(no subject)
I remember when it was so easy for me to open up to whomever would listen and the best part about that was I would leave every open ear on the edge of their seat because they were so interested in what I had to say. Lately, for some weird, unknown reason, verbally I haven't been able to put my words in a way where anyone can really understand the depth of whatever comes out of my mouth. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore and to be completely honest, I don't like that. I've put myself in some weird, little hole where I'm surrounded by the feeling of loneliness and self-doubt. In a way, I'm only trying to make myself stronger. I know that I need this because I've always been so dependent on the person who was closest to me at the time and I really need to stray away from that. But fuck, I really need someone right now. I can't turn to my so-called "boyfriend" because he's still on such a tight leash with his mom and I can't ever see him. I can't turn to my family because everything that's been going on has everything to do with them. I have such close, caring, and above all unconditional loving friends who I don't even want to go to because I don't want the first time for me to actually call them in months be because I can't handle my life right now. I don't want to hear people I'm not very close to say that they'll be here for me if I need it, either. I want to talk to someone who already knows the whole god damn story because I don't feel like telling it again and again and again. Usually I just say "I need something new! Someone plan a road trip with meeee." but I can't do that this time. Plus I realized I do too fuckin' much for everyone I care about. If I really fuckin love someone I always go over the top, out of my way to do anything I can to help cheer them up, make them smile, or feel like they're not alone with this, and for some reason the people I do this for won't give me the same. I'm exhausted, I'm accidentally belligerent, and I don't remember the last time I went to bed without crying myself to sleep. Life can fuckin suck it, I'm so over everything right now.