In the beginning, there was honesty.
Should I actually post this entry? I think i've always heard people say, 'think less, do more' so maybe I should just post it. I could be wrong on this. Firstly, I can't even quote people right (except for Oscar Wilde's famous 'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable it has to be altered every six months' and I'm suspecting I probably got it wrong somewhere too), and I paraphrase poorly. And secondly, did I actually hear such a saying before? Or am I making things up because I'm always excusing myself, especially my actions?
I'm never really someone honest. I used to lie about trivial things, things like a spilt drink or a missing CD, and I don't actually feel bad about lying. It's saying something to save your skin, as opposed to actually doing it. Haha, there are times when I try to rationalise every action I do, so whenever I say something, it's more likely than not witty and possibly laced with a nice touch of sarcasm. I kind of like it, because it makes me sound a lot smarter than I really am (I've no idea what made me say those things, it seems my mouth has a mind of its own because my brain only registers what I've just said after it's being said), but I loathe it a lot too, because it probably made me sound a lot like a bitch. An intelligent bitch. Note, I personally do not think I'm very smart. And I'm not sorry if you think I'm attempting to put myself above the rest. I'm feeling honest today.
As I grow older, I find lying to be rather burdensome. It carries a lot more weight than what I'd bargain for. Since then I'd like to believe I've lied less. What about white lies? Going by Christopher Boone's (?) definition of a white lie which means, I paraphrase, telling the truth, but only part of it , I've told numerous. It isn't a lie. I'm nearly finishing with The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time a book, given to me brand new by a lecturer, which I found utterly captivating and inspirational despite the the strong atheist belief of 'no God yadda'. I think it's one of the few reasons why I decided to write today. Do autistic people/children really think like that? If not all, some? That they cannot comprehend something that logic can't provide answers to? What fascinated me was how truthful he was. He never misses details, which I do, because I never look. I always glance. And while he thinks lying means you picture something unreal and say it, I personally don't picture anything, I just go straight to saying something that didn't happen. What does that make of me, I really wonder.
But I do know that lies make me very scared of being truthful. To be truthful means to be weak. When I feel upset, I pretend I'm not, I lie to myself, and to compensate for the hurt that I'm bottling up inside, I release all that frustrations by making my words cut, and most likely on a someone who happened to be nice to me at that point of time. Occasionally, very rarely, I'd end up in a full-out confrontation. Because I hate the idea of constantly pushed to be on my feet to retaliate or to attack in a proper confrontation. I'm scheming. I do things in the dark because I hate showing weakness. Or maybe I just fear being on the losing end. I'm honest.
My friends read my livejournal. Some, not all. Half the time I filter my entries to make it read-friendly, but today, after going through 85% of this book by Mark Haddon, I begin to feel liberated from all that attachments I have to people. Maybe it's those three minute kind of passion, but it certainly put me in the mood to write down this entry.
Today, I met a salesman, but he said he wasn't one he wasn't trying to sell me anything but sharing with me how to save money better. He called himself Ziven, and claimed to be from Prudential. He appeared by my side while I was reaching the traffic light across the library I was heading to and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. I suggested we cross the road first, then talk. He was possibly about early to mid twenties, and was about half a head taller than me, with an average standard of spoken English. Nothing unusual from your typical salesmen on the street. I was just a little surprised why he approached me. So I asked him why. He said, I paraphrase, that I looked like I had time. I said, you're right you caught me on a day that I'm free, otherwise I'd tell you off immediately.
He thanked me for giving him time and felt lucky that he wasn't turned away.
Ziven had a very obedient demeanour. It was his job I suppose to patronise with the people he approached. I was curt with my words though because whenever I'm speaking to salespeople I just turn into this awful person. Especially in the beginning when I shot him with questions like 'why is your objective in asking me questions? which company are you working for? what do you get out of this? does it involve money because I'm a student and I don't have a single cent to my name, I think you found the wrong person? and if I have the money I'd rather invest it in my studies, if not charities (I've no idea why I said this, I'm not charitable)!'. He kept quiet then he'd find an accosting answer like 'I understand blah blah...' in a very assuring tone. He looked harmless enough, but the more he did, the more edgy I got. I'd come up with the most ridiculous answers to his questions. I felt good, but also a deep uneasy murmur in the depths of my heart. It came to a part when he suddenly asked if I was Christian. I said I was. He asked which church do I attend.
