(no subject)
There is so much going on in my head right now, I can't even contain it all. I'm having reality check after reality check in a matter of two hours and I don't know where it's coming from. It's amazing how hard something can hit you. How blind you were for however long, and you didn't even realize it. I like to think that I'm being strong, but I'm the farthest from that right now. I'm so fragile that the tiniest nudge could make me completely collapse to my knees.
I'm dealing with more right now than I've dealt with in a long time. Disappointment after disappointment is being forced down my throat and I don't know how to handle any of it. I try so hard to be confident with myself and stay held together, but how can I do that when everybody I ever care about and give my all to leaves me? And on top of that, I don't even do anything wrong. I don't do anything that I can't help. I know I come off as a really positive person, but I can't even begin to tell you how much hate comes out of my mouth lately. It makes me sick how many negative remarks I say in one day, towards myself or not.
I don't care about what this world has to offer to me anymore. I don't care about getting all of this art sitting in front of me finished. I don't care about getting all of my scholarship disks done. I don't care about getting into a great college, finding a great job, or living in a fantastic apartment. I want to change myself into the person I used to be. The girl who never judged, never thought negative of anything or anybody, never went to bed upset. I want to be such a loving person that it overflows with every word, action, and decision I make. I want to be so close to God to the point where I don't care or worry about my life when terrible things happen. When people leave and push me aside. When my dreams are completely shattered. When I'm disappointed and hurting. I want to have enough faith and trust in Him to be okay with just being me and having myself to keep me going. I don't need anybody else. I don't need to rely on a person help me understand how special I am. I don't want to worry about my life anymore. I'm not GOING to worry about my life anymore. I want to feel God with me every single second of every single day, and I would be totally satisfied with life if I had that and only that. I don't need money or a picture perfect lifestyle. I'm not on this earth to work for a successful life in this sad, messed up, twisted world. I'm here to be the best person that I can be, and touch as many people as I possibly can while I'm here. I'm sick of thinking this world is so terrible. I'm sick of thinking that nothing is going to get better, because it's going to. I'm done being negative. I'm done being judgmental. I'm done being somebody that makes me sick. I have to get my love back.
I'm dealing with more right now than I've dealt with in a long time. Disappointment after disappointment is being forced down my throat and I don't know how to handle any of it. I try so hard to be confident with myself and stay held together, but how can I do that when everybody I ever care about and give my all to leaves me? And on top of that, I don't even do anything wrong. I don't do anything that I can't help. I know I come off as a really positive person, but I can't even begin to tell you how much hate comes out of my mouth lately. It makes me sick how many negative remarks I say in one day, towards myself or not.
I don't care about what this world has to offer to me anymore. I don't care about getting all of this art sitting in front of me finished. I don't care about getting all of my scholarship disks done. I don't care about getting into a great college, finding a great job, or living in a fantastic apartment. I want to change myself into the person I used to be. The girl who never judged, never thought negative of anything or anybody, never went to bed upset. I want to be such a loving person that it overflows with every word, action, and decision I make. I want to be so close to God to the point where I don't care or worry about my life when terrible things happen. When people leave and push me aside. When my dreams are completely shattered. When I'm disappointed and hurting. I want to have enough faith and trust in Him to be okay with just being me and having myself to keep me going. I don't need anybody else. I don't need to rely on a person help me understand how special I am. I don't want to worry about my life anymore. I'm not GOING to worry about my life anymore. I want to feel God with me every single second of every single day, and I would be totally satisfied with life if I had that and only that. I don't need money or a picture perfect lifestyle. I'm not on this earth to work for a successful life in this sad, messed up, twisted world. I'm here to be the best person that I can be, and touch as many people as I possibly can while I'm here. I'm sick of thinking this world is so terrible. I'm sick of thinking that nothing is going to get better, because it's going to. I'm done being negative. I'm done being judgmental. I'm done being somebody that makes me sick. I have to get my love back.