i'll have to run until the end.
until today, i'd always thought that even though last spring represents my darkest days it was the only time i really felt alive. but maybe thats not reality. the more i think about it, the more it seems the opposite.
it was like in chapel last week when we were watching that movie where the guy was trying to plant a tree in the sidewalk... i closed my eyes but as far as i was concerned i was still completely attentive. i was listening to what he was saying and in my mind i even made my own comments regarding the subject matter.
but it wasn't until the movie was over and i opened my eyes that i realized i'd been half asleep the entire time. i didn't remember anything about the film, about what the guy had said, or what i'd thought about it. so i just sat there, contemplating how sure i was of my own awareness, and how completely mistaken i ended up being.
so maybe, last spring was more of a torporific trance. of course i'd like to reject that notion altogether, but on some levels i really think i wasn't completely cognizant of what i was doing. i remember being that person, but somehow i dont remember what it felt like to be that person.
it seems so counter intuitive that i'd ever want to go back there, and feel those things again... or rather, not feel them. but i do, i want it all back. not because i want to be a martyr or change anything... i really couldn't care less about anyone but myself. there is no sacrifice for the greater good. i mean, what good is there anyway?
i feel this way because i'm selfish and i just want it all to end. the agony of tedium is almost too much to bear. not to mention how tired i am of this fight, the complete contradiction of all that i stand for, and the hypocrisy that seems to reside at the core of my being.
it was like in chapel last week when we were watching that movie where the guy was trying to plant a tree in the sidewalk... i closed my eyes but as far as i was concerned i was still completely attentive. i was listening to what he was saying and in my mind i even made my own comments regarding the subject matter.
but it wasn't until the movie was over and i opened my eyes that i realized i'd been half asleep the entire time. i didn't remember anything about the film, about what the guy had said, or what i'd thought about it. so i just sat there, contemplating how sure i was of my own awareness, and how completely mistaken i ended up being.
so maybe, last spring was more of a torporific trance. of course i'd like to reject that notion altogether, but on some levels i really think i wasn't completely cognizant of what i was doing. i remember being that person, but somehow i dont remember what it felt like to be that person.
it seems so counter intuitive that i'd ever want to go back there, and feel those things again... or rather, not feel them. but i do, i want it all back. not because i want to be a martyr or change anything... i really couldn't care less about anyone but myself. there is no sacrifice for the greater good. i mean, what good is there anyway?
i feel this way because i'm selfish and i just want it all to end. the agony of tedium is almost too much to bear. not to mention how tired i am of this fight, the complete contradiction of all that i stand for, and the hypocrisy that seems to reside at the core of my being.