(no subject)
i got nostalgic. i looked through my journal. i found some quotes. i found ones that were either especially memorable, or represented a certain state of something bigger. and i put them in a giant list in order.
i have a life, okay? i do.
JAN
im so glad two-thousand and four is over...what an awful year.
aaah "the worst is over."
Im really scared of two thousand and five. i still struggle with school, and lack confidence when it comes to hanging out with people. basicly im tired of bullshit. and not looking forward to more of it.
Basicly, i cant care about my dad anymore.
i think im going to gauge my ears. its a sudden impulse. i was thinking half inch. yeah too bad its expensiveXc0re and a total sudden-impulse anyway.
I bought my mother flowers.
FEB
i want the rich boy, i want the rich boy but the rich boy, he doesnt want me. i like the pretty girls, i like the pretty girls but the pretty girls, they dont like me. adapt, adapt, adapt.
ive decided falling out of love can be a very good thing. it makes you appreciate who your friends are. sweet, simplifying. genuine.
after i trudge through this bullshit i am rewarding myself with a wonderful summer. im going to lots of shows and parties and kickbacks and skinny-dipping adventures. because i deserve it, god damn it.
theres no sense in embarking in that same old journey, the one where i set out to make new friends and take new drugs and exersize my rights to rebel. ive already done all of that and in the end its always the same: im jaded, embarrased, and broke.
dear freddy~with your amazing and well-deserved success, i was thinking you're probably way to busy to play a very insignificant house show with Reptar… dear alex~ Yes, I am totally down to play a house show!!! --Freddy
failing all my classes. i dont do the work. i hate school.
scared to death of drug dealing drama.
MARCH
good-bye grandpa.
i just took drugs, and i cut myself too.
the last thing i clearly remember is my sister holding a cigarette infront of my face in the dark. …am i really too high to tap the ash from this cigarette? i woke up being quite confident i hadnt blacked out, but then when i tried to put things together the night before was a void. i checked my stash and forgot how many i had started with, how many i'd taken that week and how many i'd taken the night before.
yeah yeah, mr coller, so i look strung out. leave me alone.
so after a long sleepless night of feeling like the worst person on earth, today my fears were confirmed: i am going nowhere and ive lost control of myself. i make myself sick.
i got arrested today. im prety sure i called erik who said, basicly, that i was screwed.
tonight, i went walking with a ghost. and you should be so jealous. (Tegan and sara show with deann, andrea, and some other ladies)
YOU CANT LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANYMORE. YOU DONT WANT TO LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANY FUCKING MORE.
APRIL
so today justine and i kind of leaned against a fire alarm.
mom: youre throwing it all away! me: ...because i am GAUGING my EAR? mom: YES!
now my grandma's dead too.
i have been sober for one month, three days, and twenty-ish hours. what a month, three days, and twenty hours it has been. i spent all of third period thinking about drugs. i miss them. i know if someone were to put a bottle of anything infront of me, id drink until i passed out. i want to drink until i pass out. i want to take all the pills in the world and never come down.
i know youll change and when you do i'll be able to forgive you. but for now youre a selfish asshole and i wish you wouldnt ignore me.
things are looking up.
MAY
by 10:30 there was sand, soda cans, and cigarette butts everywhere. i had only heard positive things about the show. people congratulated me for pulling it off. everyone had fun. nothing bad happened
“alex, just wanted to write you to say thank you sooo much for doing the show and thanks for having me play your house!! i had a super fun time!! thank you so much!! -freddy"
concerta, 18mg for one week, possible increase to 36 mgs.
in other news my hair has a very cheesy turqoise and purpl chunk in it. very hot topic. but fun, i s'pose.
yay happy mothers day my beautiful wife i got drunk just to show my love…sitting at my desk completely dead, while my mom shakes my shoulders and asks "whats wrong with you?" and "why is he doing this?"
mr fauver really hates me and expressed this by stomping into class and glaring at me until others were distracted. i nearly peed myself and when the bell rang ran like hell.
some attractive guy thinks im attractive. *ego shoots out fire works*…he said i was cute. i blushed.
watching the sun rise through the doors of the storage bin...the smell of cat urine and marlboro reds lingering in the crisp, dewy air.
