(no subject)
I want so much. I want to change my life so much. I feel like I'm in eternal waiting. I think I'm thinking too much and not doing enough. But I also feel like the moves I want to make require alot of thinking through before you start whipping around like a maniac with no specific destination. March IS a month of transition. I'm sick of being at home, being lazy, but it's really not nice enough yet to get out and about. Still I wait wait wait. And that guy ( that guy) still has my book. and i really want it back. I'm sick of asking. If someone borrows something or you lend something to someone they should have enough sense to give it back in a timely manner. so here's what I want.
To look like myself. and be comfortable in my own skin. unfortunately for me this requires a lot of physical effort. I'm doing it. Begrudgingly.
To have the job of my dreams.
To enjoy the success I deserve. I'm not getting a big head, I just know i work too hard to still be this hard off financially. Yeah, It's a recession but I know for a fact my life simply doesn't have to be like this. And all this talk about alone time, I did hear that this year the climate of the American culture is going to make a shift to something deeper, something a little more spiritual. This is very exciting to me. I've already started making this shift and it's really showing me how weak I am and really how much I have shit together. Which is less than expected. So I sit here. Not just here, in my living room too. In front of paper or in front of a computer or in front of books trying to really examine things and figure out if I like them or not. Seems simple, is simple, i make it difficult. I would also like to be in love. Love seems like some far away ancient, forbidden thing. Only for the whole of heart and the desirable. I dont think I'm not desirable, but I dont think there are many people on earth that have the ability to fall in love with me. I'm probably wrong, but if there are any they must live far away. Or they can't find me. It's mighty full of myself to assume I'm so deep and strange that no one could love me. That's not what I mean. I mean I'm so scattered. I whouldnt know where to begin if I was trying to love me. Here i am. what a wonderful place. It's like a very beautiful but overgrown forest and all if I could just clear all this shit out and cut down some openings, make a clearing, maybe then I could start inviting people over. My apartment, no matter how clean and neat I keep it i still feel uneasy about it. It's mine, it's comfortable, but I'm not happy. I'm not happy with anything lately. and I've been trying so hard to make everyone laugh, and I'm wound up so tight that if you ask me the wrong question i will honestly flip. I did it this weekend. Over this very subject. "so what are you going to do? What's wrong with your life? Why aren't you doing more for yourself?" I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwww what I'm going to do.
Ok I know exactly what i'm going to do. but until I can materialize those ideas and at least get them sorted out ( which i also know how to do. and I could be doing right now but instead im here.) It's 11 AM and i'de like some coffee and a new book and a walk in the park. I fear it's cold and windy out. I wish I lived closer downtown so I wouldnt' have to get in the car. I'm so sick of the car. I wish at least my street would have a sidewalk. I feel so detached. I dont even feel like I live in this city half the time. It's very strange. I dont really talk to any of my neighbors. I dont trust any of them and I think they're all out to get me. I always think everyone's out to get me but for some reason in a more urban environment i just simply dont give a shit. and I'de walk to get coffee and a book in my pajamas with no makeup. And I'd have probably left 2 hours ago and made it to the park for a walk. And life would be grand.
And I've been really thinking about moving. I could stay here and try to figure out how to make this mess better or I could just up and leave and detach from all this and start over somewhere else. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it all so fucking complicated? I'd have to travel and see what places I like, which I dont have the time or money for. I'd have to find a new job, quit my jobs here, find a new place to live, move out of the place i already live in, sell some of my shit. I guess I'll get around to it. Where is my motivation? well, all the motivation's right there. I would love to live on a fucking city block, in civilization where I don't have to drive to get a stupid cup of coffee and I dont have to worry about a million lurking eyes watching my every move when I do leave my house. I want a great job. I want an awesome job, with lots of traffic, at an awesome salon, with lots of education and support and people who WANT ME TO SUCCEED. is that such a strange concept? your boss wanting to see you succeed? I can't write this anymore. this is all that's been going through my head for weeks.
To look like myself. and be comfortable in my own skin. unfortunately for me this requires a lot of physical effort. I'm doing it. Begrudgingly.
To have the job of my dreams.
To enjoy the success I deserve. I'm not getting a big head, I just know i work too hard to still be this hard off financially. Yeah, It's a recession but I know for a fact my life simply doesn't have to be like this. And all this talk about alone time, I did hear that this year the climate of the American culture is going to make a shift to something deeper, something a little more spiritual. This is very exciting to me. I've already started making this shift and it's really showing me how weak I am and really how much I have shit together. Which is less than expected. So I sit here. Not just here, in my living room too. In front of paper or in front of a computer or in front of books trying to really examine things and figure out if I like them or not. Seems simple, is simple, i make it difficult. I would also like to be in love. Love seems like some far away ancient, forbidden thing. Only for the whole of heart and the desirable. I dont think I'm not desirable, but I dont think there are many people on earth that have the ability to fall in love with me. I'm probably wrong, but if there are any they must live far away. Or they can't find me. It's mighty full of myself to assume I'm so deep and strange that no one could love me. That's not what I mean. I mean I'm so scattered. I whouldnt know where to begin if I was trying to love me. Here i am. what a wonderful place. It's like a very beautiful but overgrown forest and all if I could just clear all this shit out and cut down some openings, make a clearing, maybe then I could start inviting people over. My apartment, no matter how clean and neat I keep it i still feel uneasy about it. It's mine, it's comfortable, but I'm not happy. I'm not happy with anything lately. and I've been trying so hard to make everyone laugh, and I'm wound up so tight that if you ask me the wrong question i will honestly flip. I did it this weekend. Over this very subject. "so what are you going to do? What's wrong with your life? Why aren't you doing more for yourself?" I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwww what I'm going to do.
Ok I know exactly what i'm going to do. but until I can materialize those ideas and at least get them sorted out ( which i also know how to do. and I could be doing right now but instead im here.) It's 11 AM and i'de like some coffee and a new book and a walk in the park. I fear it's cold and windy out. I wish I lived closer downtown so I wouldnt' have to get in the car. I'm so sick of the car. I wish at least my street would have a sidewalk. I feel so detached. I dont even feel like I live in this city half the time. It's very strange. I dont really talk to any of my neighbors. I dont trust any of them and I think they're all out to get me. I always think everyone's out to get me but for some reason in a more urban environment i just simply dont give a shit. and I'de walk to get coffee and a book in my pajamas with no makeup. And I'd have probably left 2 hours ago and made it to the park for a walk. And life would be grand.
And I've been really thinking about moving. I could stay here and try to figure out how to make this mess better or I could just up and leave and detach from all this and start over somewhere else. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it all so fucking complicated? I'd have to travel and see what places I like, which I dont have the time or money for. I'd have to find a new job, quit my jobs here, find a new place to live, move out of the place i already live in, sell some of my shit. I guess I'll get around to it. Where is my motivation? well, all the motivation's right there. I would love to live on a fucking city block, in civilization where I don't have to drive to get a stupid cup of coffee and I dont have to worry about a million lurking eyes watching my every move when I do leave my house. I want a great job. I want an awesome job, with lots of traffic, at an awesome salon, with lots of education and support and people who WANT ME TO SUCCEED. is that such a strange concept? your boss wanting to see you succeed? I can't write this anymore. this is all that's been going through my head for weeks.