really for the better either.
I read my Xanga from last year, pretty much exactly a year ago, I was SO HAPPY. and when I wasn't I could easily express why.
November 26th: dont be fake with me. i dont want to deal with it.. not anymore im finished with all of that. im sick of everything. crying and lying to my real friends isnt going to work anymore. i hate telling everyone "o yea im fine" when im screaming inside.. im not ok.. its obvious. but its more than anyone knows or thinks. no im not just sad because i got kicked out or because things dont go the way i want. its deeper. you can laugh if you want but it shows how much you care. tell yourself the truth before you tell me. make sure it sounds right. dont come ask me"oh are you ok" im not.. and you dont have anything to help me make it better so dont ask me. it just makes me feel worse, makes me feel like im guilty of making you care. i hate sounding so ungrateful. for those of you that are here for me. you know who you are. i am truly thankful.. without some of you i wouldnt of made it through the week. for the rest of you. this is for you. take it to heart because thats where its coming from.
_____________
November 28th: im started to wonder whats happening to me .. no i dont mean body parts wise.. (things are not growing in strange places) i mean i feel like im becoming a new person, well not totally new.. im still me but things about me are changing. the scary thing is i dont know what i want anymore, i guess you could say im loosing sight of what used to matter. "happiness is some one ot love, something to do, and something to look forward to" . i have all that so why do i feel like something is missing. oh whatever .. ill stop bitching now... my life is great ive just got to stop my thoughts from distracingt me all the time.
_____________
October 23th: when you care too much about other people .. you lose track of yourself.
when you care too much about yourself .. you lose track of other people
*wheres a comfortable middle?
so i cant decide if im just lonely to the point of desparation or if my feelings are truly genuine.
I want to be turning sixteen again. Haha, fuck this growing up shit. We really think everything is hard now, oh boy do we have something else coming.
The meeting with Dallas was incredible, I didn't know a single mind could throw out so many options and ideas in a matter of, oh about 90 minutes. Thanks for MAKING our senior project. Gift from God, I tell you.
This is really going to work out for us.
"It's like, another adult who's supposed to know what they're talking about, but he actually DOES! We aren't used to that." - Josh
*cough*Mrs. Paratore*cough*
Oh sure she's a great person and her British humor is something else but when you need/want something from the lady, she's the living devil.
And Sarah, your comments about the majority of the students being ignorant, bitchy, bickering CHILDREN. Word. In this case, our silence could have saved us. Next time.. silence>ignorance. Yeah, we won't ever get what we want. Shame shame.
And I'm so NOT quitting my job. Silly silly me, it's winter! Who the crap wants icecream when its storming?! I'm going to sit on my accomplished ass ALLLLLLL winter.
exhale
I really miss how things were. I almost HATE myself now. My logical, my attitude towards everything, even the things that I deem important have changed so much, and not really for the better either.
I read my Xanga from last year, pretty much exactly a year ago, I was SO HAPPY. and when I wasn't I could easily express why.
November 26th: dont be fake with me. i dont want to deal with it.. not anymore im finished with all of that. im sick of everything. crying and lying to my real friends isnt going to work anymore. i hate telling everyone "o yea im fine" when im screaming inside.. im not ok.. its obvious. but its more than anyone knows or thinks. no im not just sad because i got kicked out or because things dont go the way i want. its deeper. you can laugh if you want but it shows how much you care. tell yourself the truth before you tell me. make sure it sounds right. dont come ask me"oh are you ok" im not.. and you dont have anything to help me make it better so dont ask me. it just makes me feel worse, makes me feel like im guilty of making you care. i hate sounding so ungrateful. for those of you that are here for me. you know who you are. i am truly thankful.. without some of you i wouldnt of made it through the week. for the rest of you. this is for you. take it to heart because thats where its coming from.
_____________
November 28th: im started to wonder whats happening to me .. no i dont mean body parts wise.. (things are not growing in strange places) i mean i feel like im becoming a new person, well not totally new.. im still me but things about me are changing. the scary thing is i dont know what i want anymore, i guess you could say im loosing sight of what used to matter. "happiness is some one ot love, something to do, and something to look forward to" . i have all that so why do i feel like something is missing. oh whatever .. ill stop bitching now... my life is great ive just got to stop my thoughts from distracingt me all the time.
_____________
October 23th: when you care too much about other people .. you lose track of yourself.
when you care too much about yourself .. you lose track of other people
*wheres a comfortable middle?
so i cant decide if im just lonely to the point of desparation or if my feelings are truly genuine.
I want to be turning sixteen again. Haha, fuck this growing up shit. We really think everything is hard now, oh boy do we have something else coming.
The meeting with Dallas was incredible, I didn't know a single mind could throw out so many options and ideas in a matter of, oh about 90 minutes. Thanks for MAKING our senior project. Gift from God, I tell you.
This is really going to work out for us.
"It's like, another adult who's supposed to know what they're talking about, but he actually DOES! We aren't used to that." - Josh
*cough*Mrs. Paratore*cough*
Oh sure she's a great person and her British humor is something else but when you need/want something from the lady, she's the living devil.
And Sarah, your comments about the majority of the students being ignorant, bitchy, bickering CHILDREN. Word. In this case, our silence could have saved us. Next time.. silence>ignorance. Yeah, we won't ever get what we want. Shame shame.
And I'm so NOT quitting my job. Silly silly me, it's winter! Who the crap wants icecream when its storming?! I'm going to sit on my accomplished ass ALLLLLLL winter.
exhale