(no subject)
i can't let this happen.
i can't, i can't, i can't.
i have to change it.
i have to.
but how?
as much as i want it to happen
(oh, and i do.)
i just can't let it, because ...it'd all end in tears & pain.
yes, ofcourse there is a chance that it'd work out, and happiness would be there.
but for the sake of everything and everyone involved, i just have to ...end it?
no..no..not end it. that's not needed, i don't think it ever will be. but, i think a better thing would be for me to slow down, before i hurtle myself too far, and fucking wreck and destroy everything. it's weird, as high as the risk of that happening, and as much as i could unintentionally ruin things for ever, i think that things are too strong to be ruined for too long a time. oh, of course things would be affected, there'd be changes for the worse, but, all in all, these people are way too strong to be deeply affected by this. even i could cope with it.
well, i've got ages to wait yet, i don't even have any idea how long, but i guess i have plenty of time to change, and slow down, i have to slow down. (i don't want to though). i have this feeling that if i make things happen, not "let it happen itself" then things will be okay.
just lately i don't know what to do with myself, or how to deal with situations or anything. but i think that's kinda odd, because if people ask me for help with a situation of theirs, i sometimes somehow manage to come up with a ...solution? .. or whatever is fitting. yet i can't deal with my own problems. *sigh* oh well.
i've been thinking ALOT in the past ...month or so. i think alot anyway, but this month in particular my little mind has been so busy with these incessant thoughts. most of them seem to be about the future, i think what triggered this was partly to do with me watching and reading alot about history, haha. other than that, there's a lot of things that are making me want to, and not want to think about the future. although it would be kinda nice to know at least one thing that will (100% likely) happen ..i mean, to know that the percentage would be 100, not that it already is, ahah. anyway, as much as i'd like to know, i REALLY wouldn't. it would just fuck things up so much to know, because then i'd go about changing things, and then..etc, yeah, you know what i mean. anywayyyy, what i was saying, is that i don't want to know the future. why the fuck would i? i have to make it happen myself. and besides, what would be the point in living if you knew what was going to happen? that'd be boring as eff. i'm known as a bit of a "psychic", but i feel that there's a difference between the things i see, and ..other things, really. i don't feel like explaining what i mean. haha, all this is reminding me of my gcses, and my r.e exam, we had to write about what we think about the future. say like, do we make it happen, or is it already planned? fuck i can't believe i wrote so much, i filled pages, and i couldn't stop writing..also we had to write about you know, of course religion and such...apart from my english exam, i can't believe i wrote so much.
sometimes i just can't stop. man it drives me crazy. as you can see, and if you talk to me, you'll know..that quite often i'll just not stop talking for ages. i'l just go on and on and on, and i'd say about 90% of what i say is just random babble. and of course, i can only talk so much with people that i feel like i can talk to, and people that are interesting and can actually have conversations with! not just like ..
"hi"
"hi"
"how are you?"
"i'm fine thanks. you?"
"i'm okay.."
(and the other person will just be silent or whatever for ages, and then nothing happens.)
haha.
i like to talk about ...well, anything really. just to be able to talk to someone with the same interests, someone that will actually talk back, make new and interesting points, to make that conversation go further on..etc etc..that's what talking is all about!
often i find that if i can't talk to a person for hours on end, or for even just a long time, then i end up hardly talking at all. and then i feel awkward, and think that the other person thinks i'm boring, and although they may not realise, all i want to do is talk. also, i wish people would just tell me to shup if i'm annoying or boring or whatever. you know, to get all the damn awkwardness out of the way, and get on with the talking, damnit.
saying all this, sometimes i really don't feel like talking at all. but i want someone to be there just incase i do decide i want to talk. haah.
so. what has also been on my mind a lot lately, is the mind. damn i find that sort of thing so interesting. always have.
i don't really feel like talking about that right now though, haha. and i was just on about all this talk malarkey.
okay, i want to type loaaads more, but i won't, as i'm sure no one will read this.
k.
one more thing which i feel the need to add. and makes me glad i hate maccas.
in the milford haven/haverfordwest mc.d's, seven different counts of semen were found in the mayo.
isn't that nice?!
ew.
and also i remember something about a dead rat in the chicken nuggets.
fuck.
oh,& taken from mademoiselle cassie:
post a memory of me.
it can be anything you want, just so long as it happened.
then post this to your journal.
see what people remember about you.