smoke beneath the playground lights
empty rooms are deafening.
flood gates are easily opened.
and as my thoughts can deprive me of oxygen
half of me revels in the rawness
the other half wonders why i can ensnare myself in chains of thought.
i don't want to turn twenty. the word itself makes me grimace, wince, scoff, and roll my eyes with a sharp exhale all in a tightly wound care package.
i had a cigarette tonight.
i started thinking about my background too heavily.
i wonder if they wonder like i wonder.
about where i am. who i am. what i'm doing.
there isn't a fucking hour that i don't think about my parents.
i came out of someone. i'm the result of two people being together.
i try to picture the scene in my head.
was it love?
strangers?
maybe she was drunk.
maybe it was forced.
maybe it was a mistake.
maybe it was expected.
maybe it was fate.
maybe i was a second away from being an abortion.
maybe i should stop.
my mouth can be a broken record.
others can point this out
but i fool myself into thinking its my favorite song.
or that something will be different in the next time i hear it.
i want your arms around me, your fingers in my hair, &your breath on my neck. i feel guilty missing you after a space of 22 hours.
i really wish i wasn't alone right now.
i wish i wasn't such a mess.
flood gates are easily opened.
and as my thoughts can deprive me of oxygen
half of me revels in the rawness
the other half wonders why i can ensnare myself in chains of thought.
i don't want to turn twenty. the word itself makes me grimace, wince, scoff, and roll my eyes with a sharp exhale all in a tightly wound care package.
i had a cigarette tonight.
i started thinking about my background too heavily.
i wonder if they wonder like i wonder.
about where i am. who i am. what i'm doing.
there isn't a fucking hour that i don't think about my parents.
i came out of someone. i'm the result of two people being together.
i try to picture the scene in my head.
was it love?
strangers?
maybe she was drunk.
maybe it was forced.
maybe it was a mistake.
maybe it was expected.
maybe it was fate.
maybe i was a second away from being an abortion.
maybe i should stop.
my mouth can be a broken record.
others can point this out
but i fool myself into thinking its my favorite song.
or that something will be different in the next time i hear it.
i want your arms around me, your fingers in my hair, &your breath on my neck. i feel guilty missing you after a space of 22 hours.
i really wish i wasn't alone right now.
i wish i wasn't such a mess.