(no subject)
I really shouldn't be doing this now. I have too much to do.
but you know what?
fuck that.
I'm seriously really tired of trying to sound intelligent. Whether I'm trying to make myself feel better by speaking or being better than others, or I'm in class at Yale where I feel like I'm spending hours with Henry James and Hemingway, or just generally to friends. Is it too hard to take a day off and be cool [my babies]?
I mean, most of you will obviously say I am not so articulate, I don't always say the right thing, I can be verbally...just...awkward. But god damn, I try to hard. I guess through language and speech, I'm trying to be the person I always want to be. The person who usually has the right word, who knows all the right words, who can convey their thoughts with sanity.
Maybe that's why I'm naturally drawn to music-not speaking, just playing. If we all stood behind a screen and played the same song on the piano, I could learn a lot more about each and every one of you by your inflection, touch, and care. In one fucking piece of music. Not make judgments on your words and presence.
Maybe I felt kind of odd, being the person that everyone goes to. Do you know what I mean? I want to be the one that is ranting, the one with personal problems; God knows i have that much. But i guess I'm really grateful for the people that do come to me. I would never want their thoughts to go unsaid, I'd love to hear the secrets. And I'll keep them. But how much of other people's shit can I fill my head with, until it explodes with my own thoughts?
It's kind of like a septic tank, for lack of a better image. Everyone takes a dump into it, and then some poor soul has to go clean it out every few years. I mean, that sucks.
So it's not at fault of the people who come to me, who come to talk, who seek advice (although I wonder the validity of my own words), or just a friend to be with. Please come to me! But sometimes I'd rather talk too. I can only listen so much.
So critical, so critical. Maybe i need a break-from the people i see too much. I seriously cannot wait until I have my license, although lacking a car, I will have the freedom to meet up with any bish I want. And not listen to ridiculous excuses.
but you know what?
fuck that.
I'm seriously really tired of trying to sound intelligent. Whether I'm trying to make myself feel better by speaking or being better than others, or I'm in class at Yale where I feel like I'm spending hours with Henry James and Hemingway, or just generally to friends. Is it too hard to take a day off and be cool [my babies]?
I mean, most of you will obviously say I am not so articulate, I don't always say the right thing, I can be verbally...just...awkward. But god damn, I try to hard. I guess through language and speech, I'm trying to be the person I always want to be. The person who usually has the right word, who knows all the right words, who can convey their thoughts with sanity.
Maybe that's why I'm naturally drawn to music-not speaking, just playing. If we all stood behind a screen and played the same song on the piano, I could learn a lot more about each and every one of you by your inflection, touch, and care. In one fucking piece of music. Not make judgments on your words and presence.
Maybe I felt kind of odd, being the person that everyone goes to. Do you know what I mean? I want to be the one that is ranting, the one with personal problems; God knows i have that much. But i guess I'm really grateful for the people that do come to me. I would never want their thoughts to go unsaid, I'd love to hear the secrets. And I'll keep them. But how much of other people's shit can I fill my head with, until it explodes with my own thoughts?
It's kind of like a septic tank, for lack of a better image. Everyone takes a dump into it, and then some poor soul has to go clean it out every few years. I mean, that sucks.
So it's not at fault of the people who come to me, who come to talk, who seek advice (although I wonder the validity of my own words), or just a friend to be with. Please come to me! But sometimes I'd rather talk too. I can only listen so much.
So critical, so critical. Maybe i need a break-from the people i see too much. I seriously cannot wait until I have my license, although lacking a car, I will have the freedom to meet up with any bish I want. And not listen to ridiculous excuses.