(no subject)
I'm writing here because I want to write this somewhere "public" and facebook seems to like deleting my notes.
I do this every so often.
I worry too much. Every time I write something I feel like it isn't any good. That there is something missing in it that everything I'd ever written before had. And I'd lost it. But later on I read something I write and see and feel that very thing I thought I'd lost. And I feel that now. I will always feel that. I will always doubt myself and I will never be good enough. And that's such an awful thing to feel.
My mind continues to blur. From time to time I see a very faint clear line in between all the blur and I know that that is where I want to be. It goes away. I can't keep it there.
This new medication works a lot better I think. Except it causes my muscles to restrict and contract. My back muscles are constantly strained. They pull on my ribcage. It always hurts. I don't know if its worth it but is anything ever really worth anything else. Picking poison. All this hype and stress over staying healthy and alive. We're going to die no matter what we do. I think if we didn't worry so much about how to live we'd live a lot better than we do. But that is the tragic flaw of the human condition. We think. And it ruins us. Its beautiful.
I've lost some weight. I've lost 10 pounds. My pants are loose. This means I have to buy new clothes. I'm not really excited about it. I'm tired of spending money. But I do like clothes.
I was with Ted yesterday and he wanted me to walk from the restaurant to the theatre and I was in heels and I said "Ted, heels are not meant to be walked in." And its true. They're meant to be seen in. Not walked in. Like nice lingerie. Is not intended to be worn its intended to be taken off. I like that.
I'm so tired. I have a lot of free time that I could use to do something. And in my free time I think of all these wonderful things that I could be doing. But I don't. I sleep or I listen to music or I start to read a book or I start to write a song or a poem or I start to apply to volunteer. But I don't. I can't wait for school. Because then I won't have spare time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I thrive when I don't have time to remember myself. I like to forget myself. It makes me feel amazing. I wonder if other people feel like that when they don't think about me too.
I do this every so often.
I worry too much. Every time I write something I feel like it isn't any good. That there is something missing in it that everything I'd ever written before had. And I'd lost it. But later on I read something I write and see and feel that very thing I thought I'd lost. And I feel that now. I will always feel that. I will always doubt myself and I will never be good enough. And that's such an awful thing to feel.
My mind continues to blur. From time to time I see a very faint clear line in between all the blur and I know that that is where I want to be. It goes away. I can't keep it there.
This new medication works a lot better I think. Except it causes my muscles to restrict and contract. My back muscles are constantly strained. They pull on my ribcage. It always hurts. I don't know if its worth it but is anything ever really worth anything else. Picking poison. All this hype and stress over staying healthy and alive. We're going to die no matter what we do. I think if we didn't worry so much about how to live we'd live a lot better than we do. But that is the tragic flaw of the human condition. We think. And it ruins us. Its beautiful.
I've lost some weight. I've lost 10 pounds. My pants are loose. This means I have to buy new clothes. I'm not really excited about it. I'm tired of spending money. But I do like clothes.
I was with Ted yesterday and he wanted me to walk from the restaurant to the theatre and I was in heels and I said "Ted, heels are not meant to be walked in." And its true. They're meant to be seen in. Not walked in. Like nice lingerie. Is not intended to be worn its intended to be taken off. I like that.
I'm so tired. I have a lot of free time that I could use to do something. And in my free time I think of all these wonderful things that I could be doing. But I don't. I sleep or I listen to music or I start to read a book or I start to write a song or a poem or I start to apply to volunteer. But I don't. I can't wait for school. Because then I won't have spare time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I thrive when I don't have time to remember myself. I like to forget myself. It makes me feel amazing. I wonder if other people feel like that when they don't think about me too.