JUNE
oh and my dad tried to drink himself to death so now he's in the hospital for the bajillionth time and its sad to think im starting to hope more for his death than recovery, since hope is so exhausting when repeatedly met with only dissapointment.
truth is, sharing a pack of turkish royals and watching experimental film and laughing at ourselves on a bare matress can make for so much more of a good time, if in good company. not a novel idea, you knew it all along, just a lot of people ignore it because they want to "get a lot out of their high school experience."
prom night: virtually perfect.
amanda's backyard is beautiful and i had fun mingling with random acquaintences. i danced a lot. good show.
i went to a strip club in lennox?
I GOT AN A- OR A B ON THE CHEM FINAL, I WAS IN THE TOP FIVE OF THE CLASS
i went to see chris's graduation the other day and we had dinner with his family. he was so happy to see me there. tomorrow is our one month. hmm.
tonight social services is coming over to make sure my mommy doesnt beat me
so today i hauled my virgin self in a car full of fuck ups and misfits to a planned parenthood…
JULY
versus i is an underrated band. possibly because theyve played like 1.2 shows.
barbicue with chris's people in san pedro -->fireworks in el segundo; big lights, big sounds.
i am in a wonderful relationship.
Its my birthday…i am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. THANK YOU to everyone who came…i am so utterly unworthy, and immensely grateful.
-community service is boring
-my psychologist says i am making excellent progress
we laughed. we cried. we kissed. we made up. ”i want to be with you.” just then, we leaned into eachother, locking lips hard and passionately pressing against eachother. but then: a splatter. overhead dante groaned slightly and the waterfall of vomit continued to drop, splashing the dirt only three feet away.
AUG
the tegan and sara show was swell.
Camping.
its all fun and games until you realize you have to be at franks driving school *very* shortly. the good news is my night was by far more splendid than yours.
"But really, I wanted to call you but was afraid I would myself be a problem in your life.” it would be strange, all these long months later…but all these things considered, id like to start over and be friends again.
this song is called “Mojave” and it makes me climax.
so im not a vegetarian anymore.
chris's mom --abruptly--entered the room, and said "alex's mom is here." (chris's mom saw us both naked.)
im the worst camp runamok employee ever.
SEP
i talked to mr coller at lunch. it felt good to show him how well im doing.
im already realizing how busy i am. i dont have time to do all my assignments; this weekend i have to write a letter, a short story and work on my summer reading project, as well as buy a bunch of shit.
last night chris and i went to a little dinner party thing at kaelyns. we drank jack daniels. i wore theigh-heighs. it was fun.
i miss summer when it'd be me and all the boys at sherwin's or chris's or travis's or josh's, laughing at people or comforting someone who was crying over someone else, drinking beer or vodka or whatever but always in perfect moderation, getting lbj's and cigarettes, going to bonfires. i miss coming home with a delightful and satisfying headache, feeling sore all over simply from laughing too hard, my throat thrashed from histerics and smoke and my head swaying slightly from a poorly considered third beer. i miss the crew and the "night life" and the spontaneous poker games. im feeling satisfied and hopeful.
OCT
i have a wonderful boyfriend that i love dearly. i have the most supportive, fun, and caring friends. im taking fantastic classes and seldom have homework. im not distracted by drugs. my dad isnt doing beligerant things in the front yard. my mom is mellow, and my sister and i get along really well. i like socializing with the mira costans. i had a safe and rewarding summer vacation.
no, they shouldnt feel sorry for me, and they shouldnt respect me anymore than anyone else. i just wish theyd fucking believe me when i say that ive changed.
im just so tired. its only october, but i already need a break. i got lonely and depressed after school so i went to the park and cried and then self-medicated with homework. i started wondering what the point of reading or writing or doing anything, and then what the point of life was, and then my perspective just got too big. its a dismal place to store your conscious. i do everything right. i take my medication every day.
i just want my mother to be proud of me.
halloween costume: chris: wife beater; me: beaten wife. chad, josh, dante, kaelyn and magda and two other people i dont know met up at chris's and we went to tristas party in PV. it was mad fun. when we were driving through the hills, we came up one street and then saw from the top of the cliffs all the lights down below.
got breakfast at rocky cola then busted our asses and rode our bikes to culver city.
