(no subject)
I don't know how I've continued to have nothing but bad luck since 12-07. Maybe all the good luck just ran out. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I'm just looking at it that way and making it happen. It's just disheartening and overwhelming at this point. And it's really just fucking with me, my self esteem, my confidence, my ability to cope/adjust to new situations, etc. And I'm exhausted. Maybe if I was still 19-23 I could deal better, find something good thats come out of it all, or have the determination to fight through it and prove whatever it is I have to prove, to myself, to other people, whatever. But I'm just fucking tired or even broken. I'm so fucking worn down and tired of fighting and proving things. Denis tells me to just relax and take one thing at a time and all that advice that makes perfect sense but is impossible to follow in my situation. I don't want to consider moving, even though it would probably be really good for me. It's not like I have a lot of stuff. I don't even actually have anything. Not a bed, not a dresser. I would gladly purge whatever crap I've amassed while living here this past year. But I just want to crawl into bed and not do or think about anything, and just nurse my wounds for a year or two. My roommate Luc and Denis kept buying me pity whiskey last night. Tey kept trying to convince me how much better off I am, because I'll be forced to come up with more creative ideas of how to make money, instead of being complacent at a bullshit dead end job I don't give a shit about. Denis probably said the word "resume" about a dozen times this morning before he left for work. There's a lot I could be doing right now instead of writing this and feeling sorry for myself and wondering "why me"? But I'm tired.