I said I do not divulge personal details. (I insisted on this till the very end, so he has only my e-mail address.) Because he is a stranger and I do not say things like that to a stranger even to one who has me talking for a good solid 15 minutes. But it sounded so un-Christian like to actually say that, 'like look, this is personal okay?'. He went to say he used to go to this church with his cousin at Novena, and asked if I just came from there. He was right about me coming from Novena, but I didn't come from church. Actually for a moment I thought he stalked me all the way from Novena. But okay, that sounds crazy and I'd like to think sometimes I'm a very rational person.
Well it didn't end on a very nice note, but I thanked him and wished him all the best in finding someone better to question. But what I regretted what sounding really nonchalant and looking bored and uninterested throughout the entire conversation, when I actually was listening and had some interest in what he had to say about saving the right way. I lied about not being interested in knowing how to save well. But I told the truth when I said I didn't care about most figures. If they didn't scare me, they put me to sleep.
And Ziven doesn't believe that the world will end soon. While Aliff does.
Anyway two days ago, my school held a logo design workshop for secondary school students, and we were put in[-charge of a group of Marists. I thought they were cute and receptive, and one of them was born in France! I've never really missed secondary school, but seeing how happy they were, how naturally they were together, joking among themselves, with me, with some of my other friends, I felt a bit sad to leave my secondary school days. Sure there were unforgettable events that happened when I was a secondary school student, but I wouldn't label them to be secondary school days. I categorise them under -- well, that's too personal, and I'm not lying.
It's a pity I forgot to ask them for their numbers. And they had a very pretty lady for an art teacher. Well, but I've had Joon Kiat who has a small boy personality. Very retartedly cute too, in his own little way.
I actually have a lot more to say. But I don't know how to say. Or what I should or should not say. I personally don't believe in free speech. I won't say I know exactly what free speech entails or what it doesn't, but from the words 'freedom of speech' I can infer that it means that there are no restrictions in speaking, verbal, print or through any other possible mediums. That means slander should not exist should free speech be in place. In free speech, we also support hate, racist, anti-whatever speech. Do I think it's wrong? I'll leave it at here. I don't really like reading people's entries when they talk philosophical, because I know I am not open-minded (and I'm honest about this), and I believe there is right and wrong, and I don't agree that it's a relative kind of thing. I'd be contradicting myself if I delve too deeply in my philosophy... of life? Of anything. It'd sound like I had an agenda or that I'm trying to propagate my ideology or something. But just know that I've a lot to say.
Freedom of thought? Yes. Speech? Not really. Too much restriction, bad. Too much of freedom, bad. I'm no environmentalist, but I can safely say most of us realise we're slowly putting ourselves and the entire world in danger of becoming expired sooner than we should be. Why? Because we had all the freedom, but little responsibility. But, did I help? No, I didn't. I'm witnessing our slow suicide, like a willing party playing right into the way of doom.
That brings me to another issue. I've no issues with smokers. Even my father smokes. But I was talking about it this morning after my typhoid jab at a cosy Starbucks outlet; that smokers are willing suicide parties. Except they're taking it slow, and enjoying it along the way. I think I used to pity them, but not so much anymore. This afternoon I thought of all the people who suffered asthma, bronchitis and all that respiratory conditions, all because their parents smoked. Why did their parents smoke? I'd like to think they're forced to, but it's more likely that they made the choice to light up. I talked about this because my friend was complaining about his incurable sinuses. Seeing people my age turn to smoking isn't a huge deal. I don't feel mad or weird or anything like I used to when I was 15. But thinking about their children makes me feel a little sad although they're not in any critical kind of condition.
I'm honest, and I think I might have offended people by saying so. Usually I'd say 'no offence' that's because I'm lying. And I won't at least for today. I wonder if I'll get some flames. Maybe my rebellious streak is finally kicking in when I'm in my late teens.
