(no subject)
so, today is a laundry day. and i am working to clean up the room so when larkin returns, its all clean and waiting for her. man, do i miss that girl.
i decided just a few minutes ago, upon looking at my picture of clark gable and vivian leigh, that despite what my feminist books, magazines, inner self provides, i really do believe in love, and some of its romantic notions. i, however, don't know how someone so unconventional as myself will ever be able to hold up her side of a conventional relationship. that's like putting tuna and peanut butter together. it just doesn't work.
78.5 pills later, the bronchitis is clearing up. i feel hopeful and expectant today. i want to roll down a hill and laugh at my little brothers. i've missed a lot of classes. a lot. so much so, i don't want to go back for fear that my professors hate me. but, i have been sick. i have lots of doctors notes. but i still feel that is not enough.
i must cut myself some slack this semester. last week, i was a mess at this time- crying about money and grades and boys and girls and life. telling my dad, who was trying to give me money and comfort me at the same time, that i didn't need his help and to leave me alone. and not five minutes after, feeling like the worst human being alive. i love my parents. i love my friends. i love people who don't love or even like me back. i love life. and the world and it's possibilities and all that i will and won't see and will and won't help and even the evil people. i love them. god has placed this undeniable love of life in my heart this afternoon, after i woke up, and i will stick to it until i feel he wants me to have a change of heart.
i miss paul. there is no denying that. i miss anna. i wish i could watch her grow. same with paul. growth is a miraculous event, and should be celebrated, heavily. i miss liz, although liz hates me now. i miss ncveg, and being apart of that movement, but i cut that off on my own. i miss micah. i miss david. i miss josh. i miss ryan. i miss trey. i miss rachel. i miss ben and the twins and helen even though i am hated by all of them too. i miss liam. i miss my dog. i miss the fellowship i felt the scene provided- and i entered right when it was all ending. how sad that is. i miss summer, even though it wasn't that fun- it was sunny, and warm, and i cooked, and wore skirts. i miss megan. i wish she and stupid amanda weren't hanging out, but there is nothing i can do to prevent that now. the ball is in her court. whatever the hell that means.
i'm rambling. i believe my clothes are ready to be thrown in the dryer.. and i need to take more medicine.
i'm going to find a gotdamn hill.
i decided just a few minutes ago, upon looking at my picture of clark gable and vivian leigh, that despite what my feminist books, magazines, inner self provides, i really do believe in love, and some of its romantic notions. i, however, don't know how someone so unconventional as myself will ever be able to hold up her side of a conventional relationship. that's like putting tuna and peanut butter together. it just doesn't work.
78.5 pills later, the bronchitis is clearing up. i feel hopeful and expectant today. i want to roll down a hill and laugh at my little brothers. i've missed a lot of classes. a lot. so much so, i don't want to go back for fear that my professors hate me. but, i have been sick. i have lots of doctors notes. but i still feel that is not enough.
i must cut myself some slack this semester. last week, i was a mess at this time- crying about money and grades and boys and girls and life. telling my dad, who was trying to give me money and comfort me at the same time, that i didn't need his help and to leave me alone. and not five minutes after, feeling like the worst human being alive. i love my parents. i love my friends. i love people who don't love or even like me back. i love life. and the world and it's possibilities and all that i will and won't see and will and won't help and even the evil people. i love them. god has placed this undeniable love of life in my heart this afternoon, after i woke up, and i will stick to it until i feel he wants me to have a change of heart.
i miss paul. there is no denying that. i miss anna. i wish i could watch her grow. same with paul. growth is a miraculous event, and should be celebrated, heavily. i miss liz, although liz hates me now. i miss ncveg, and being apart of that movement, but i cut that off on my own. i miss micah. i miss david. i miss josh. i miss ryan. i miss trey. i miss rachel. i miss ben and the twins and helen even though i am hated by all of them too. i miss liam. i miss my dog. i miss the fellowship i felt the scene provided- and i entered right when it was all ending. how sad that is. i miss summer, even though it wasn't that fun- it was sunny, and warm, and i cooked, and wore skirts. i miss megan. i wish she and stupid amanda weren't hanging out, but there is nothing i can do to prevent that now. the ball is in her court. whatever the hell that means.
i'm rambling. i believe my clothes are ready to be thrown in the dryer.. and i need to take more medicine.
i'm going to find a gotdamn hill.