(no subject)
Why is it that late at night I only think about bad things? Why can't I use this time to analyze all the parts of my life that are really good. I have a group of really great friends that would do anything for me, I have a steady/stable/well paying job, a roof over my head, cloths on my back, a family who loves me as much as I love them, an awesome dog and a million other things I don't deserve. I'm still not happy. So much is missing, most of it is stuff that I don't need or don't deserve, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I just feel so empty most of the time. I used to feel this way in college. When Donnie was busy w/ school and Hayley was busy w/ whatever and I was just sitting alone at home, I would feel like I was a million miles away from everything and that no one even noticed I was gone, but it was always temporary, replaced by something else the minute the phone range. I feel like that all the time now, from when I get up to when I get to work to when I get in bed. I know that's crazy and not true, but it's how I feel. I feel like there is just a huge part missing from my life. I have a suspicion about what it might be, but I also worry that were I to have that element readily available, things still wouldn't be right. I'm a firm believer in the logic that we can only make ourselves happy or unhappy. I believe that with every breath in my body, I just have no idea about what direction I should be moving in. I don't know where I should be focusing my passion, my life has no real direction, I live day to day, and that's not as it was intended. We should all have some passion, some drive, some motivation for the life we live. It may be our spouse or our child or profession or art work, but we should all have something and I just don't right now. I think that may be the real root of this feeling that I just can't seem to shake.
I feel so defeated.
I feel so defeated.