Sick and Frustrated.
I got hate mail on Sunday night from someone within the house. It makes me angry and it hurt more than anything to see that people can be that rude and completely disrespectful to an officer-that they elected in. I still haven't decided what to do with it. My advisors think I should read it to the chapter. I think it would make them all very uncomfortable and hopefully make the person who wrote the stupid thing embarassed as all heck.
And now, i have a 103 fever and am struggling working on my fricken article for the writing center. I don't like my topic as its too broad. But i don't want to narrow it because it sucks. I have been reading articles after articles, but nothing is inspiring me. I have a meeting with Dave, my prof, at 9 in the morning to talk it over and nothing is coming to mind. I am sure that after my pitiful excuse for a resource project he hates me, and now I will have absolutely nothing to show him while other people in my class already have the thing written. I have never struggled this much with a class before in my life. I guess I just don't have what it takes and more than anything, I am frustrated with myself for not being able to come up with something sophisticated and worth writing about. I thought about focusing on plagerism, but two girls in my class are already writing on it, including Megan who is a good friend of mine. I thought about writing about how the writing center needs to reach out to the creative writers at MSU-because no one goes there for their work, or so I have heard, but I am stuck there. Is that a good topic? Probably not. But it's all I have right now. Maybe I'll write some crap on that and couple it with the crap i wrote on my other topic (Taking Away Professional skills from the Writing Center as a Client) and sit down with Dave and say, "help me now!"
To be honest, I have never struggled as much as I am this semester in all my past semesters at MSU. Perhaps its because my classes are freaking hard. Literary Theory goes right over my head, even though I have been in to see the prof 3 times in the last week and a half. And I got my re-write for that class back today and it only went up to a 3.0. Not acceptable. I think I will be lucky to get a 3.0 in all my classes. It's that bad. I am busting my butt so much more than I ever have in the past, but it is just not paying off for me. I am not seeing the results I want-not seeing the fruits of my labor.
My parents are going to freaking disappointed when i get my grades back. I just know it. And I am disappointed in myself. I keep telling Matt how I am struggling and all he says is, "stop procrastinating!" The thing is, i'm not. I am on task of all my reading, but it is an insane amount. Plus the papers and the freaking journals i have to write for EVERY class period for ENG 308. They all have to be 2+ pages (meaning 2 1/2 or you get marked down) in 10 font. That's a lot of work. And i keep getting 8/10 on all of them EXCEPT for the one she read out loud to the class, which she said was the best piece of writing done in the class this semester and DOES NOT COUNT FOR A GRADE! Piss me off woman...
Yes, i am aware this is the whiniest entry in LJ history, but I don't care. I am angry and sick and frustrated with the way my life is going. I cannot wait until its summer and I can do whatever the heck I want. I can read, I can work, I can sit on my butt and relax. I won't have this weight on my shoulders holding me down any longer-this angry cloud over my head and causing the place behind my eyes to ache and my neck to seize up.
I should write more.
Maybe that is why i am so angry. I worked a small amount on my novel over Spring Break and then last weekend I wrote another chapter. Maybe I need to just finish it so I feel successful at something. When I was writing last semester and ecspecially during Nanowrimo, my grades rocked, even though they shouldn't have. In the last three days of November, I wrote over 20,000 words for nano, a 13 page English paper that got a 3.9, a 12 page HST paper that got a 3.7 and a 12 page Shakespeare paper that got a 3.6. I THRIVED under that stress. This stress that I am feeling now is not the same.
I need to write more. Maybe this weekend i'll try again-set aside a chunk of time to just write. Then maybe this feeling of anger and frustration can find a place to run too. Then it won't be haunting me like a ghost any longer.
I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in all my life. I am in a weird place, struggling to finish things, struggling with my identity, struggling at everything I am putting my energies into. I need to find a way out, a way to release all this so I am not so unhappy-so angry and bitter. So I don't burst into tears like I did last night when I was on the phone with Matt. I don't cry anymore and to see that weakness spilling out of me made me sick...
I am done now...I promise. No more whining. Now to figure out this freaking WC article... *sigh* tomorrow with be better, it must be better.
I have been running from shadows of night,
In long winded bursts, attempting to hide,
From all they bring with them in darkened sight
But my faith dies and they come to my side.
I fear them in their black, cold, smelling scent
Reaching for me with their dark, slender face
To make me fall into a black descent
Becoming them, to succumb without grace.
As I pass into age, they follow me
Gliding behind, touches outstretched in dark
Making me glance back, to constantly see,
Shadows watching me fail, and miss my mark.