NOV
so, adam carolla is leaving loveline.
Tonight: kaeylin ali attilla josh christopher and myself ice skating in pv dinner at rocky cola fun shit.
broken social SCENE
nothings changing, except when i step out of your car i wont kiss you goodbye. it was fun while it lasted. …in only a matter of three days, everything changed. not better, not worse necessarily... just, in six months, you can really build a foundation around something, and when it deteriorates, its weird.
my constant is closer to neutral, now, and i feel healthier than i have in forever. but being at costa, its like being trapped in this ugly photo album, and im terrified of regressing because i can recognize the tiniest signs of me, in fact, regressing. putting off homework, complaining, distancing myself from others.
last night the [Jello and The Melvins] show was killer. very punkXrock. moshing and crowd surfing and even getting a little groped.
i had two really deep really great conversations today and by doing so, learned a lot about myself. im getting so much better at confiding.
…pounded some captain morgan spiced rum. and i said things i shouldnt have said and nearly strangled lindsey and cried a lot…nothing feels worse than self-hatered first thing on a sunday morning.
thanksgiving = buffet in vegas. i ate sushi.
she's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices, she's haunted by the voices of so many desires….(it was a casual thing…and it was fun.)
DEC
today i saw a transgender speak. today chris, kaelyn, lindsey and i all went to see josh play an open mic in redondo. it was fucking raaaaaaaadical. especially when the mic turned into a waffle cone and he did weezer covers. showed them regular fucks a thing-er two. casey hyde died in a car accident friday night. so the show last night was fun. i got hit in the ear and it really hurts. i also reached a whole new degree of punkness when i actually passed out. yeeeuh.
etc
etc
etc.
JAN
im so glad two-thousand and four is over...what an awful year.
aaah "the worst is over."
Im really scared of two thousand and five. i still struggle with school, and lack confidence when it comes to hanging out with people. basicly im tired of bullshit. and not looking forward to more of it.
Basicly, i cant care about my dad anymore.
i think im going to gauge my ears. its a sudden impulse. i was thinking half inch. yeah too bad its expensiveXc0re and a total sudden-impulse anyway.
I bought my mother flowers.
FEB
i want the rich boy, i want the rich boy but the rich boy, he doesnt want me. i like the pretty girls, i like the pretty girls but the pretty girls, they dont like me. adapt, adapt, adapt.
ive decided falling out of love can be a very good thing. it makes you appreciate who your friends are. sweet, simplifying. genuine.
after i trudge through this bullshit i am rewarding myself with a wonderful summer. im going to lots of shows and parties and kickbacks and skinny-dipping adventures. because i deserve it, god damn it.
theres no sense in embarking in that same old journey, the one where i set out to make new friends and take new drugs and exersize my rights to rebel. ive already done all of that and in the end its always the same: im jaded, embarrased, and broke.
dear freddy~with your amazing and well-deserved success, i was thinking you're probably way to busy to play a very insignificant house show with Reptar… dear alex~ Yes, I am totally down to play a house show!!! --Freddy
failing all my classes. i dont do the work. i hate school.
scared to death of drug dealing drama.
MARCH
good-bye grandpa.
i just took drugs, and i cut myself too.
the last thing i clearly remember is my sister holding a cigarette infront of my face in the dark. …am i really too high to tap the ash from this cigarette? i woke up being quite confident i hadnt blacked out, but then when i tried to put things together the night before was a void. i checked my stash and forgot how many i had started with, how many i'd taken that week and how many i'd taken the night before.
yeah yeah, mr coller, so i look strung out. leave me alone.
so after a long sleepless night of feeling like the worst person on earth, today my fears were confirmed: i am going nowhere and ive lost control of myself. i make myself sick.
i got arrested today. im prety sure i called erik who said, basicly, that i was screwed.
tonight, i went walking with a ghost. and you should be so jealous. (Tegan and sara show with deann, andrea, and some other ladies)
YOU CANT LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANYMORE. YOU DONT WANT TO LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANY FUCKING MORE.