I'm contemplating if I should allow comments. Because I won't get any, and I'm not prepared to deal with flames. But I'll try.
I sound repetitive today. Long-winded too. But I enjoyed writing this entry. There's always space for more factual opinions. And I think I like the sound of that, very much.
I'm never really someone honest. I used to lie about trivial things, things like a spilt drink or a missing CD, and I don't actually feel bad about lying. It's saying something to save your skin, as opposed to actually doing it. Haha, there are times when I try to rationalise every action I do, so whenever I say something, it's more likely than not witty and possibly laced with a nice touch of sarcasm. I kind of like it, because it makes me sound a lot smarter than I really am (I've no idea what made me say those things, it seems my mouth has a mind of its own because my brain only registers what I've just said after it's being said), but I loathe it a lot too, because it probably made me sound a lot like a bitch. An intelligent bitch. Note, I personally do not think I'm very smart. And I'm not sorry if you think I'm attempting to put myself above the rest. I'm feeling honest today.
As I grow older, I find lying to be rather burdensome. It carries a lot more weight than what I'd bargain for. Since then I'd like to believe I've lied less. What about white lies? Going by Christopher Boone's (?) definition of a white lie which means, I paraphrase, telling the truth, but only part of it , I've told numerous. It isn't a lie. I'm nearly finishing with The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time a book, given to me brand new by a lecturer, which I found utterly captivating and inspirational despite the the strong atheist belief of 'no God yadda'. I think it's one of the few reasons why I decided to write today. Do autistic people/children really think like that? If not all, some? That they cannot comprehend something that logic can't provide answers to? What fascinated me was how truthful he was. He never misses details, which I do, because I never look. I always glance. And while he thinks lying means you picture something unreal and say it, I personally don't picture anything, I just go straight to saying something that didn't happen. What does that make of me, I really wonder.
But I do know that lies make me very scared of being truthful. To be truthful means to be weak. When I feel upset, I pretend I'm not, I lie to myself, and to compensate for the hurt that I'm bottling up inside, I release all that frustrations by making my words cut, and most likely on a someone who happened to be nice to me at that point of time. Occasionally, very rarely, I'd end up in a full-out confrontation. Because I hate the idea of constantly pushed to be on my feet to retaliate or to attack in a proper confrontation. I'm scheming. I do things in the dark because I hate showing weakness. Or maybe I just fear being on the losing end. I'm honest.
My friends read my livejournal. Some, not all. Half the time I filter my entries to make it read-friendly, but today, after going through 85% of this book by Mark Haddon, I begin to feel liberated from all that attachments I have to people. Maybe it's those three minute kind of passion, but it certainly put me in the mood to write down this entry.
Today, I met a salesman, but he said he wasn't one he wasn't trying to sell me anything but sharing with me how to save money better. He called himself Ziven, and claimed to be from Prudential. He appeared by my side while I was reaching the traffic light across the library I was heading to and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. I suggested we cross the road first, then talk. He was possibly about early to mid twenties, and was about half a head taller than me, with an average standard of spoken English. Nothing unusual from your typical salesmen on the street. I was just a little surprised why he approached me. So I asked him why. He said, I paraphrase, that I looked like I had time. I said, you're right you caught me on a day that I'm free, otherwise I'd tell you off immediately.
He thanked me for giving him time and felt lucky that he wasn't turned away.
Ziven had a very obedient demeanour. It was his job I suppose to patronise with the people he approached. I was curt with my words though because whenever I'm speaking to salespeople I just turn into this awful person. Especially in the beginning when I shot him with questions like 'why is your objective in asking me questions? which company are you working for? what do you get out of this? does it involve money because I'm a student and I don't have a single cent to my name, I think you found the wrong person? and if I have the money I'd rather invest it in my studies, if not charities (I've no idea why I said this, I'm not charitable)!'. He kept quiet then he'd find an accosting answer like 'I understand blah blah...' in a very assuring tone. He looked harmless enough, but the more he did, the more edgy I got. I'd come up with the most ridiculous answers to his questions. I felt good, but also a deep uneasy murmur in the depths of my heart. It came to a part when he suddenly asked if I was Christian. I said I was. He asked which church do I attend.
