(no subject)
today is the first day, in almost 2 weeks that i've had 5 minutes to spare. i dont even, i'm just updating because my mind is so full.. even though i'm sure i wont say much.
i desperately want something to be wrong with me, but that would never work because then i'd just have more to do and.. i dont want to be the cause of all my problems. i'm so stressed out that i make myself sick almost every time i get into a fight with someone, get sad or even eat. i make myself guilty and so sick that i can't even breathe. maybe i give myself panic attacks or maybe i'm just psycho. theres nothing i can do about though. people can give me their opinion all they want.. your not fat, your retarded. i just can't help it.. i've been obsessed with my weight ever since i was in 6th grade. it's something to control and i always look for something else.
i have no idea who i am.. well i do, but theres still huge questions in my head.. that are always left undecided... i dont know what i like.. who i like, i dont even know what fucking gender. i just can't stand no knowing for sure. i dont even know how much i mean what i'm saying, well actually i just deny things i dont know. which goes back to me just rambling on about nothing whatsoever. sorry that this entry has no form or point or anything. i can't organize my mind and sort out what i want to say from what i dont.
i'm sick of fighting and i'm sick of trying. i'm always miserable and i have no motivation to do anything anymore. its like all my energy has been drained out of me. i envy people who actually have time to see their boyfriends or talk on the phone.. or just go outside and breathe. i dont have time to do the things i love and the things that help me cope anymore. its ridiculous. i'm always helping someone else or doing something i've been previously committed to. i can't stand it. & i'm the worst at coping with anything.. i really have no idea how i'm going to survive once high schools out. i'm going to give myself an ulcer by the time i'm 16 i'm sure. i just want to get idk.. fucked up and just relax. that wont happen though.
i desperately want something to be wrong with me, but that would never work because then i'd just have more to do and.. i dont want to be the cause of all my problems. i'm so stressed out that i make myself sick almost every time i get into a fight with someone, get sad or even eat. i make myself guilty and so sick that i can't even breathe. maybe i give myself panic attacks or maybe i'm just psycho. theres nothing i can do about though. people can give me their opinion all they want.. your not fat, your retarded. i just can't help it.. i've been obsessed with my weight ever since i was in 6th grade. it's something to control and i always look for something else.
i have no idea who i am.. well i do, but theres still huge questions in my head.. that are always left undecided... i dont know what i like.. who i like, i dont even know what fucking gender. i just can't stand no knowing for sure. i dont even know how much i mean what i'm saying, well actually i just deny things i dont know. which goes back to me just rambling on about nothing whatsoever. sorry that this entry has no form or point or anything. i can't organize my mind and sort out what i want to say from what i dont.
i'm sick of fighting and i'm sick of trying. i'm always miserable and i have no motivation to do anything anymore. its like all my energy has been drained out of me. i envy people who actually have time to see their boyfriends or talk on the phone.. or just go outside and breathe. i dont have time to do the things i love and the things that help me cope anymore. its ridiculous. i'm always helping someone else or doing something i've been previously committed to. i can't stand it. & i'm the worst at coping with anything.. i really have no idea how i'm going to survive once high schools out. i'm going to give myself an ulcer by the time i'm 16 i'm sure. i just want to get idk.. fucked up and just relax. that wont happen though.