(no subject)
I can't sleep.
My brain just won't shut up. I figure I can quell it by writing everything I'm thinking.
This will be quite possibly the longest post ever posted, or maybe not, I might stop caring in the middle. I might offend some of you, and if so, I'm sorry.
My first problem, and this is recurring, is that everybody has skeletons in their closets. While that thought doesn't bother me, reminders of others' is what does. Being bored and peeking around on the internet can really ruin one's day. I believe in everything you say, and I trust you, but that doesn't mean I have to like thinking about it.
Secondly, I've got to say that being in a relationship is an amazing thing. It's nice a feeling when you recieve by giving. I've found a new side of me that I'd like to keep around. Not the bitter cold Wes that I once was, but the Wes that goes to the end of the world and back to make her happy and would do it a thousand times over if that's what she wanted. Everybody I talk to says I've gone too fast, and sometimes a little voice in my head tells me to chill out, because now my life is so completely structured around her that if it's gone, rebuilding will be one of the most difficult tasks ever attempted by man, but I just can't help it. I want everything to be perfect and the only way that will happen is by making them perfect.
Friends can really break your heart. I've got (had?) one that has decided that they basically need no one and nothing and that they're the best thing they'll ever find. The only thing I can do is wait until they've realized that we're all walking on crutches made of friends and family and love and memories and when they're gone we're nothing. Will i take them back then? I don't know, I really don't.
Not having a job is nice, and not relying so heavily on moeny is also nice. My mother keeps harassing me to get a job, but I really don't want to. I'm enjoying doing whatever I want, whenever I want and not having to schedule things around work.
The reasons I was looking forward to Diego breaking up certainly are nice, but I need something musical again. I have a lot of ideas and have worked on a lot of things, but I really don't know just what the hell I'm doing.
When it comes to moving, especially after today (we found THE PERFECT HOUSE), I don't know how to feel. Our house is beautiful, the area is nice and I get to be close to the school I ultimately intend on attending. My friends will all be over 40 miles away from me, and while I know that I'm the last person that has to worry about making new friends or not, I can't help but feel that the friends I have are my friends for a reason, and that replacing them isn't the smartest option. I try not to think about the distance, and I just focus on the fact that Diana and I will be super close to each other.
Speaking of friends, I really feel "out of the loop." Maybe it's just some stupid lack of self esteem caused by some 7th grade locker room scene or something, but I can't help but notice that the friends of mine that I think (thought?) are truly closest to me don't really try to include me in their lives. I mean sure, we hang out and talk all the time, but I have to find out through other people what's really going on with them. Only after I try to talk to them about those things do they decide to talk about it. Maybe I'm doing something wrong?
A lot of things from my own past have been resurfacing and I feel trapped. I feel like I'm fighting off all these horrible things and I have no one to turn to because all the friends I have now I have not let into my past because it's difficult for me to talk about. There's a lot of things I tell, but a lot of things I don't, and for good reason.
I'm really tired of manipulators. People who decide that they like or don't like something for some reason and then get all of their friends to feel taht way too. Being treated poorly because of some outside, third party, not-very-important-to-this-situation thing's influence is fucking killing me. Because they don't like it, must you not too? This leads me to another subject:
I really wish that people could juist be okay with themselves, but, more importantly, okay with the fact taht other people are different. I have chosen a path, I know waht I want and I know how and when and why I'll get it. I know I won't fail because I've set things up so I will not fail. I don't see why my own non-selfish, non-offensive, non-anything plans are such a big deal to everybody. Just fucking let me do what I fucking want to do okay? If you don't agree, don't be a part of it. Unless I am being unbelievably stupid or self-destructive, LEAVE ME ALONE!!
"No matter where I am in this world, I know exactly where I'll stand." -Ray Cappo
Lastly, if something's bothering you to the point where you're going to make a secret but not so secret internet post about it, talk about it to the people who should be talked to about it, and solve it. Don't act like it's nothing when it's something and don't make your posts to make yourself seem like some weak victim when we're all here trying to help and you just don't accept it. It's one thing to have nobody and feel that way, but when somebody who loves you is sitting here begging you to let them help you, what are you doing? Begging for attention on the internet is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
I am very confused.
If I'm being an asshole, if you agree, or if you don't care about any of this, please, let me know.
I just need some people's feedback to see just what the hell I'm doing.