I said I do not divulge personal details. (I insisted on this till the very end, so he has only my e-mail address.) Because he is a stranger and I do not say things like that to a stranger even to one who has me talking for a good solid 15 minutes. But it sounded so un-Christian like to actually say that, 'like look, this is personal okay?'. He went to say he used to go to this church with his cousin at Novena, and asked if I just came from there. He was right about me coming from Novena, but I didn't come from church. Actually for a moment I thought he stalked me all the way from Novena. But okay, that sounds crazy and I'd like to think sometimes I'm a very rational person.
Well it didn't end on a very nice note, but I thanked him and wished him all the best in finding someone better to question. But what I regretted what sounding really nonchalant and looking bored and uninterested throughout the entire conversation, when I actually was listening and had some interest in what he had to say about saving the right way. I lied about not being interested in knowing how to save well. But I told the truth when I said I didn't care about most figures. If they didn't scare me, they put me to sleep.
And Ziven doesn't believe that the world will end soon. While Aliff does.
Anyway two days ago, my school held a logo design workshop for secondary school students, and we were put in[-charge of a group of Marists. I thought they were cute and receptive, and one of them was born in France! I've never really missed secondary school, but seeing how happy they were, how naturally they were together, joking among themselves, with me, with some of my other friends, I felt a bit sad to leave my secondary school days. Sure there were unforgettable events that happened when I was a secondary school student, but I wouldn't label them to be secondary school days. I categorise them under -- well, that's too personal, and I'm not lying.
It's a pity I forgot to ask them for their numbers. And they had a very pretty lady for an art teacher. Well, but I've had Joon Kiat who has a small boy personality. Very retartedly cute too, in his own little way.
I actually have a lot more to say. But I don't know how to say. Or what I should or should not say. I personally don't believe in free speech. I won't say I know exactly what free speech entails or what it doesn't, but from the words 'freedom of speech' I can infer that it means that there are no restrictions in speaking, verbal, print or through any other possible mediums. That means slander should not exist should free speech be in place. In free speech, we also support hate, racist, anti-whatever speech. Do I think it's wrong? I'll leave it at here. I don't really like reading people's entries when they talk philosophical, because I know I am not open-minded (and I'm honest about this), and I believe there is right and wrong, and I don't agree that it's a relative kind of thing. I'd be contradicting myself if I delve too deeply in my philosophy... of life? Of anything. It'd sound like I had an agenda or that I'm trying to propagate my ideology or something. But just know that I've a lot to say.
Freedom of thought? Yes. Speech? Not really. Too much restriction, bad. Too much of freedom, bad. I'm no environmentalist, but I can safely say most of us realise we're slowly putting ourselves and the entire world in danger of becoming expired sooner than we should be. Why? Because we had all the freedom, but little responsibility. But, did I help? No, I didn't. I'm witnessing our slow suicide, like a willing party playing right into the way of doom.
That brings me to another issue. I've no issues with smokers. Even my father smokes. But I was talking about it this morning after my typhoid jab at a cosy Starbucks outlet; that smokers are willing suicide parties. Except they're taking it slow, and enjoying it along the way. I think I used to pity them, but not so much anymore. This afternoon I thought of all the people who suffered asthma, bronchitis and all that respiratory conditions, all because their parents smoked. Why did their parents smoke? I'd like to think they're forced to, but it's more likely that they made the choice to light up. I talked about this because my friend was complaining about his incurable sinuses. Seeing people my age turn to smoking isn't a huge deal. I don't feel mad or weird or anything like I used to when I was 15. But thinking about their children makes me feel a little sad although they're not in any critical kind of condition.
I'm honest, and I think I might have offended people by saying so. Usually I'd say 'no offence' that's because I'm lying. And I won't at least for today. I wonder if I'll get some flames. Maybe my rebellious streak is finally kicking in when I'm in my late teens.
I'm contemplating if I should allow comments. Because I won't get any, and I'm not prepared to deal with flames. But I'll try.
I sound repetitive today. Long-winded too. But I enjoyed writing this entry. There's always space for more factual opinions. And I think I like the sound of that, very much.