(no subject)
I miss Xazier so fucking much. Every day I pick up my phone to text him, or come home expecting him to ring at 5 like he used to. I'm going through so much shit at the moment because of him, and I'm so fucking angry. At myself and him. He always told me that he loved me more than anyone, and that he'd never leave me alone. He always promised he'd be there for me as much as I was for him. Why, then, did he decide to fuck off and leave me? I promised him I'd be there for him through ANYTHING and yet he felt so bad that he couldn't talk to me so he had to leave. It makes me wonder what kind of a friend I was at all. I know I could have done something to stop it. I could have rang him more, I could have gone up to Glasgow and seen him more. I could have listened harder, I could have hugged him tighter. I could have done a million things to keep him with me but I didn't and now he's gone. I'm angry at him for leaving me so alone, but I fucking hate myself because it feels like I caused it and I was just too blind to see that I wasn't there enough.
Have you ever loved someone so much that sometimes it feels difficult to breathe? That's how I feel about him. Still. I just feel so fucking.. shit all the time since he's gone. We had so many plans together - we had the next 6 years mapped out and it was going to be so fucking amazing. But none of that can happen anymore and that kills me. Because I can't imagine living through those 6 years without him.
There isn't a minute of the day I'm not thinking about him.
I just... I really wish he'd come back, you know? I wish this was all just a joke, the past few months he's just been playing a trick on us all. And I know that's not going to happen, but it doesn't stop me hoping every time someone rings.
Jesus, I'm such a fucking emotionally retarded dick. I can't finish this.
Have you ever loved someone so much that sometimes it feels difficult to breathe? That's how I feel about him. Still. I just feel so fucking.. shit all the time since he's gone. We had so many plans together - we had the next 6 years mapped out and it was going to be so fucking amazing. But none of that can happen anymore and that kills me. Because I can't imagine living through those 6 years without him.
There isn't a minute of the day I'm not thinking about him.
I just... I really wish he'd come back, you know? I wish this was all just a joke, the past few months he's just been playing a trick on us all. And I know that's not going to happen, but it doesn't stop me hoping every time someone rings.
Jesus, I'm such a fucking emotionally retarded dick. I can't finish this.