My brain just won't shut up. I figure I can quell it by writing everything I'm thinking.
This will be quite possibly the longest post ever posted, or maybe not, I might stop caring in the middle. I might offend some of you, and if so, I'm sorry.
My first problem, and this is recurring, is that everybody has skeletons in their closets. While that thought doesn't bother me, reminders of others' is what does. Being bored and peeking around on the internet can really ruin one's day. I believe in everything you say, and I trust you, but that doesn't mean I have to like thinking about it.
Secondly, I've got to say that being in a relationship is an amazing thing. It's nice a feeling when you recieve by giving. I've found a new side of me that I'd like to keep around. Not the bitter cold Wes that I once was, but the Wes that goes to the end of the world and back to make her happy and would do it a thousand times over if that's what she wanted. Everybody I talk to says I've gone too fast, and sometimes a little voice in my head tells me to chill out, because now my life is so completely structured around her that if it's gone, rebuilding will be one of the most difficult tasks ever attempted by man, but I just can't help it. I want everything to be perfect and the only way that will happen is by making them perfect.
Friends can really break your heart. I've got (had?) one that has decided that they basically need no one and nothing and that they're the best thing they'll ever find. The only thing I can do is wait until they've realized that we're all walking on crutches made of friends and family and love and memories and when they're gone we're nothing. Will i take them back then? I don't know, I really don't.
Not having a job is nice, and not relying so heavily on moeny is also nice. My mother keeps harassing me to get a job, but I really don't want to. I'm enjoying doing whatever I want, whenever I want and not having to schedule things around work.
The reasons I was looking forward to Diego breaking up certainly are nice, but I need something musical again. I have a lot of ideas and have worked on a lot of things, but I really don't know just what the hell I'm doing.
When it comes to moving, especially after today (we found THE PERFECT HOUSE), I don't know how to feel. Our house is beautiful, the area is nice and I get to be close to the school I ultimately intend on attending. My friends will all be over 40 miles away from me, and while I know that I'm the last person that has to worry about making new friends or not, I can't help but feel that the friends I have are my friends for a reason, and that replacing them isn't the smartest option. I try not to think about the distance, and I just focus on the fact that Diana and I will be super close to each other.
Speaking of friends, I really feel "out of the loop." Maybe it's just some stupid lack of self esteem caused by some 7th grade locker room scene or something, but I can't help but notice that the friends of mine that I think (thought?) are truly closest to me don't really try to include me in their lives. I mean sure, we hang out and talk all the time, but I have to find out through other people what's really going on with them. Only after I try to talk to them about those things do they decide to talk about it. Maybe I'm doing something wrong?
A lot of things from my own past have been resurfacing and I feel trapped. I feel like I'm fighting off all these horrible things and I have no one to turn to because all the friends I have now I have not let into my past because it's difficult for me to talk about. There's a lot of things I tell, but a lot of things I don't, and for good reason.
I'm really tired of manipulators. People who decide that they like or don't like something for some reason and then get all of their friends to feel taht way too. Being treated poorly because of some outside, third party, not-very-important-to-this-situation thing's influence is fucking killing me. Because they don't like it, must you not too? This leads me to another subject:
I really wish that people could juist be okay with themselves, but, more importantly, okay with the fact taht other people are different. I have chosen a path, I know waht I want and I know how and when and why I'll get it. I know I won't fail because I've set things up so I will not fail. I don't see why my own non-selfish, non-offensive, non-anything plans are such a big deal to everybody. Just fucking let me do what I fucking want to do okay? If you don't agree, don't be a part of it. Unless I am being unbelievably stupid or self-destructive, LEAVE ME ALONE!!
"No matter where I am in this world, I know exactly where I'll stand." -Ray Cappo
Lastly, if something's bothering you to the point where you're going to make a secret but not so secret internet post about it, talk about it to the people who should be talked to about it, and solve it. Don't act like it's nothing when it's something and don't make your posts to make yourself seem like some weak victim when we're all here trying to help and you just don't accept it. It's one thing to have nobody and feel that way, but when somebody who loves you is sitting here begging you to let them help you, what are you doing? Begging for attention on the internet is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
I am very confused.
If I'm being an asshole, if you agree, or if you don't care about any of this, please, let me know.
I just need some people's feedback to see just what the hell I'm doing.