There is no turning back, to see the past,
Running to escape shadows that are cast.
And thus ends the longest LJ entry I have ever written. It was more for me than for you...
And now, i have a 103 fever and am struggling working on my fricken article for the writing center. I don't like my topic as its too broad. But i don't want to narrow it because it sucks. I have been reading articles after articles, but nothing is inspiring me. I have a meeting with Dave, my prof, at 9 in the morning to talk it over and nothing is coming to mind. I am sure that after my pitiful excuse for a resource project he hates me, and now I will have absolutely nothing to show him while other people in my class already have the thing written. I have never struggled this much with a class before in my life. I guess I just don't have what it takes and more than anything, I am frustrated with myself for not being able to come up with something sophisticated and worth writing about. I thought about focusing on plagerism, but two girls in my class are already writing on it, including Megan who is a good friend of mine. I thought about writing about how the writing center needs to reach out to the creative writers at MSU-because no one goes there for their work, or so I have heard, but I am stuck there. Is that a good topic? Probably not. But it's all I have right now. Maybe I'll write some crap on that and couple it with the crap i wrote on my other topic (Taking Away Professional skills from the Writing Center as a Client) and sit down with Dave and say, "help me now!"
To be honest, I have never struggled as much as I am this semester in all my past semesters at MSU. Perhaps its because my classes are freaking hard. Literary Theory goes right over my head, even though I have been in to see the prof 3 times in the last week and a half. And I got my re-write for that class back today and it only went up to a 3.0. Not acceptable. I think I will be lucky to get a 3.0 in all my classes. It's that bad. I am busting my butt so much more than I ever have in the past, but it is just not paying off for me. I am not seeing the results I want-not seeing the fruits of my labor.
My parents are going to freaking disappointed when i get my grades back. I just know it. And I am disappointed in myself. I keep telling Matt how I am struggling and all he says is, "stop procrastinating!" The thing is, i'm not. I am on task of all my reading, but it is an insane amount. Plus the papers and the freaking journals i have to write for EVERY class period for ENG 308. They all have to be 2+ pages (meaning 2 1/2 or you get marked down) in 10 font. That's a lot of work. And i keep getting 8/10 on all of them EXCEPT for the one she read out loud to the class, which she said was the best piece of writing done in the class this semester and DOES NOT COUNT FOR A GRADE! Piss me off woman...
Yes, i am aware this is the whiniest entry in LJ history, but I don't care. I am angry and sick and frustrated with the way my life is going. I cannot wait until its summer and I can do whatever the heck I want. I can read, I can work, I can sit on my butt and relax. I won't have this weight on my shoulders holding me down any longer-this angry cloud over my head and causing the place behind my eyes to ache and my neck to seize up.
I should write more.
Maybe that is why i am so angry. I worked a small amount on my novel over Spring Break and then last weekend I wrote another chapter. Maybe I need to just finish it so I feel successful at something. When I was writing last semester and ecspecially during Nanowrimo, my grades rocked, even though they shouldn't have. In the last three days of November, I wrote over 20,000 words for nano, a 13 page English paper that got a 3.9, a 12 page HST paper that got a 3.7 and a 12 page Shakespeare paper that got a 3.6. I THRIVED under that stress. This stress that I am feeling now is not the same.
I need to write more. Maybe this weekend i'll try again-set aside a chunk of time to just write. Then maybe this feeling of anger and frustration can find a place to run too. Then it won't be haunting me like a ghost any longer.
I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in all my life. I am in a weird place, struggling to finish things, struggling with my identity, struggling at everything I am putting my energies into. I need to find a way out, a way to release all this so I am not so unhappy-so angry and bitter. So I don't burst into tears like I did last night when I was on the phone with Matt. I don't cry anymore and to see that weakness spilling out of me made me sick...
I am done now...I promise. No more whining. Now to figure out this freaking WC article... *sigh* tomorrow with be better, it must be better.
I have been running from shadows of night,
In long winded bursts, attempting to hide,
From all they bring with them in darkened sight
But my faith dies and they come to my side.
I fear them in their black, cold, smelling scent
Reaching for me with their dark, slender face
To make me fall into a black descent
Becoming them, to succumb without grace.
As I pass into age, they follow me
Gliding behind, touches outstretched in dark
Making me glance back, to constantly see,
Shadows watching me fail, and miss my mark.
There is no turning back, to see the past,
Running to escape shadows that are cast.
And thus ends the longest LJ entry I have ever written. It was more for me than for you...