Some of my favorite quotes...
So I'm bored & I keep laughing at all these stupid quotes and I don't feel like making a post about my life sooo here's a list of funny thingsss.
- Here's an example of a woman who was too optimistic with me recently. I was walking by a shoe store, and I looked in the window, and I see a pair of boots that I want in my life, OK so I walk in and I say to the women working there "Hi, excuse me. Hey, do you have these boots in a 12?" this is what she does, she looks at me very optimistically and goes "ummm let me take a peek" That's what she said by the way, "let me take a peek" I'm like "yeah while you're at it, look around don't just glimpse, I want these boots..move a box if you have to" She goes into the back, when she comes out shes super optimistic and shes holding a boot she walks right up to me and says '..we have it in a 9!!' "Really? do you guys also have a bone saw anywhere near by? Tell you what, just run at me really fast and jam that sucker right on my hoof. Do you guys have a time machine to send me back to the 7th grade when those fit my feet?"- Dane Cook
- It doesn't matter where you are in the country, why is it that every time you walk into a public bathroom everything is so fucking wet?- Dane Cook
- Monopoly, there's a game. Everyone had it, no one liked it- even if you thought you liked the game you didn't. And it's simple, why? Because I know everyone in the room had been in this situation- 2 and a half hours into the game you're like, "FUCK THIS GAME!! it's four in the morning, grandma, YOU WIN!!" - Dane Cook
- The Kool-Aid man- all the kids would drink out of him, after all the debris fell into his open, dumb head. He was like, "Oh yeahhhhhh!" and I was like, "Oh noooo! You fix that wall before my dad comes home because he's not going to believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came through here!" -Dane Cook
- I didn't want to call it Burger King either so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "where do you work?" I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge, I'm a bouncer at the BK Lounge." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups, not without coups baby."- Dane Cook
- I have one brother, five sisters. Dude, I had to wear a fucking tampon just to fit in!- Dane Cook
- I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"- Dane Cook
- No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst.. when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you know, you're like at a pool party or something... "I'm gonna go in the deep end, watch my dive. Watch my dive." Right, and then you dive in. And the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Ohhh! Jesus Christ, Timmy! Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!.. Your son almost killed me with his uh, Daffy Duck raft over here, John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool.. Float away from me! Float away!- Dane Cook
- In the year 3000, everything will be instant. But the DMV will still take like 9 fuckin' seconds. 9 SECONDS? COME ON!!! I GOTTA BE AT WORK IN 3 SECONDS!!!- Dane Cook
- I had that game Operation, remember that game Operation? Big naked white guy. He had no pee-pee at all,he had no p-cock, no scromdiliomcious, he had no cash and prizes. He was like that guy from that movie Silence of the Lambs, remember he tucked it in?- Dane Cook
- I haven't seen a good horror movie in a long time. When we were kids movies were SCARY. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain...I'm lathering one side at a time.- Dane Cook
- See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it- Mitch Hedberg
- I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."
- I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still..get up there.
- I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
- I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you
- When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut-end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend-"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut-I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for doughnut."
- People used to think I was hiiigh on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, That guy eats cake. He is on bundt cake. Mothers would say to their daughters, Dont bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smell like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?
- I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
- I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
- On a stop light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?!?'
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.
- The other day I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn't start loading shit into a truck.
- One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"
- I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
- I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole."
- I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's ALWAYS on time!
- Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
- I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
- “Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”
- “I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”