You always used to stay within arms reach.now it seems im all by myself.
hello journal.
im pretending im fine when im really not. im fooling the whole world. im tricking them.
& they're believing me. i try not to be such a fake sometimes, ill admit it, im a fake. but is it really fake when you do it for the better? when you're trying to look on the brighter sides of things? i really dont know anymore. in school, ive been horrible, simply horrible. im a bitch, i dont listen, i dont do my work, i dont know whats wrong with me. i used to be so good in school. good grades, good behavior, everything. now it seems that i cant go a day without getting a detention/asd. i feel so useless, such a waste of a girl. im not accomplishing anything, not doing what im supposed to. i like this destruction feeling, this rebellious thing. not knowing whats going to happen next. im starting to like sitting on the edge of the chair and falling face foward,because i know that i will catch myself, but no, i just let myself go. i dont want to admit this, but if i said i didnt like the fucking feeling, it would be a goddamn lie.
im mulilating myself, for the fun of it. piercing EVERYTHING. im a human cheese grader. haha. i havent really been home, ive been with my girls becky && lyndsey all week. getting off @ their house && everything. i went to the mall on friday with them, saw people & stuff. lyndsey ended up getting sick, & yeah, it was just me & becky all weekend. we did some crazy shit.yeah, we're out of control. i had dentention yesterday with my french teacher & yeah, whatever, i invited all my friends in there, it was alright, i guess. i skipped a detention today, because basically, i dont care anymore.however, i have an asd tomorrow from 1:40-4:00 or something like that, and then one the day after. thank god i have it with becky , because id probably hang myself from the blinds in the classroom. i cant skip them, although id like to , because i would get iss, which is more worse then having oss or any dention. you actually have to be in school so im going to take my ipod & chill there for a couple hours or so.i just got off the phone with my best friend, i really miss seeing her. its probably one of the things that gets me through my day, being able to talk to my best friend before/after she goes to dance everyday. even one minute is fine, i dont care. she is honestly one of the 3 people in my life i can say i miss.yesterday my dad quit smoking[blah.idcidc=/] so hes been IRRITABLE.screaming @ me for every little thing. hes pretty much becoming my mom. hes acting kinda like when hes drunk, so i dont want to see him for awhile.i dont want to be reminded of that again. i ACTUALLY got to see cynthia yesterday, which i was really happy about, even though it was like for 20 minutes? not even. i havent seen her outside of school in ages. all my friends cant see me anymore & that upsets me. i like how im jumping from subject to subject. i dont even care. its not like anyones going to read/understand it anyways, no one really cares. i just need something to type fast & let anger out with. & this seems to be somewhat helpful.ive been alright with some enemies lately, but some have stayed that way. i dont like having enemies, but to me, i feel as if you need some. there are just some people that get on my nerves once i look at them or see their body language. it just annoys me. or the fact that im blamed for alot of things that i have not done. im just sick of it. im sick of being blamed for everything everything everything. so much pressure is put on me about absolutely nothing and thats why i blow up on people sometimes. i have no tolerance for certain people.they're just wasting their time telling me about their problems. im sorry , but i cant help you; apparently,i have problems of my own.the only times that i am happy is when intoxicated, laying in my bed, having a calm, pointless, & thoughless conversation with someone who pretty much doesnt want to talk to me anymore, because i know i will never get that chance again.everyday i cant wait to go to bed, i like to dream, i really do. i like staring at the walls after turning off the tv, thinking about everything, watching the world pass me by, knowing that its not going to stop no matter what i dream. i can dream anything, thats the beauty of it. everything in your mind can never be seen/heard by anyone. its yours. your thoughts. no one can take that away from you.
i dont like this feeling of being sick, i want this to stop. so i can actually enjoy everything i appreciate without anything getting in its way.
i have to be going, i dont want to keep rambling.
love,
noel.
[pictures that i thought, idk. just, pictures.]
well, i guess its fun to pretend.
wtf is under my arm?
me&my best friend.
<3
theres way more but im just a really lazy fuck , to tell you the truth.