The less you change the more you feel

Jan 22, 2006 01:17

Tonight has made me realize something and made me contemplate somethings. Many people I consider friends are celebrating birthdays and getting drunk and merry. I hope they have a good time. One reason why I didn't go was because of my own self-consciousness. I didn't feel wanted or accepted. I felt like people just talk to me because I am the kid who just easier to say Hi to than to be mean too, because they never had a reason to really dislike me but just do. But their is more to why I didn't go than just that. I don't know if I want to share it at this moment, but maybe later on. In person or through the journal if you care to actually read it.

I almost got in a car wreck tonight. It was an exhilarating moment in life.

I have been watching a lot of anime again. I have been enjoying it, I have been playing the video games that make me smile. I think one night I am going to buy mountain-dew, dorritos, rent some video games and just go all night with some close friends. I have been doing a little bit of martial arts as well. I feel bad because of how rusty I have become in the art I was so talented in. The one thing I had to prove against others.

I remember when people nicknamed me Zero. Life was easy then.

I think I want to go back to Texas one more time. Just to take it all in, and see what it has become. Looking back at the memories I had then, I want to see the house I live in for 7 years of my childhood. The neighborhood I roamed in and claimed my own. The elementry school I dreaded. The rec center that I had my first dance at.

I think too much, and I worry too much. No one probably has even read this far. I think a lot of people skim LJ entries for their name and if their name is not there they do not care for it so much as if it did refrence them. But maybe I am just paranoid about false friendship and human greed.

People say I have changed a lot, but when I look into the mirror I still see the same 10year old boy who moved to Atlanta 8 years ago. the only thing that is different is I am older. I just wish I could be as careless as others. I don't think I have written a entry like this in a very long time, but it feels nice. I guess some people will see a little more of who I am than I let them in person.

I might not be around in public a lot for awhile. I still have a lot of inner-demons as we can put it that I need to deal with. I need to save myself. I do not want to go to therapy anymore, I feel like she judges me too much and that I can not trust her. I am going to tell my parent tomorrow about that I suppose.

I don't like hearing drama about me that is made up. I do not like people trying to destroy everything I am because they do not like me for some minor reason. They want to take everything away and I won't go out with a swing.
Previous post
Up