APRIL
so today justine and i kind of leaned against a fire alarm.
mom: youre throwing it all away! me: ...because i am GAUGING my EAR? mom: YES!
now my grandma's dead too.
i have been sober for one month, three days, and twenty-ish hours. what a month, three days, and twenty hours it has been. i spent all of third period thinking about drugs. i miss them. i know if someone were to put a bottle of anything infront of me, id drink until i passed out. i want to drink until i pass out. i want to take all the pills in the world and never come down.
i know youll change and when you do i'll be able to forgive you. but for now youre a selfish asshole and i wish you wouldnt ignore me.
things are looking up.
MAY
by 10:30 there was sand, soda cans, and cigarette butts everywhere. i had only heard positive things about the show. people congratulated me for pulling it off. everyone had fun. nothing bad happened
“alex, just wanted to write you to say thank you sooo much for doing the show and thanks for having me play your house!! i had a super fun time!! thank you so much!! -freddy"
concerta, 18mg for one week, possible increase to 36 mgs.
in other news my hair has a very cheesy turqoise and purpl chunk in it. very hot topic. but fun, i s'pose.
yay happy mothers day my beautiful wife i got drunk just to show my love…sitting at my desk completely dead, while my mom shakes my shoulders and asks "whats wrong with you?" and "why is he doing this?"
mr fauver really hates me and expressed this by stomping into class and glaring at me until others were distracted. i nearly peed myself and when the bell rang ran like hell.
some attractive guy thinks im attractive. *ego shoots out fire works*…he said i was cute. i blushed.
watching the sun rise through the doors of the storage bin...the smell of cat urine and marlboro reds lingering in the crisp, dewy air.
JUNE
oh and my dad tried to drink himself to death so now he's in the hospital for the bajillionth time and its sad to think im starting to hope more for his death than recovery, since hope is so exhausting when repeatedly met with only dissapointment.
truth is, sharing a pack of turkish royals and watching experimental film and laughing at ourselves on a bare matress can make for so much more of a good time, if in good company. not a novel idea, you knew it all along, just a lot of people ignore it because they want to "get a lot out of their high school experience."
prom night: virtually perfect.
amanda's backyard is beautiful and i had fun mingling with random acquaintences. i danced a lot. good show.
i went to a strip club in lennox?
I GOT AN A- OR A B ON THE CHEM FINAL, I WAS IN THE TOP FIVE OF THE CLASS
i went to see chris's graduation the other day and we had dinner with his family. he was so happy to see me there. tomorrow is our one month. hmm.
tonight social services is coming over to make sure my mommy doesnt beat me
so today i hauled my virgin self in a car full of fuck ups and misfits to a planned parenthood…
JULY
versus i is an underrated band. possibly because theyve played like 1.2 shows.
barbicue with chris's people in san pedro -->fireworks in el segundo; big lights, big sounds.
i am in a wonderful relationship.
Its my birthday…i am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. THANK YOU to everyone who came…i am so utterly unworthy, and immensely grateful.
-community service is boring
-my psychologist says i am making excellent progress
we laughed. we cried. we kissed. we made up. ”i want to be with you.” just then, we leaned into eachother, locking lips hard and passionately pressing against eachother. but then: a splatter. overhead dante groaned slightly and the waterfall of vomit continued to drop, splashing the dirt only three feet away.
AUG
the tegan and sara show was swell.
Camping.
its all fun and games until you realize you have to be at franks driving school *very* shortly. the good news is my night was by far more splendid than yours.
