i've got it bad...
OH LIFE. Journal, where should I begin to bring you all up to date? Complete and brutal honesty would probably work best. That said, let's begin with the end of freshman year. Basically, I made it through. I had scrapes with roommates, fake friendships and real ones, nights spent wasted at bars, and continued my trend of looking for love in all the wrong places. I didn't miss too many classes and maintained a commendable GPA. But something was missing. I was functioning; I was normal; but I was incomplete.
Freshman year, end scene. Summer back on Long Island. Missing Albany but realizing I didn't make that many concrete friendships there. Working at Applebee's again, still heartbroken because things with Mike did not improve. I thought that coming home would bring us back to where we were last summer, before I left, before the distance between us meant more than just three hundred miles. We stopped talking. I was relieved. I was working, clubbing, hanging out with friends; I was happy.
Enter Joseph. Fellow waiter at Applebee's, not the kind of guy you notice right away, but we got along really well. Spend a week of nights staying at the bar until the sun came up, talking so much about everything and anything that the ice melted in our drinks. He was a recent college graduate of Farleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey, president of his fraternity, grew up in Saratoga Springs, now living with his grandmother on Long Island. He was older than me, seemed so funny and interesting, we became a couple. Cue the standard summer love scenario: beach trips, picnic lunches, bar nights, and that sweet smell in the air that makes everything seem magical.
One month later he left. July 17, 2008. For Las Lenas Argentina, not to come home until September 23rd. The day before his 24th birthday. I would still be 19, back at school in Albany and working on my sophomore year. It seemed like the right place for us end.
He told me he loved me the night before he left. He asked me to wait for him to come back, to promise that if it could work, that we would pick up right where we had left off. I loved him. I agreed.
Life's not a fairy tale.
I was heartbroken, he was gone. I realized that I hadn't seen my friends since I met him. He had taken up all of my time. I was heartbroken, he was gone, and I was alone.
Three weeks later, Joseph came home. He said he missed me so much and that Las Lenas wasn't what he expected it to be, he had grown tired and bored of life there and wanted to come home. He had a black eye and cuts on his arms. He said he left because he loved me, he wanted to be with me. I believed him.
I never did find out the real reason he left. I don't care to know anymore. It stings still to this day that I did not even question him at the time. I didn't see it for months later, when someone else pointed it out to me. I was completely blind.
He whisked me away to Newport, Rhode Island, for the most romantic weekend of my life. Vineyard tours and endless bottles of wine, shopping on Bellevue Avenue, the Vanderbilt Estate, sunset cruises, dinner at shoreline restaurants. I can't blame myself for getting swept away.
Summer 2008, end scene. Joseph moved back in with his mother in Saratoga to be closer to me, but we were still an hour away from each other. Still, we were determined to make it work. I was taking 18 credits and got a job waiting tables at a Johnny Rockets in Albany, where I am still currently employed. Joseph took a job teaching construction classes at Adirondack Community College, and worked as a waiter and a bartender at an upscale steakhouse in downtown Saratoga. No matter what our schedules were, we still saw each other at least five times a week. That was the rule. We couldn't not see each other; it would destroy our relationship. So we saw each other at least five times a week.
We were going to get married one day, right after I graduated. I wasn't allowed to wear a white dress, because religiously I couldn't. Off-white would do though, and would probably do better for my skin tone anyway. We would build a house in Saratoga County. We would have two, or maybe three, children. There's no way we were ever getting a cat. If we wanted a dog, it would have to live in the backyard and the garage, because pets mess up your house too much. Our wedding song was going to be "I Cross My Heart" by George Strait. The master bedroom would be on the first floor, with a private bathroom that had Jack and Jill sinks. We should each have our own cars (sedans), but we'd need a minivan as well to help cart the children around. I didn't make any of these decisions.
Joseph's grand romantic gestures and talent for smooth talking are what got the best of me. I can't believe I missed so many signs from the beginning. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys, especially ones he didn't know or didn't like or didn't approve of. I was so beautiful, I didn't need make-up. Why should I wear it? Especially if I didn't have plans with him -- who else do I need to impress? My natural look was wasted when I wore make-up. I wasn't allowed to do it.
I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. Things were so wonderful that summer; because we spent every moment together. We worked the same shifts, had plans for afterwards, and slept next to each other every night. He always knew where I was, what I was doing, who I was talking to, what I was saying, what I was wearing, what I had to eat, how many hours of sleep I had gotten, and how many times I ran my fingers through my hair. He was in control.
Girls who wear high heels look like such whores. Don't you agree? Low cut tops give the wrong impression. Don't you agree? You shouldn't drink soda or eat chocolate or anything else that isn't healthy, it's bad for your figure. Don't you agree? Talking to other men at bars gives off the wrong impression of a respectable girl in a serious relationship. Don't you agree? Going to bars at all makes it seem like you're available, it's disrespectful to your boyfriend. Don't you agree? Why should you put your mother as your emergency contact person? She is back home, your boyfriend is here, it makes sense to put him instead. Don't you agree? You don't have time for your friends or even your family anymore. Why do you need them? Isn't your boyfriend the most important person in your life? You can count on him for anything. You don't need anyone else. Don't you agree?
What happened over the next few months, I can't even begin to describe. My relationships at my job strengthened, and Joe was threatened. He did not like that I went to parties with my co-workers without him. He did not like that the guys I work with send me text messages asking what I was doing that night. I wasn't allowed to talk to them anymore. I shouldn't wear street clothes into work, why should they see me in anything that wasn't my uniform? Why did I need to be friends with them at all? Wasn't he enough for me? He was trying so hard. Why was I doing this to him? Couldn't I just quit? I didn't need that place, I had him.
I wouldn't quit, and I wouldn't stop talking to Adam. Joseph hated him. And although I didn't realize it until more than a month later, I was falling in love with him.
I can't defend hanging out with Adam behind Joe's back. It was wrong of me. Even if Joe was wrong to be so controlling, I still went behind my boyfriend's back. When Joe and I broke up, it was because he came to surprise me at my dorm and Adam was there, watching a movie with my roommate and I.
You can imagine what happened that night. Broken picture frames, screaming obscenities, thrown punches. That was the only time Joe ever actually shoved me, and even if it was just to move me out of the way to keep hitting Adam, it was still enough. We were over. He took his things, he left. We broke up, and the blame was on me.
That's when I realized that something of that magnitude needed to happen. Joseph never let me walk away on my own accord. If we ever fought, it was never him who sought forgiveness. He always made it so that I came running back to him, but cutting down my self esteem to mere shreds and making me feel like I had thrown away the only person who could ever know "the real me" and still care.
That scenario will forever play in my mind. This man, who I had known less than two months, putting himself in harms way so I wouldn't have to hurt. Taking hits and holding back from retaliating because he knew it would hurt me more than being hit. This man, whom Joe had portrayed as the enemy of our relationship, was defending me from the person who scared me the most: my boyfriend. My fiance. The man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And then I snapped out of it. I gave Joseph his stuff and told him to leave. I didn't yell, I didn't scream. I didn't even care. I just wanted him gone. And so he left.
I know now that none of it was real. Joseph didn't love me. He needed me to be someone I wasn't, someone submissive and obedient, who answered to him and only to him, to fit into the mold of someone he had created in his mind. I couldn't do it, and I won't hold it against myself. I know that I did not handle the situation in the most mature or moral way, but I don't regret a single thing.
Because it led me to the one person who loves me for who I am, and doesn't need me to change. He doesn't pretend that my faults don't exist, or ask me to change my behavior to better suit his preferences. He loves me. He fell in love with me at my worst. He deserves me at my best. And he was willing to wait for it, to fight for it, to do whatever it took.
I am in love with Adam Miller. It is the realest love I have ever known. It is exciting and comfortable. It is thrilling and reassuring. It has genuine potential. It could be forever, if we let it. We know that there are no guarantees, but we both want this more than anything. We are in it together, we are equals, partners, lovers. He makes me feel beautiful at when I am at my best and so much more when I am at my worst. We have so much in common and can share our interests with each other. When I'm around him, smiling feels as natural as breathing. We talk about things. And I mean really talk, not just string words together. We let our tempers and our emotions get the best of us and apologize for it later. We work it out. It's going great, and getting better every day.
"Perfection is defined when your heart beats next to mine, and time stands still for us."
He is really amazing. He has interests, he has friends, he has his own life, and he wants to share it with me. He doesn't want to control my life. I don't feel pressured to make sure he's the absolute biggest part of my life, because we both know that we are so important to each other. He can make me laugh when I can't find a reason to smile. When he holds me in his arms, or rests his hand on the small of my back, or my head finds that perfect place on his shoulder, the world could be falling apart around us and I wouldn't notice.
The downside: my anxiety is coming back. I've missed so many classes this semester. It started getting bad last semester but Joseph always insisted that there was nothing wrong, I wasn't slipping, I had to push through it. I wish I hadn't listened. I thought he had faith in me; he was only covering up a problem that he couldn't deal with. But it's back now.
After this semester, I am going to start going to school part time. If I had one or two less classes, I could manage everything. This isn't high school; there are other options. I could push myself to do things the conventional way (12-18 credits a semester, get good grades, have a job, be social) but I can't justify making myself as miserable and depressed as I was if there is even just one other way.
I'm going to lose my scholarship. I don't know if I'll be able to stay at Saint Rose because of this. I'll have to transfer somewhere; the real question is, do I stay up here and go to UAlbany or Hudson Valley, or should I go home and attend Hofstra or Adelphi or C.W. Post? I probably won't get scholarships as a transfer, especially if I enroll part time, which is why I hope to God I can convince my father to let me stay here. I was going to get an off-campus apartment anyway, but for now I've given up my spot on my lease because I'm not sure where I'll be ending up.
I want to move in with Adam. What I want desperately right now is to go to Saint Rose and live with him in a cozy two bedroom apartment and go to work every night and come home to sleep next to him. I know it's crazy. We haven't been dating even three months yet. I know that in theory I could wake up one day and not want to be with him anymore. But I feel so strongly that this day will not happen for a long long while, if it even ever does. What is the point of waiting?
To quote Jane Austen, "It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others."
The next few months will be full of big important decisions. The kind that can change your life forever. The kind that can put you on either the right or the wrong path to what you want. But I am the only person who can judge what path that is, and I hope my parents will have enough faith in me to make the right decision. I hope I have enough faith in me to make the right decision. Wherever I end up, Adam and I will work things out. He only has one semester left of school in Albany, and he is from Long Island as well. We might become separated by miles, but I know our hearts will never be too far apart.
I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm alive. I'm thankful.
Thanks for listening :)