"But really, I wanted to call you but was afraid I would myself be a problem in your life.” it would be strange, all these long months later…but all these things considered, id like to start over and be friends again.
this song is called “Mojave” and it makes me climax.
so im not a vegetarian anymore.
chris's mom --abruptly--entered the room, and said "alex's mom is here." (chris's mom saw us both naked.)
im the worst camp runamok employee ever.
SEP
i talked to mr coller at lunch. it felt good to show him how well im doing.
im already realizing how busy i am. i dont have time to do all my assignments; this weekend i have to write a letter, a short story and work on my summer reading project, as well as buy a bunch of shit.
last night chris and i went to a little dinner party thing at kaelyns. we drank jack daniels. i wore theigh-heighs. it was fun.
i miss summer when it'd be me and all the boys at sherwin's or chris's or travis's or josh's, laughing at people or comforting someone who was crying over someone else, drinking beer or vodka or whatever but always in perfect moderation, getting lbj's and cigarettes, going to bonfires. i miss coming home with a delightful and satisfying headache, feeling sore all over simply from laughing too hard, my throat thrashed from histerics and smoke and my head swaying slightly from a poorly considered third beer. i miss the crew and the "night life" and the spontaneous poker games. im feeling satisfied and hopeful.
OCT
i have a wonderful boyfriend that i love dearly. i have the most supportive, fun, and caring friends. im taking fantastic classes and seldom have homework. im not distracted by drugs. my dad isnt doing beligerant things in the front yard. my mom is mellow, and my sister and i get along really well. i like socializing with the mira costans. i had a safe and rewarding summer vacation.
no, they shouldnt feel sorry for me, and they shouldnt respect me anymore than anyone else. i just wish theyd fucking believe me when i say that ive changed.
im just so tired. its only october, but i already need a break. i got lonely and depressed after school so i went to the park and cried and then self-medicated with homework. i started wondering what the point of reading or writing or doing anything, and then what the point of life was, and then my perspective just got too big. its a dismal place to store your conscious. i do everything right. i take my medication every day.
i just want my mother to be proud of me.
halloween costume: chris: wife beater; me: beaten wife. chad, josh, dante, kaelyn and magda and two other people i dont know met up at chris's and we went to tristas party in PV. it was mad fun. when we were driving through the hills, we came up one street and then saw from the top of the cliffs all the lights down below.
got breakfast at rocky cola then busted our asses and rode our bikes to culver city.
NOV
so, adam carolla is leaving loveline.
Tonight: kaeylin ali attilla josh christopher and myself ice skating in pv dinner at rocky cola fun shit.
broken social SCENE
nothings changing, except when i step out of your car i wont kiss you goodbye. it was fun while it lasted. …in only a matter of three days, everything changed. not better, not worse necessarily... just, in six months, you can really build a foundation around something, and when it deteriorates, its weird.
my constant is closer to neutral, now, and i feel healthier than i have in forever. but being at costa, its like being trapped in this ugly photo album, and im terrified of regressing because i can recognize the tiniest signs of me, in fact, regressing. putting off homework, complaining, distancing myself from others.
last night the [Jello and The Melvins] show was killer. very punkXrock. moshing and crowd surfing and even getting a little groped.
i had two really deep really great conversations today and by doing so, learned a lot about myself. im getting so much better at confiding.
…pounded some captain morgan spiced rum. and i said things i shouldnt have said and nearly strangled lindsey and cried a lot…nothing feels worse than self-hatered first thing on a sunday morning.
thanksgiving = buffet in vegas. i ate sushi.
she's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices, she's haunted by the voices of so many desires….(it was a casual thing…and it was fun.)
DEC
today i saw a transgender speak. today chris, kaelyn, lindsey and i all went to see josh play an open mic in redondo. it was fucking raaaaaaaadical. especially when the mic turned into a waffle cone and he did weezer covers. showed them regular fucks a thing-er two. casey hyde died in a car accident friday night. so the show last night was fun. i got hit in the ear and it really hurts. i also reached a whole new degree of punkness when i actually passed out. yeeeuh.
etc
etc
etc.